Are closeted TS's prone to co-dependent relationships?

[RachelH]

I was just wondering due to the nature of hiding your true identity, before coming out to people, if TS's are more prone to having co-dependent relationships? 

When I looked into my former relationships, in particular my last one I realise that I have been. One of the key factors is that you are willing to strip your own identity in favour of your partner's. I have felt that I didn't have a true identity, or rather I had a fake one, before I accepted who I really was and therefore didn't mind changing my own behaviour  to make her more comfortable. This has caused numerous problems, especially towards the end of my relationships.  I feel rather stupid now seeing this from a clear unrestricted view, and feel that now I am been truthful to my own identity that it would be unlikely to happen again.

Has this happened to other people here, or is it just me?

[Lee]

I sort of had the opposite problem.  I had a fake personality in a body that I felt no attachment to.  Even though I didn't realize I was trans, it bothered me that people were attracted to a person who I could not see as me, and I had a really hard time allowing anyone close.  All of my "relationships" basically consisted of a few dates before I couldn't handle it anymore and stopped seeing them.

[japple]

Everyone is different. Some people are obviously narcissists and they seek sort of a weaker person to be with.  Some people are totally well adjusted.

A lot of TS women feel deep shame and guilt, which creates very low self esteem.  If you feel unlovable or unknowable you're probably going to get into relationships where you feel like the other person...willing to give you love...is more important than finding the right person.

Who knows though. Relationships are plenty complicated without being trans.

[Sandy]

Rachel:

Every long term relationship I had was co-dependent and doomed to failure.  I always felt unlovable and so anyone that showed any sort of affection to me I was grateful and would do anything for.  Up to and including sacrificing every part of my personality and independence.

A classic sign of a co-dependent, or emotionally abusive relationship is that the victim allows themselves to be stripped of independence.  "I don't like your friends, you should stay home" or "I don't want to go there, so we should stay home".  Everything came before me or my well being.  If she didn't want to do it we did not do it.

If you search for "emotional abuse" you'll get dozens of hits on that and co-dependent relations.  If you sift through them there are about 12 symptoms of the abusive relationship.  If your relationship has more than 4 or 5 then the relationship is abusive.  In my last relationship before I came out it was 9 out of 12.

The realization that I was a co-dependent enabler was just as staggering to me as my realization that I was transsexual.

I have not allowed myself to be a victim since.  Nor will I ever allow that to happen to me again.

I don't know if it is systemic to transsexuals, but I too feel that it may be a large percentage of those trans people who are late bloomers.  Especially those who feel that they have to sacrifice everything for their family before they can even contemplate their own issues.  Which means never, effectively.

-Sandy