Helloo. This is going to be very long, but I'd like it if one or two of you could bear with me and share your opinions (and thank you if you do). If not, I think this will be good for me to "get out" anyway.
I'm no longer a SO, but I very recently ended a three year relationship with an FTM. I suppose the reason I want to post is because I've enjoyed reading about the experiences of other SO's here, and because I've not been able to share my view of the relationship with anyone but my ex. I also read a thread about the current occurrences in one SO's relationship which sound similar to how mine became (in some ways).
First off, I want to express that I don't mean to sound like I'm here to criticize my ex, but some of our relationship background may present him in a negative light. I do see him as a good man, and I still care about him a lot. In fact, I feel like this is almost a confession, because I see how many lovely and strong SO's there are here who have stayed with their partners through thick and thin, and I'm wondering if I've failed my ex. I've felt a lot of anger towards him this past month or so because, whilst I know much of it isn't really his fault, I do feel he's largely responsible for the break-up. But now, reading some of the experiences of others on here makes me question if I'm not simply being weak.
Probably something important to know is that our relationship was/is mainly long-distance. It grew quickly from a friendship we formed after discovering (from the daily polls of a music site) that we shared many strong opinions. He could make me laugh like no one else ever had, and I do so love to laugh. He'd speak in the most intelligent manner about all sorts of topics, which no one had cared to talk to me about before, and – from his classes and his own curious ways – he introduced me to many new concepts and subjects. He was charming, and promised me he'd never act in the hurtful ways my ex girlfriend(s) had. I very much enjoyed having a partner who didn't care about the "girly things" others seem so hung up on.
We ran into out first major problem when he became obsessed with a new teacher. He'd spend all of his time reading their books, poetry, emailing them, talking about them to me or his brother (often when I could overhear), meeting with them, etc. He'd even tell me the sex dreams he'd have about this person. Yet he would lie about the rest, even though we both knew I knew. (You might call me somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to love, but I believe the best kind – for me personally – involves dedication to a partner. It's amazing to only have eyes for each other... Thankfully, I realise most people aren't the same, but I at least expect honesty from my SO.) It broke my heart in two every time I looked at him and knew what he was doing. Every time I thought about it, or knew he had a class or a meeting with this professor. The times he'd so unsubtly lie. Eventually he admitted everything, with words that shattered me but were also a relief to hear – knowing I wouldn't have to keep going through the daily routine which would see me crying each night.
We ended the relationship for only a brief period, until he called and said the thought of losing me had made his feelings for the professor vanish. Being a fool for love and believing in "second" chances, I agreed to be with him again, but this had really strained any trust I'd had in him. He'd lied in the past about more trivial matters, but any lie to the person you love is, to me, a hurtful and 'bad thing' to do. Yet I believed him the times he told me he'd stop. He'd make promises and excuses, and I wanted to believe he could change for me. It got to the point where I must have used the line, "Lie to me again and I'll leave you" dozens of times, but I don't think he ever took me seriously. He was (is) of the opinion that a "small" lie is fine – and said on more than one occasion (especially after coming out) that he had never cheated, and therefore was much better than many other men (which made me feel as if he thought I should just be grateful that he was loyal, rather than upset about his lying).
I felt I'd become...a type of lover I'd always promised myself I wouldn't be, and that I was with someone who had parts of their personality I'd always been so strongly against.
His feelings for the professor actually re-surfaced after a while, but not for long, and later circumstances meant that they wouldn't be able to talk how they had been. Still, this background and his ways resulted in my trust (in him) and overall security being very fragile, but we were coming up to our first physical meeting. He was still identifying as female at this point.
His 'coming out' as transgender was no surprise to me, as he had been relatively open about his feelings from the start (though not to others). He'd asked me near the beginning how I'd feel if he identified as male, or if I thought I could love a man (as I'd previously identified as a cis lesbian). We also started being intimate with him as a male long before he 'came out', and I knew he loved when I called him "my man" (etc). In terms of sex, we went as far as buying a realistic strap-on to be used the first time I physically visited him, which we discovered made having sex much more comfortable for him. He let me know when he started watching more FTM and trans-related videos (sometimes sharing them), and we had several other longer discussions about his feelings, including reasons why he wasn't (then) currently ready to be male-identified. So, when he told me, it didn't feel much like a 'coming out' to him or I.
Our first trip together was fantastic. He was proud to hold my hand and show me around his world, and happy to take me places and to introduce me to people. He 'came out' not long after.
Ever since then...I feel like we've been on a slippery slope. Reflecting back, I'd say there have been different stages (I'm talking months at a time) where I've felt at my wits end over various matters. I'm no saint either and have a tendency to express pain through anger when talking to him, and leave the crying parts for when I'm alone. I'm not going to go into as much detail with the "stages" in case the site breaks from the length of this
, but the first was probably when he would be very reserved; wouldn't share his feelings; wouldn't want to talk about issues. This was on and off during the relationship, but, to his credit, he did – after many months – start generally being more open. A second, brief and more spaced out "stage" was him wanting to spend all his days playing on his consoles. Another was where he was so close to his brother that we would never get "alone time" together. For a movie or to talk, to argue or to make love – and sex was the only time he would really push his brother to leave us alone, but we could be half-way through and he'd still stop to joke with him, and then come back to me and expect us to carry on. If I asked him to talk to his brother, he'd tell me to do it, which made me feel even more as if...he didn't care about the intimacy with me; he'd rather be joking with one of the lads. Especially regarding sex or arguing – those would often see him and his brother laughing whilst I was either shouting or in tears. Another was where it seemed like all he could mention was sex, whether he'd be joking about it or just commenting on what he wanted all of the time. Unfortunately this ended up in me having little sex drive, which we both hated. Then one where he had very little to say all day and night, and any conversation had to come from me. Another when I felt as if almost everything he was thinking and saying was negative – now, he was medically diagnosed with one type of depression, so for this I tried for a long time to be understanding of, but after twice giving up on his medication and not trying to change his negative mindset, I started feeling very down myself. When we were on our second trip together and nothing seemed different, it really crushed me. We only got two weeks in a year – two expensive weeks – to physically spend time with one another, and it felt largely wasted. He did give me a promise ring on this trip and another speech about not lying again and trying to work out the communication problem, but even at the time I felt sad knowing it didn't seem likely to happen any time soon. And lastly, a "stage" where all he could focus on was his trans identity and everything related to this.
Over time, I stopped enjoying talking to him, which was something I'd believed could never happen. I thought about everything over the course of the relationship and, I have to admit, I panicked. Not for an hour or a night, but I spent every day for at least a couple of months (leading up to our split) thinking about this. I associated with so much of his past/behaviour to negative male stereotypes that I began to think, "If this is what the rest of my life is going to be like with a man..." I didn't want to have those thoughts. I think it's safe to say I'd supported him quite strongly in his identity and progressing with his transition until then, but the man I fell in love with seemed so lost. I'm not great with words, but part of a post I read on this site sums up my feelings about this. To quote, "whether we admit it to ourselves or not the truth is that becoming our true selves is of OVERIDING importance and everything else kind of goes on hold until that issue has been addressed and settled". It seems to me as if this happened with him.
I don't know how common this is. When I did communicate my feelings, he'd tell me other transgender people have experienced the same with themselves and their SO's, and gotten through once they'd started hormone treatment and were passing more. He'd also say something I've seen or heard mentioned from others – that he was simply going through the childhood he'd never gotten to experience.
However, this always makes/made me think...I never got a "childhood" either. I fell ill at a young age with something long-term, and have had to deal with it since. With it coming up to us both nearing university graduation, we would – if still together – be looking to move me there. This would be a big deal for me. I'd of course be giving up close friends, family. The chance to watch my two year old niece grow up. Moving to a country a long distance away. I felt I couldn't do this – the relationship and giving up so much – to be with someone going through "childhood".
(Just to add... Circumstances also play a big factor; I don't believe the break-up to be all of his "fault". My illness is very limiting. Realistically, it would be at least two years before I could move, and there would be a lot of pressure on me to get a job here and then there. I also would really liked to have been there for him when he starts T, but I know this isn't possible with how long we'd need for me to move, and I never want to hold him back from his transition. Plus, with my frayed trust in him...)
But, as I said...reading these statements on this site and elsewhere, and seeing them in a context which seems to me to say, "You should be accepting and just live through it"...is this a weakness on my part? I feel like I've gone through so much already to try and make it work with him. That I lost the man I fell in love with somewhere along the way. I have no idea of his opinions on anything other than transition/trans-issues and the negatives in life now. His passion and curiosity for learning and sharing seemed to vanish long ago. We stopped laughing unless we were watching a comedy show together, because obviously his negative views or thoughts about transition are serious. He's told me to wait, to see how it would be after transition, but I'm struggling to imagine past a time when his identity is not be all he thinks about. I get confused about what I should have - according to him and apparently many members of the "trans community" - accepted in support of his transition, and what is just not acceptable...but I'm not sure a lot of it was.
If anyone managed to get through all of this... Opinions? Have I done the right thing for both of us or am I just terrible at supporting the one I've loved?
