Ruthies first day of school as Ruthie

[Shana A]

FEBRUARY 28, 2011 8:40PM
Ruthies first day of school as Ruthie

http://open.salon.com/blog/megwc/2011/02/28/ruthies_first_day_of_school_as_ruthie

Always provide for a distraction when your child appears in public for the first time as his or her affirmed gender. I learned this and other things on Ruthie's first day of school as a girl.

Connor—one of my fifth graders—hugs me goodbye and takes off on his bike. Although a bike is faster he leaves for school before us to avoid the crowded sidewalks. I, on the other hand, dawdle on our way out the door. The other three play catch on the lawn, backpacks lined up on the porch glider. I am blessed with children who hate to be late, but I don't want to be early today because Ruthie is wearing a skirt to school for the first time and I don't want her to linger too long on the school grounds in front of the crowds of ogling children.

[cynthialee]

Times are a changin'.

[regan]

I'll lead off by saying that unfortunately what we see of this is so often sensationalized by the newsmedia reporting the story.  I am glad to see that there are accepting parents and institutions of gender variant children, but I am still concerned that well meaning parents may be pushing their children towards permanent solutions to what may be temporary problems.  Unfortunately we don't have long term studies on the outcomes of the pre-puberty transition crowd.

[rejennyrated]

Times are a changin'.

Maybe in the USA but here this has been happening for some while as I can personally attest.

I was at least part way there as early as the mid 1960's, and I can well remember the mixture of hope and fear as I walked out the first day as myself.

I'll lead off by saying that unfortunately what we see of this is so often sensationalized by the newsmedia reporting the story.  I am glad to see that there are accepting parents and institutions of gender variant children, but I am still concerned that well meaning parents may be pushing their children towards permanent solutions to what may be temporary problems.  Unfortunately we don't have long term studies on the outcomes of the pre-puberty transition crowd.

And yes we do.... Despite my teenage wobble thanks to an unhelpful therapist, I probably count as one of the first generation, and I turned out just fine. In fact the only people I ever got pressure from were precisely those who seemed to think they had a god given right to protect me from myself "Oh it's just a phase" "oh you cant understand the permanence of this" "Oh you'll regret it."

Well I say bull! My parents never pushed me - do you realise what a struggle it is for a child to do something like this? I wasn't an idiot. I understood the consequences perfectly. The people who didn't were the nanny types who wanted to stop me until Testosterone would have ruined my body. 

When a child says something like this you may not want to push them r make it too easy, but you certainly shouldn't prevent them from making progress.

[Janet_Girl]

On Ruthie's first day, she would not really have to worry about the kids.  It is the ignorant, bigoted, hateful parents she has to worry about.

[regan]

When a child says something like this you may not want to push them r make it too easy, but you certainly shouldn't prevent them from making progress.

Absolutely, I agree - in matters of life or death.  I do think where a complete and total social transition is the only alternative to a child who is otherwise intensely suicidal, it should be the only way.  I'd even say that in the more moderate cases, its appropriate as well.  Why should we deny a child the right to live as their true gender.  We don't exclude children from society for other handicaps, this should be no different.

Where I am concerned is when children enter into social transitions that offer them little to no means to backtrack should they change their mind.  Or where on the mild to moderate spectrum, little else is done to explore the root cause of the child's crossgender interests.  How many boys have expressed an interest in being girls, beucase what they see is that girls recieve more affection, are praised for being gentle, etc?  It may be media bias, but in some of the profiled pre-pubtery transitions there is at least some question as to external non-gender based influences that may be impacting the child's decision making process.  How many otherwise well adjusted children persist in crossgender identification becuase of overt or covert reinforcement by their parents or other authority figures?  How many children despite their initial crossgender expression, later fear going back becuase of their fears of rejection by the very people that accept them as their "true selves"?

There are no easy asnwers.

[regan]

I'm using Ruthie as a "for example"...

Ruthie as "L" grew up in Chinese orphanges, adopting boys from China is almost unheard of, most people that go to China looking to adopt are looking to adopt girls.   "L" wouldn't be the first boy in that situation to think that being a girl, becuase magical thinking so works at that age, would either get him adopted, becuase that's what he sees going on around him, or feels his rejection by his family might not have happened had he been a girl instead.

This would not be the first adopted child of that age range, and later, that has gone through that line of reasoning.

Having said that, it does seem like all the appropriate steps were taken before Ruthie's first day...

[spacial]

Regan,

I can really understand the point you're making. I have considered it myself, very seriously.

The process isn't about society simply accepting the occasional child who is transgender. The process is about breaking down the gender norms that separate people.

But it goes deeper than that. Those that rant that boys should dress as boys, really need to say how boys should dress. Pink was once a perfectly acceptable colour for boys. If tradition is what we're aiming for, lets all dress in smocks and wait to be whiped by our feudal overloards.

But it goes deeper than that. It's about the freedom for each of us to express ourselves. If a boy wants to have his hair long, or a girl wants to wear jeans, then there needs to be a better reason than norms to say they can't.

But it goes deeper than that. Let's assume that this child, grows up and decides they want to be a male, after all. Why should they feel in any way disturbed or upset about their previous declaration? What exactly is so demeaning about being a girl that, later they need to be ashamed of it?

But still it goes deeper. Having been a transgender child who was frustrated by her environment, (not a complaint against the environment, conformity was essential, I wasn't popular enough to be different), I can say, without fear of contradiction, that children know who they are. This little girl knows who she is.

Assuming, for a moment, that this child's desire to be female, is borne out of some psychological trauma, in early age. Is that a reason to frustrate it or dismiss it as irrelevant?

That opens the question, is it acceptable to psychoanalyse any behaviour we fancy? We can psychoanalyse men who like sport, to rid them of their obscession.

This is a dangerous path, based upon dangerous assumptions.

[regan]

At the end of the day, we need to do what we need to do in order to be happy.  If a child needs to wear a dress to school, whether they identify as a boy or a girl, regardless of what their biological id is, then they should be allowed to do so.

I worry most about the kids that do cross gender lines and names get changed (legally), gender markers get changed, etc.  In other words the well meaning adults surrounding them will welcome their male or female bodied child back with open arms "when they change their mind" (becuase all it takes is for one child to in order for the system to be declared "flawed") but lay a virtual minefield for them to cross back through.

How far are we from those same parents taking irreversable steps to help their children "fit in better".  Cis gendered teens and even pre-teens are seeking plastic surgery already, how long before we cross that line with transgendered children?