Smiling

[Stephanie]

Something that Elijah wrote in his blog made me think of something.   When I was at university men used to smile at me quite a lot in the streets when I was coming and going to the university.*  At first I thought it was my imagination but men did actually smile at me.   I was acting and presenting as a male when this was going on, so I was slightly disconcerted by this.  However, I also liked to think that they could see that I was a woman inside.   I discussed this with my mother recently and she was adamant that I either imagined all this smiling, or, they thought I was gay.   I actually asked her 'do you not think that perhaps they could see the real me?'   To which she replied ' No, people never think of transsexuality, you either were mistaken about the smiling or they had some reason to think that you were gay'.   This first remark about transsexuality is actually comforting as I believe it is very close to the truth.  Incidentally, I told my mother about mtf's even very passable ones getting 'read' in they street and feeling generally self-conscious about themselves.  To this my mother said 'What actually happens is that they [mtf transsexuals] weren't being "read" as they thought.  Women have any  number of reasons for looking at other women that have absolutely nothing to do with suspecting you are a transsexual'.  E.g they could be looking at you but thinking about something and not really seeing you, they could be admiring your appearance or criticising it in their mind.  So perhaps that woman who looked at you longer that was perhaps polite or gave you a so-called disapproving look hadn't 'read' you at all.    My sister has told me that she and her friends quite often get black looks, muttered comments and even shakes of the head from older women, old ladies especially.   It is not that my sister and her friends behave badly they are just being girls.  Old women disapprove of middle-aged women, AND teen girls.  Middle-aged women disapprove of younger women.  While all three are united in disapproving of teenage girls.  Even though my mother has two teenage daughters she is not above complaining about girls from time to time.   While teen girls wonder why their mothers are so dull and frumpy, and wouldn't vinegary old women be better of dead?     My mother and to a lesser extent my sister make a point of saying to me 'don't have this idealistic, rosy picture of women, women can and often are nice to each other, but they can also be very nasty to one another as well'.

Here is my question - finally!   For those who are not full-time do you ever get treated by strangers in the street in a fashion more suitable to the opposite sex than the sex you are presenting as?   Everyone knows that men do NOT smile at other men so I was being treated from time to time as a female by complete strangers, which pleased me no end.   


*  I was often stopped by people asking for spare change.   Once I was stopped three times in under 10 minutes.  I like to think it was because I have a feminine face and they know that women are more empathetic than men.   On-the-other-hand, I am quite often stopped and asked for directions which Elijah believes only happens to those perceived as men.   Julia Serano writes that often in shops she would be addressed as 'sir' by one assistant, and another assistant would say to her 'have a nice day ma'am' when she was leaving.

[MarinaM]

Here is my question - finally!   For those who are not full-time do you ever get treated by strangers in the street in a fashion more suitable to the opposite sex than the sex you are presenting as?   Everyone knows that men do NOT smile at other men so I was being treated from time to time as a female by complete strangers, which pleased me no end.   

Every day, several times a day. Women look at me crazy whether I'm presenting or not, and men tend to ignore me unless they smile.

I was just at the mini mart as Emma and the lady at the counter watched me the whole time like I was a thief- turns out, she was just curious about the coach bag I was carrying. I told her all about it, then stuffed my snacks into the bag, emphasizing the utility of huge bags. She laughed and went right back to looking at me like I was a thief afterward.

People are weird, you're awesome. That's the real answer you're looking for 

* I get stopped and asked for change like that too. I've never been asked for directions randomly unless I'm driving though, and generally, I'm useless at giving them.

[JessicaR]

  I experienced exactly what you're talking about in my workplace. I worked on the sales floor for a large retailer during my early transition.  About a month after coming out at work (but not consciously making any physical changes) I noticed that customers started to react to me differently. .. and smiled more.

  A coworker stated, at the time, that I had a new "light in my eyes" after I started to let the facade fall away. I genuinely believe that some people, without even knowing what's happening, tend to see, "the true you," before you can even see it in the mirror. It's a fascinating thing, this phenomenon we call transition... I never really thought to tell anyone about it until I read your post. :-)

[Jillieann Rose]

Wow!
That reminds me of this weekend while I was out shopping alone dressed male.
I women went by and she looked at me and smile in away that I have only seen other women smile at each other.
So you think she read me as female. That is interesting and encouraging.
Jillieann

[Illusionary weapons]

'people never think of transsexuality, you either were mistaken about the smiling or they had some reason to think that you were gay'.

Not true!  Gender crossrovers are happening all the time, society is in a constant state of evolution!  It just appears not to be because crossovers become cultural norms when there's mass adoption.  Women wearing trousers was fiercely disapproved of being a clear example and it became a norm here in the West at least.

Here is my question - finally!   For those who are not full-time do you ever get treated by strangers in the street in a fashion more suitable to the opposite sex than the sex you are presenting as?   Everyone knows that men do NOT smile at other men so I was being treated from time to time as a female by complete strangers, which pleased me no end.   

They like you which is what matters

*  I was often stopped by people asking for spare change.   Once I was stopped three times in under 10 minutes.  I like to think it was because I have a feminine face and they know that women are more empathetic than men.   On-the-other-hand, I am quite often stopped and asked for directions which Elijah believes only happens to those perceived as men.   Julia Serano writes that often in shops she would be addressed as 'sir' by one assistant, and another assistant would say to her 'have a nice day ma'am' when she was leaving.

Also conversing with strangers, having a chuckle   Brightens the day no end I'm one of those people who people know I'll stand up against anything, a good death is what the Vikings used to call it lol.  It's a masculine/femminine trait par excellence in my estimations.

[Jennifer]

Stephanie,

I notice that same thing happening to me now that I am on hrt but still in stealth mode. I don't know if I just notice it more or bring it on more because I am happier and smile more at them or because my face is looking more feminine. I work around a ton of macho men and I truly notice more smiles coming my way...can't wait to go full time.

Jennifer

[Carlita]

... my mother said 'What actually happens is that they [mtf transsexuals] weren't being "read" as they thought.  Women have any  number of reasons for looking at other women that have absolutely nothing to do with suspecting you are a transsexual'.  E.g they could be looking at you but thinking about something and not really seeing you, they could be admiring your appearance or criticising it in their mind.  So perhaps that woman who looked at you longer that was perhaps polite or gave you a so-called disapproving look hadn't 'read' you at all.   

I think these are incredibly useful, wise words ... Anyone who has presented male for most of their life simply isn't used to being looked at the way women are by men and by other women. So you could say that getting all those woman-to-woman glances, frank appraisals and approving/disapproving looks is actually a sign of passing, not of being read.

Conversely, I one edited a magazine story, way back in the day, in which a female writer had to live as a man for a week. She was given professional make-up, facial hair, binder, etc and categorically passed as a man ... And the thing she found totally freaky and disconcerting was NOT being looked at. As much as she was somewhat feminist, objected to guys wolf-whistling her, etc, she absolutely hated the anonymity of male life and felt invisible, ignored and only half-there as a man passing unnoticed through the streets.

Just one example of how very, very different the two genders' experiences of life really can be ...

[Colleen Ireland]

Interesting thread.  I've never had an experience that I characterized as being read "female" when I'm presenting "male", but I came out to my supervisor several weeks ago, and we've been meeting weekly since then to discuss the progress of the transition plan (upper management, the people who know, have been meeting weekly to make plans), and she said that everyone who knows, including the head of IT, the head of HR and the president, has remarked that I seem happier, more lively, and interact with people more, and in a more positive way - they've already seen a change in me, despite the fact that I'm still presenting male at work.  Very interesting indeed.  I think it's just that I'm now bringing more and more of Colleen to the forefront, mainly because I'm living part-time (Colleen at home, Tim at work), and I'm just getting more used to being female.  I'm even Colleen in my dreams now, pretty much all the time.

[Janet_Girl]

I noticed that people began reacting to me, diffrently almost since the beginning og HRT.  I think we give off signals or phermones or an aura, that people pick up on and react to.

And smiling is one of the reaction.  Guys smile at me, and so do the women.  Women, because that is what women do.  Men because I think it is a way of flirting.

[Illusionary weapons]

Janet I think if someone is truly happy others pick up on the positivity and they go zing as well, happiness is contagious, life affirming

[Padma]

Yeah - when I'm on the London Underground (well, anywhere really, but particularly down there), I make a point of making eye contact and smiling at people instead of looking at the adverts, and it really changes people, if you're just smiling for the sake of smiling, rather than because you want something from them. I also compliment strangers on their clothes or hair or shoes, if I'm genuinely struck by them (like "hey, I really like your shoes!"), and then just smile and walk on. People, especially young men, just love this! They're never sure if they look good or not .

Oddly, I've also used the smiling thing as a way of dealing with my own fear of others - like if I'm walking down a street and there's a small crowd of teens walking towards me, I'm inclined to get scared/defensive (I was beaten up by 6 teens a few years ago, which was one of the things that started my PTSD going) - so my way through this is that I imagine them the way they'd look if they were all smiling as they walked towards me, and that completely transforms how I feel about them - and it also changes what response I'm radiating, so they behave differently around me, much more neutral or friendly. Wanting to see people around me happy makes me happier - it's all interwoven'n'stuff .

[Illusionary weapons]

6 of em? Bloody cowards /shakes head in disgust.

[Padma]

They didn't want to do any real damage, because they didn't want that kind of trouble. But it all happened because I was riding an electric scooter, which made me somehow fair game - and I was really pissed off by how offhand the police were with me, like "you're a big man, get over it" just a couple of months after my wife at the time had something a lot less intense but similar happen to her and the police were falling over themselves to give her support. Pff.