So I might have made a major blunder

[Squirrel698]

Hey,

Last night I was at a party of sorts.  A girl I know and who I am very attracted too was there.  I'm not sure how she feels about me.  She compliments me all the time and loved the leather pants I was wearing.  She is the sort who compliments everyone so I don't think I'm special.  She was wearing a cute fur hat that was fuzzy.  Flirtatiously I asked if I could pet her, meaning the hat.  She said sure and turned around so I could pet the hat.  I nicely patted the hat ... and that's all.   

Then she said "all right" and sounding grumpy before marching away.  She was cold to me for the rest of the night.  I should mention that the outfit she was wearing left her back mostly bare.  If I had touched more than her hat I would just be touching bare skin and I'm not sure if that's allowed or not ...

I'm not sure if I should have done more than just touch the hat.  We were in the middle of a crowd for heaven sakes.  I just feel that now that people see me as male that there is this expectation that I will take charge of situations such as that.  I just don't want to seem pushy so it's hard to know how to work with it.  When is it best to be assertive and when is it to aggressive? 

Thoughts? 

[rexgsd]

did she think you said 'pat' maybe? as in a pat on the bum or something? then also maybe she didn't feel you touch the hat so thought you were hesitant or something? I don't know really, that's all i could think of. I wouldn't think women would want to be touched even if asked, but then again everyone's different.

[Michael Joseph]

Ya I agree with Rex on the fact that women dont usually just wanna be touched. Thats weird, I really dont think you were in the wrong, and most guys wouldnt just pet a girl. I dont know what she was expecting, but there was obviously some little misunderstanding there, but I wouldnt worry about it.

[SnailPace]

I don't know, that seems like it was a difficult situation to read.  She's the one who misunderstood though, not you.  You wanted to pet the hat, and you did.  I would think if she was expecting more she should have said something...

I suppose the only lesson here would be to be specific? Like, "Oooh, can I touch your hat? So fuzzy!" Instead of, "Can I pet you?" (Because that does sound a little sexual)

I wouldn't call it a "major blunder" though, so don't worry about it! 

[Adio]

Not a "major blunder" necessarily.  But I'm curious about this part:  "If I had touched more than her hat I would just be touching bare skin and I'm not sure if that's allowed or not ..."

Allowed as in within the rules/boundaries of the party?  Or just in general?  Because if she were..well, I guess it depends on the party.

I haven't seen a man ask to "pet" a woman without it being sexual.  She was probably disappointed you just wanted to touch her hat. 

[Wraith]

I think a lot of girls have come to not expect guys to show any interest in what they are wearing, other than how much those clothes reveal or enhance them, so she may have felt a bit belittled, actually. Another possibility is that she felt stupid for misunderstanding but directs that anger towards you instead, "surely you could have been more clear". I think that if she was expecting something more exciting and then you did something casual she'd inevitably wonder if you were just fooling around with her.

[Squirrel698]

Thanks you guys.  Hmm, I hope you are not right Wraith but I think you might be.  If only I had a bit more confidence.  The hat was meant to be noticed.  It was a huge thing, almost a hood really or part of a costume.  The thing is I did mean for the remark to be sexual in a roundabout way.  As in merely joking but with some serious intent behind it. 

Then when she gave in so easily I just didn't know where to go from there.  I should have touched her neck or something.  A little bit of a massage could have been possible.  I'm kicking myself now. 

I just get frozen around girls I'm attracted too.  I don't know how to act and it's starting to bug me a bit.  Guys are so much easier to get in with at least in my experience.  You just start talking and it usually goes well.  However with girls who might be dating material or who view you that way it's more complicated.  It seems to be that some girls expect a guy to take a lead in moving the relationship forward.  I'm just afraid I'm going to get rebuffed or make someone nervous.  I suppose sometimes you have to take the chance.

I know it's just about figuring it all out.  I also know I'm not the first guy to ever ask these questions.

[Cindy]

A few observations,
You are obviously a guy. If you had any doubts forget them. You also need Dummies for Guys. You managed to chat her up, got her to be responsive and played with her HAT??? Oh my Goddess I would have cut your balls off. That is so rude, so stupid and so dumb. She was going with you, she wanted a move, a kiss and cuddle and dance and stuff.  And you wanted to play with her hat . And she was attracted to you in the past, I think forget about the future.

Sorry I don't wish to be rude but I vote this the dumbest act of the week.

If you can dig yourself out of this I will call you Lazarus 

Sorry a lot is in jest but get real.


Cindy



 

[VeryGnawty]

You are obviously a guy. If you had any doubts forget them. You also need Dummies for Guys. You managed to chat her up, got her to be responsive and played with her HAT???

I have to agree with this assessment.  From the way Squirrel describes the event, it sounded like she wanted to have a little fun.  Having someone touch your hat is not fun.

At the very LEAST she wanted Squirrel to touch her, somewhere.

[tekla]

I'm just afraid I'm going to get rebuffed...

But of course you will, but like acid and the lottery - you can't win if you don't play.

[Squirrel698]

lol, no it's all right Cindy.  No need to apologize.  You are exactly right.  I fail at girls 101.

At this point there is nothing I can do but chalk it up to another experience to learn from.  It's time to just take it forward and next time not be so stupid.  She is fantastic and hopefully I can rebuild it by doing something to show interest.  She's been wanting me to do something for a while now.  I could see that but I just don't know what without seeming to forward or rude.  I need some clues here!

I've had several other opportunities with girls at that same party! and didn't take even one of them.  It was just a get together at a club nothing funny going on.  So we are standing there, talking and laughing.  It's obvious that she likes me at least a little bit.  I could get closer and touch her hair, shoulder, just a light caressing touch in a neutral area is fine.  Then if they like it I can go further.  Right?

 

[Andy]

Feelin' for you, man. Figuring out how to flirt with girls can be so tricky. You can be "rewarded" or get your face slapped, all for doing the exact same action.

An old date of mine explained it really well to me, and I never forgot these words. They are words to live by.

She said, if you meet a girl you like, find out what she wants, and then give it to her.

"Find out what she wants, and then give it to her."

[tekla]

She is giving you the clues, you just have to learn how to read them.  And most guys - and you seem to be falling into that here - want to go from flirting to a post-coital smoke like it was some sort of drag race.  It's much more of a cross-county marathon.

And, once they get like past 19, a whole bunch of what they want is answered in 3 questions.  Are you married?  Are you gay (or anything else like that)?  Are you employed (and part-time at WallMart does not count as employed)?  Or in the short form, are you available, do you stray, can you support me in the lifestyle to which I expect to become accustomed?

[Lee]

Thanks Tekla, I never knew I am the perfect man. 

[xAndrewx]

So we are standing there, talking and laughing.  It's obvious that she likes me at least a little bit.  I could get closer and touch her hair, shoulder, just a light caressing touch in a neutral area is fine.  Then if they like it I can go further.  Right?

I'm younger than you so if ya don't want to listen to this it's cool but my advice would be go for it next time. Sure don't do anything entirely out there but really anything too far out there you should do in public anyways. Personally I would have "pet" her shoulder and then do something else depending on how she reacted.

You're right to just look at it like a learning experience and move on. Really worse that happens is the girl isn't really interested and you both move on. ...or you get slapped like Andy said but in a club scene I doubt that would happen unless you did something highly inappropriate or if the girl was being a royal... yeah. 

[Squirrel698]

Andrew - Age doesn't matter to me when it comes to advice.  So thank you and hopefully I will get another chance to show her that I'm interested. 

Tekla - Thanks. 

Andy - That is good advice.  What she seems to want is flattery and respect I believe.  Those are easy enough to give

[Sean]

Andrew - Age doesn't matter to me when it comes to advice.  So thank you and hopefully I will get another chance to show her that I'm interested. 

Tekla - Thanks. 

Andy - That is good advice.  What she seems to want is flattery and respect I believe.   Those are easy enough to give

I am not remotely an expert on flirting with women. But I think what she WANTS is flattery and sexual attention that makes her feel wanted....along with respect.

Sounds like you made her mad by being "too respectful" here instead of making her feel desired/wanted.

[GnomeKid]

ah, this is where I fail in life apparently.  I think your actions are perfectly logical, and I would have done the exact same thing.

[chrishoney]

You guys....listen to Cindy! Women want cocky and funny from the man when they flirt. Squirrel, you started out with funny, you needed to touch more than her hat to be cocky. And you sure as heck ARE supposed to take control, that's the expectation. She was definitely giving you the green light to be more forward, at least within the limits of a public setting. Especially on bare skin, there's a lot you can touch without actually taking things too far and metaphorically putting your hand up her skirt. You could have had her melting in your hands (literally) just by sensually and lightly scratching her with your nails. Totally OK in public, it's the back of her shoulders for crying out loud. If she starts to take offense, just turn it into a friendly shoulder massage. And if you get rebuffed, so what? And even if you did get slapped, so what? As far as every other guy in ear shot would be concerned, you da' man! Truly!

She is fantastic and hopefully I can rebuild it by doing something to show interest.  She's been wanting me to do something for a while now.  I could see that but I just don't know what without seeming to forward or rude.  I need some clues here!

Dude, you have your own clue there, but you NEED to be forward, assertive. SHE WANTS YOU TO DO SOMETHING. You like her; she has already given you signs that she likes you. BE forward with her. Be a little cocky, be funny, no need to be rude. Judging by your photos in your suit (you rock that suit bud!) and how you described her actions, she's got the hots for you. Go for it dude. What's the down side here? Not much that I can see. If she says (and I would be totally bowled over if she does) that she's not interested, you have still payed her a huge compliment by coming on to her, being interested, showing her that she is desirable. Think Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun...You've got that lovin' feeling...........cocky and funny.

[kyril]

And...this is why I'm glad I'm not interested in women. If I'm flirting with a guy and being too shy and he wants to be touched more, I can rest assured that he'll put my hand right where he wants it. Or demonstrate on me.