Is she really my friend?

[JessicaR]

  After coming out, I latched onto a g-girl friend who seemed to be the only one who accepted me... Even though I had to explain myself over and over again it seemed like she was the only one I knew before transition that would give me a chance.

   Recently, I've been wondering about the nature of my friendship with her. She makes fun of me, sometimes... I've tried to share my transition experiences with her; When I'm proud of something she's the first one I tell. When something upsets me, she's the first one I reach out to. She says that she perceives me as another woman but she frequently makes comments that hurt me... I try to play it off that it doesn't bother me and try to play along but when I do say that something hurts, she tells me that I'm too sensitive.

  Tonight, she texted me and told me that she was moving to the next town over. I was happy for her because she's been wanting to move for awhile.... I texted her back and offered to help her move if she needed it. Her response was, "So can you lift anything or do I have to give you the wussy jobs? LOL T wussy power."  I really didn't know how to take that... It's like we can't talk about anything without her sarcastically reminding me that I'm Trans. I just wanted to offer my help... I didn't expect for her to put me down.  If I'm down or, especially if I'm emotional, she gets angry and says that I need to stop being sensitive... All of the other women I know get concerned and sympathetic when they see that another woman is upset.  Maybe she'll just never see me as such.

   I wonder if she's embarrassed about being my friend.... It seems like every time I want to get together with her she eventually cancels. It's like she has her "normal" life and has to take a break from it to spend time with me. We text ALL the time but if I actually call her she always has "another call" and cuts me short. I don't understand and it hurts that she keeps her distance even though she calls me a friend. I get so lonely.

  Any thoughts?  Sorry if this post is a bit foggy..... I'm typing through tears 

[kate durcal]

oh! SO SORRY for you pain. I know iy is hard to be alone Big Hug

For what you describe her, she does not seem like a true friend; perhaps is a blessing she is going away.
luv,

Kate

[Melody Maia]

I don't know hon. She does sound the rather reluctant friend. I would stop contacting her when she moves and see what happens. If she seems upset by this then maybe you give her another chance, but explain to her why you stopped for awhile. Give yourself the power in the relationship as it sounds like right now she sets the terms. Don't take that your too sensitive bullsh*t. That's what rude people say to excuse themselves. Or at worst it is a slur on the order of "your hormonal because you're on your period" that guys sometimes tell girls. I don't know a girl alive who doesn't get pissed at that.

[Cindy]

Hi Jessicca,

Personally I think that was a nasty response and not one that would be made to a friend.  It was a put down, at least in the way I read it, rather than a jokey thing.  I'm sorry if this is upsetting and I hope it isn't true, but maybe you have been her TG girl pet. When Gay's started to come out it was horribly popular to go to a dinner party and find some fool had invited a token Gay man. Then of course they (usually a she) would make sure everyone knew he was Gay and what a liberal person she was. No feelings at all for the person she was insulting.

I would suggest not contacting her and she how she responds.  She will probably disappear into the next town never to be heard from again. Tough I know on you but we need friends who support each other not ones that take fun in hurting you. Even by mistake. But from the sounds of it she has hurt you a number of times so a mistake is very unlikely.

You have friends here, I know it isn't the same as a friend to hang out with but she doesn't sound like one of them either.


Cindy

[JenJen2011]

Sometimes people say or do things without knowing they are harming the person.
That is why you have to tell her how you feel about certain things she says.
So, sit down and talk to her. I'm sure she will understand.
If not, kick her to the curve. I would only talk to her if you really consider her to be a REAL friend.
Her not wanting to hang out with you or talk to you much on the phone tells me she isn't.
And don't get down over it. You're better off alone than to be dealing with BS.

[spacial]

I was thinking almost exactly the same as Melody Maia.

I get the impression that she wants to be supportive but is uncomfortable. I suggest she know the effect of what she says, but lacks the self control to say what she wants to.

As Melody suggests, let her go until she contacts you. If she doesn't, then let it go. You got some support for a while. Move on. Your gain.

If she does and seems submissive (need a better word here), then take some control.

If she contacts you with some load, possibly listing your faults, then just accept that she bottled up these because she lacked the maturity to be honest.

[tekla]

Her response was, "So can you lift anything or do I have to give you the wussy jobs? LOL T wussy power."  I really didn't know how to take that

I would think that is pretty much like all the women I know when they are moving saying "This crap is really heavy, we should get some guys" and begin to calculate how much beer and pizza it's going to cost them to do that.  And I'd take it like she does not see you as one of those heavy-lifting guys anymore.  Which I would think is a good thing.

The other thing is - and you might want to think about it - it's great to have friends, it sucks when they put you as #1 on the speed dial.  I'm pretty open as to who can be my friend, but I really try to avoid situations where I'm going to be you're only friend.   You say: Even though I had to explain myself over and over again - and really, how tedious is that for her?  Perhaps she's just trying to break up the constant conversation about you, you, you, and you. 

All of the other women I know get concerned and sympathetic when they see that another woman is upset.
Well.... since you said she is the only one who accepts you, perhaps you really don't know what all other women really act like with each other.  And, BTW, I see no such thing in real life.  People are concerned and sympathetic when they see other people hurting for the most part, but when it becomes a constant it's a lot harder to pull all of that up day in and day out.

It seems like every time I want to get together with her she eventually cancels.
Are you really planning events, going out and doing things, or is every get-together just another 'hey, let's focus on me' deal?  If she is canceling out on activities (not going to the show you both bought tickets for) I'd worry, but if she is bowing out of never-ending one-on-one focus group I don't blame her.

I think that frequently people such as us find someone who is 'accepting' and then proceed to dump the entire load on them, over and over all the while over-analyzing each and every statement they make.

Friendship is a two-way street.

[regan]

I've described my family in the past as a pack of third graders.  Sometimes when people like you, rather then say it, they show it by being sarcastic - I see it as they accept you enough to kid you about your faults, though without crossing any lines.  She may be doing this, and if she's hurting you in her remarks she may not even realize it.  Let her know what your boundaries are, if she respects them she's friend, if not, she isn't.

I would also look for others to add to your support network.  Like others have said, she may be reacting to being your only outlet at the moment.

[Melody Maia]

I was thinking almost exactly the same as Melody Maia.

I get the impression that she wants to be supportive but is uncomfortable. I suggest she know the effect of what she says, but lacks the self control to say what she wants to.

As Melody suggests, let her go until she contacts you. If she doesn't, then let it go. You got some support for a while. Move on. Your gain.

If she does and seems submissive (need a better word here), then take some control.

If she contacts you with some load, possibly listing your faults, then just accept that she bottled up these because she lacked the maturity to be honest.

Repentant perhaps?

[Debra]

It may be too late now but you might have mentioned that those things she has said were very hurtful and rude.

She may have not taken it well though from what you've shared about her. =/

[spacial]

You could be right Melody.

To Jerica's suggestion. I've been in relationships where someone was repeatedly abusive. When I did, eventually, challange them they came out with a list of demeaning, deliberately hurtful and very personal comments about me.

I got and get the impression that such people behave this way becuase they think they can. If you challange them to justify it, they will simply attempt to throw the blame back onto you, as was done in my case. But the reality is, the fault is with them.

This is just my perspective.

[Debra]

To Jerica's suggestion. I've been in relationships where someone was repeatedly abusive. When I did, eventually, challange them they came out with a list of demeaning, deliberately hurtful and very personal comments about me.

I got and get the impression that such people behave this way becuase they think they can. If you challange them to justify it, they will simply attempt to throw the blame back onto you, as was done in my case. But the reality is, the fault is with them.

Yeah sadly true

[JessicaR]

Her response was, "So can you lift anything or do I have to give you the wussy jobs? LOL T wussy power."  I really didn't know how to take that

I would think that is pretty much like all the women I know when they are moving saying "This crap is really heavy, we should get some guys" and begin to calculate how much beer and pizza it's going to cost them to do that.  And I'd take it like she does not see you as one of those heavy-lifting guys anymore.  Which I would think is a good thing.

The other thing is - and you might want to think about it - it's great to have friends, it sucks when they put you as #1 on the speed dial.  I'm pretty open as to who can be my friend, but I really try to avoid situations where I'm going to be you're only friend.   You say: Even though I had to explain myself over and over again - and really, how tedious is that for her?  Perhaps she's just trying to break up the constant conversation about you, you, you, and you. 

All of the other women I know get concerned and sympathetic when they see that another woman is upset.
Well.... since you said she is the only one who accepts you, perhaps you really don't know what all other women really act like with each other.  And, BTW, I see no such thing in real life.  People are concerned and sympathetic when they see other people hurting for the most part, but when it becomes a constant it's a lot harder to pull all of that up day in and day out.

It seems like every time I want to get together with her she eventually cancels.
Are you really planning events, going out and doing things, or is every get-together just another 'hey, let's focus on me' deal?  If she is canceling out on activities (not going to the show you both bought tickets for) I'd worry, but if she is bowing out of never-ending one-on-one focus group I don't blame her.

I think that frequently people such as us find someone who is 'accepting' and then proceed to dump the entire load on them, over and over all the while over-analyzing each and every statement they make.

Friendship is a two-way street.

  Funny... none of this applies to my situation.... But really, Tekla, thanks so much for your universally esteemed opinion. :-)

[Stephanie]

I recommend that you start being more selective in the things that you share with her.  Start giving her the B grade gossip and see how she reacts to this.  Females have a lot of time for their close friends and they DO share everything.  My sister and her best friend know everything about each other.  In Girl world they way to signal degrees of friendship is by the sharing of personal feelings.  If someone is your best friend then it is mandatory that you tell her everything.  Holding anything back WILL be taken as a definite sign that the close friendship is under threat.   
If a woman wants to be friends with you but you don't want to be friends with her, the way to signal this is by giving her as little personal information as possible.   Remember womens' greatest wish is to be liked* so you don't react to another woman you don't like with hostility.  What you do is continue to smile at her and be pleasant to her, you just don't share any personal thoughts or feelings.   
I think that your friend is signalling to you (in the female way) that she doesn't want to be as close to you as you want to be to her.  You write that you share everything with her.  This will be seen by her(and by other women) as an attempt to be her best friend.  Her reaction is I am sorry to say ' I don't want to be your "best friend", but I am prepared to be a casual friend to you.'   It is important to bear in mind that women don't signal friendship in the way that men do i.e. by hanging out and doing things together.  They signal friendship by being emotionally supportive and the sharing of highly personal things.   A woman who doesn't want to be your friend will treat you amicably but she won't tell you a thing apart from generalities about herself and she may well resent someone sharing with you any of her personal affairs.

* mens' greatest wish is to be respected/feared.   Women seek out connection with others and seek to minimise differences, tensions.  Men are highly status conscious and they live in a world were they are convinced that everyone else is trying to subordinated them.  So they must resist this with all their might and conflict is the inevitable result.