So this is how things are going at this point

[Bird]

For anyone who's interested of course.

I haven't posted in a few months I think. I've been busy with university exams and dealing with gender issues. At the moment I'm writting from a different city than my home and my University, because I'm working at a different hospital for academic experience and curriculum.

The first few days were very tough. I'm not done dealing with depression and panic disorder (I developed those secondary to GID) and I thought I would break.

Usually I feel really bad about my body in public, and this city has many beaches. So, not wanting to miss out on the sun, I went anyway. I felt progressively bad and deformed until I had a panic attack at the shower. One way or another, I decided I had to face things head on if I was going to be able to do my work at the Hospital AND enjoy the beauty of the city. So I went to the beaches a few more times, and at this point I can go out fine. It helps because the town is fairly multicultural, so I can wear make up when out and feel more feminine.

The first days were horrible though. Having panic disorder, GID, and depression and being alone in a different town was challenging. I felt a bottomless pit would consume me whole sooner or later. All I could do was go ahead crawling, so I did I guess.

It is good to be able to go out with make up. It is a important and courageous step. Though I am wearing day to day make up, I use anything I want when I go out. Of course, this has been limited to gay nightclubs. There inst a gay club in my university town, so that won't happen when there, but such is life.

What is important is that I managed to overcome the fear of "what others will think" and just be myself and live my life, this has helped things immensily. One morning I came back from a nightclub with full blow night make up, with black eyeshadow, lipstick and all and went to ahve breakfast in the common area of the hotel. I managed to look at people with confidence and no one bothered me.

This helps with my depression and panic, because I finally can be myself.

I am going to my third laser session next month, what is very important as well. I also continue my guest to start HRT. The endos of my area are tentative about starting it and  may have to go to a bigger town for it. Stil. they agree to help me with the follow up, I jsut need a reference center. I haven't went out dressed in female clothes yet but I can'ty wait until I am able to.

Being a amedicine student helps me have access to doctors, but it lso means they are ea careful around me.

SO things are going well I think!

[Jennie]

Hi Maiara, I am glad things are still going well, everything you said sounds a lot like the way I feel even to the point of your thoughts going faster than your body, i noticed some typo's and I do the same thing, the same typo's like if I want to type the word have, I will spell it in my mind and my mind is so fast that it comes out ahve, other words are the same, this comes out in my speech too, i can spoonerize things very easy.

you said- "What is important is that I managed to overcome the fear of "what others will think" and just be myself and live my life, this has helped things immensily."

I have not been able to do that yet, I still have a hard time, what will they think of me, yes that is what I say a lot.   Do you think that the panic attacks are a direct result of your GID?
I have the same thing that's why and if all I got to do is come out and be myself to cure them then I might do that right now, I hate feeling uptight all the time and tence, I grind my teeth and clench my jaw a lot too.
Does your depression and panic attacks go away all together when your able to be yourself more fully?

I think it is great that your feeling well and that you were able to over come the pannic attack and meet it head on, hang in there, your post has given me some new things to think about now, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie

[Bird]

Hi Jennie, thank you for replying.

My panic disorder and depression are very related to my gender issues, yes.

The first panic attack I had was around last october when a hairdresser cut my hair really short. I had just began growing it up and it was also when GID hit me hard. Since then I saw a therapist to keep myself under control, because those two disorders were really out of control.

Anyway, when I am me, yes, they do go away and I feel incredibly better. It could be different for you, but for me, I have panic because I feel trapped inside a male body and can't find a way out.