Okay, here goes...
I first arrived on this forum a couple of days ago, and I've been introducing myself saying trala, I'm at ease with having a male body but I have a male-and-female psyche, trala.
Why? Because. I've been pulling the blinds down on myself for decades. Because.
It's like this: when I was 24 and at college, I had a sudden flash of understanding that I wanted to change my gender. For three weeks, I was incredibly happy - until I told someone about it. As soon as I heard myself saying it out loud, I backpedalled. Partly it was out of fear. Partly, though, it was a sort-of-practical question I asked myself: how exactly is being a 6'3" woman with size 12 feet and one breast going to make you happier?
Let me explain the breast thing (I didn't know much about anatomy in my 20's) - I was born with a number of muscles missing in my right upper quadrant - hand, arm, chest, shoulder, lower back. The only real impact that's had on my life is not being able to play certain musical instruments, and some feelings of low self-worth earlier on. The thing is, though, if I had breasts, I've got no idea what the right one would do - since it wouldn't have a pectoral muscle to hang off, it would probably have a terrible squint.
Anyway, since my 20's I've had 2 more strong waves of wanting to change gender, each around 10 years apart. And now I'm having it again, right now, which is why I've been watching all these trans-themed films, and why I've come to this forum. Last year I met my first transman (that I was aware of), and later last year I had a brief relationship with another transman (distance made it unworkable for me). I made friends with a woman who has lots of trans friends of both genders, and so it's really been in the air a lot. And an old/young friend of mine is going through similar issues himself, so we've begun to talk about this very tentatively too.
And now here I am wondering what to do with all this. I'm still scared, I'm still 6'3" with huge feet, I still don't know what my right boob would do if I had one, but I'm the me now who needs to take him-herself seriously. Best right now is just to sit with all this, talk to close friends, talk to people (like you lot) who've already been where I am. I really don't know yet what I want to be, but I want it to be okay to want it, whatever it turns out to be. I wrote a poem a few years ago, and this is what it was about (it's now obvious):
Mirrors, Mirrors
So there's the great ocean there
And one day, you glance out
Out beyond the land
And you know something bad is coming
Gulls start from the waters, yarring
Bubbles and things rise, float
Stillish seas no longer still
Disturbed sun shatters in sparkles
Something huge
Something terrible
Long ago foretold, long feared
Rising from the very roots
Finally you glimpse it
Dark vast shape surging
Inescapable through the depths
The ocean dances and bows to it
And it breaks through the surface
Looming, menacing
Dripping, encrusted
And it looks at you
And looking into its eyes
You see your scared reflection
And then with fine cloth, and your warm breath
You gently begin to polish it
