A Letter of complaint

[Tammy Hope]

I realize that for many of you this will sound too nice, and too tolerant of religious disapproval. but there are two things at work here:

1. you are never going to convince a religious organization to roll over on their stated beliefs with just one letter

2. I really am willing to give people the space to follow religious beliefs I disagree with so long as they do not impose upon me.

so that said, here's a letter I've dispatched via e-mail and snail-mail to the Salvation Army - names and locations redacted:

To whom it may concern:


I would like to call your attention to an incident which I believe violates the stated positions of the Salvation Army as well as the common standards of professional conduct and therefore compels me to voice my concern.

It is necessary in doing so that I provide you with a bit of background. I live in R-----, MS and have been a regular and prolific customer of the SA store there and an occasional shopper at SA stores in the surrounding communities (------ and etc). I am a person of very low income and therefore I rely heavily on thrift shops and yard sales for my purchases – probably 75% of all the clothing in my wardrobe originates with one of those sources and most of that from the Salvation Army.
In addition to this, I am a M2F transsexual who conducts myself full time as a female. I have, in the past, never had cause to complain about any treatment I've ever received in an SA store. It saddens me to report I can no longer make that claim.  Recently, the R----- store was hiring new staff under the authority, so it is my understanding, of the staff of the ----- store. Even though I knew that my status was likely incompatible with the nature of your organization, such is my employment situation that I submitted an application for the position simply as an effort to "leave no stone unturned." This letter is NOT written to complain that I did not get that job – or indeed, even get interviewed. I had expected that would be the case.

However, what came after is distressing to me. On Thursday March 3, a relative of mine was shopping in this same store. The employee was apparently unaware of any connection between this person and myself. My relative reports to me that she overheard a conversation between the employee and a customer as he (the customer) was checking out. It seems the man was purchasing some items of female clothing and for some reason (we assume there was previous discussion my relative did not hear) the checker asked the customer if he was one of "them." He said "no, these are for my wife" and the checker replied, "oh well, I wondered because we'd had one of them apply for a job here."
He asked "You mean the blond guy who goes around dressed like a woman?" and she said "Yes. We had some customers say they would quit shopping here if he were checking them out."

Now, to be perfectly clear, I understand people's ignorance about my condition and circumstances, and I am very tolerant of disapproving opinions. I have no complaint regarding the clerk's opinion even though I disagree with it and find the reference to "them" to be callous and un-Christian. Obviously I have no cause to complain about the customer. However, I do object strongly to the idea that an employee of your organization would, while on the job, discuss with a customer a third party in such derisive terms. This is, in my opinion, un-Christian and unprofessional.  In the position statements on your site I find the following passage regarding homosexuality:

"Likewise, there is no scriptural support for demeaning or mistreating anyone for reason of his or her sexual orientation. The Salvation Army opposes any such abuse."

While my condition is not, in fact, homosexual or any other sexual orientation – I'm aware that many people commonly misperceive that it is. The conversation was, I submit, a violation of the spirit of your (commendable) organizational position.

Let me be very clear: I am NOT interested in personal gain from this. I have no interest in lawyers and rabble-rousing. Nor do I want the employee in question personally and specifically disciplined (if for no other reason than I don't want a hostile situation when I shop there – it wouldn't be hard for them to figure out who complained unless they are bad mouthing several other transsexuals of whom I'm unaware).  I would not consider this an error which rises to that level in any case. I do not, for now, even intend to alter my patronage of the store.

What I would like to respectfully request is this: a memo from the main office instructing all employees, particularly those who work with the public, on proper discretion in these matters. It need not only be in regards to those of us who live so-called "alternative lifestyles" (the term lifestyle being wildly inaccurate for my situation but that aside) – it would apply just as much to any situation about which an employee might carelessly gossip about customers who've shopped In the store, or indeed, anyone since one never knows if the subject is a friend or relative of a nearby customer as was this case on this occasion. Such conversation on the job, and within earshot of customers, does not reflect well on the employee or the Salvation Army. While I would find an effort at diversity training (at least in sensitivity – it need not compromise your Christian disapproval of homosexuality or anything else) to be praiseworthy, even that is beyond what I am asking.

If you would be so kind as to acknowledge and address my concerns, I would be greatly gratified. If you could assure me that the directive I requested will be dispatched, you will have my heartfelt gratitude and my continued respect for a commendable Christian organization.

Submitted with my highest regards,

Thoughts?

[LordKAT]

Maybe it is just in my personal interpretation but, are you apologizing or complaining? Or apologizing for complaining?  I understand what you mean about asking for employees being directed to not gossip about customers to other customers. This is just rude.


Ok, I am saying it is a bit wordy.

[Cindy]

Hi Tammy,

Nice, but doesn't get to the point quick enough. The problem was that an employee did several things wrong. Firstly they insulted a customer by asking if the clothing was for them. Wrong, none of their business.  Second, they insulted you publicly. Wrong, obviously illegal. Thirdly they gave away confidential information about job applicants. I obviously don't know the law where you are , but where I am that is grounds to dismiss the whole process of employing a person and starting again. It reeks of discrimination. To put it very crudely (but with no offence meant) what would be the position if the person was referring to a coloured person, Oh a coloured person applied for the job, fat chance they would get it. Same sort of discrimination.

The SA are a big commercial organisation. I happen to respect their charity work greatly and I donate  rather a lot to them to support that work. But they are still a business and should be as accountable as one, maybe even more so.

As Lord Kat mentioned you are being apologetic for being totally and completely unfairly treated.  I realise you are concerned about progressing a situation to a point where you will be unable to shop there. But are you going to be comfortable being served by this creep? I would be more objective.

I realise I am in a different situation. The one time I was insulted in a female clothing area in a big Dept store with lots of people around the counter, I demanded to see the manager.  OK it meant there was no hope of being stealthy, but the shop assistant had blown that anyway. She was fired on the spot. I was given the garments for no charge, and the shop sent a memo to all of its employees of how to treat people like us.  We have a duty of care to protect others who are not as strong as we are. I know people at Susan's who would have had contemplated and maybe even gone for suicide after such an event.

Sorry if that was a little long

Hugs

Cindy

[lancem27]

Tammy, I am sorry this happened to you.

Cindy hit the nail right on the head. Get to the point, because it was clearly wrong - including background like how much you shop at SA is useful, but make sure you clearly list why you are upset. Even bullet points could be helpful.

And Cindy - I would have LOVED to see the transphobic employee's expression as she was fired for her actions! Right there and then. Man, how sweet it would have been. Wish more companies had those kind of "balls"!

[joshany12]

I know people at Susan's who would have had contemplated and maybe even gone for suicide after such an event.

youve got one of them here. i had an incident a while back where i was in a uk department store and i went to purchase a few items of womens clothing, not only did i get asked who it was for (totally inapropriate to begin with) but when i said was for my girlfriend there response was "yeah right, i guess shes the exact same size as you right" and laughed. i was so distraught i ran out the store, leaving behind the clothing and my wallet in my haste and in a fit of self loathing i tried to do something i would very much have regretted.
i have since made do with clothing from the few female friend ive told who are willing to help me out with things. ive been too scared to buy myself anything since and the embarrasement and beliteling of the whole situation almost made me do something stupid.
to let her get away with that would sicken me, it has a huge effect on some of the more sensitive and less thick skinned of us

[SarahM777]

This is just a suggestion from someone who runs their own business. It would be more helpful to state the nature of your complaint first. One of the things i have found is that people will start to let their mind wander if that is not the first thing and they will not take it as seriously if the complaint is not the first thing. What it does is grab their attention. The other is to keep the complaint as short and to the point as possible and then use the rest later in the body of the letter.

[spacial]

Tammy.

I do hope yopu don't think it inappropriate of me to offer an edit fo your letter. I have to say, I am in complete agreement with Cindy and would go further, backing Kat, to say you sound like you're apologising for existing.

On Thursday March 3, a relative of mine was shopping in a branch of your store, <name/address>. My relative reports to me that she overheard a conversation between the employee and a customer as he (the customer) was checking out. It seems the man was purchasing some items of female clothing and for some reason (we assume there was previous discussion my relative did not hear) the checker asked the customer if he was one of "them." He said "no, these are for my wife" and the checker replied, "oh well, I wondered because we'd had one of "them" apply for a job here."

He asked "You mean the blond guy who goes around dressed like a woman?" and she said "Yes. We had some customers say they would quit shopping here if he were checking them out."

Is it necessary for your staff to gossip in a derogotry manner about customers? It is appreciated that some have narrow views about others, but a charatable organisation like the Salvation Army should, I suggest, be attempting to maintain the reputation is has developed over the many years it has been serving the community, by embracing people. Such expressions of these attitudes are unnecessary, they serve no constructive purpose and are likely to make many feel uncomfortable in your stores and in the company of your organisation.

I am bound to say that, all of those to whom I and my relative have related this conversation are left feeling particularly uncomfortable with your stores now.

[Tammy Hope]

This is just a suggestion from someone who runs their own business. It would be more helpful to state the nature of your complaint first. One of the things i have found is that people will start to let their mind wander if that is not the first thing and they will not take it as seriously if the complaint is not the first thing. What it does is grab their attention. The other is to keep the complaint as short and to the point as possible and then use the rest later in the body of the letter.

good advice.

[Tammy Hope]

Hi Tammy,

Nice, but doesn't get to the point quick enough. The problem was that an employee did several things wrong. Firstly they insulted a customer by asking if the clothing was for them. Wrong, none of their business.

Agreed.
but that was so wildly out of the norm around here at least (in the southern culture, that's a VERY brazen question - well outside the boundaries of everyday civility) that we both assumed there was something unheard which set that bit up and made it more understandable.

Second, they insulted you publicly. Wrong, obviously illegal.

This, on the other hand, is not uncommon at all (to bad mouth someone who's not around to hear it) and not remotely restricted to something as unusual as being trans. A comment about someone's clothes or cleanliness or kids or any of a hundred other things - if she hadn't been an employee it wouldn't be remarkable in any way.

And, by the way, not REMOTELY illegal. Even as an employee.

Thirdly they gave away confidential information about job applicants. I obviously don't know the law where you are , but where I am that is grounds to dismiss the whole process of employing a person and starting again. It reeks of discrimination.

It does reek of discrimination but trans is not a protected class under the law in the great majority of the U.S. and not remotely anywhere near here.

The confidentiality thing is possibly actionable, however, if I wanted to pursue it. but given the VERY low regard for people like us in some quarters in this part of the country, i can't imagine anything would come of it. i expect that if forced to defend it the emploee and the supervisor (and the odds are great the supervisor WAS the speaker i question) would simply deny it and you'd have a "your word against mine" situation and nothing would be done.

and I'd gain the reputation of not only a freak but a trouble-maker - even less likely to be employed than before.

To put it very crudely (but with no offence meant) what would be the position if the person was referring to a coloured person, Oh a coloured person applied for the job, fat chance they would get it. Same sort of discrimination.

It is, but it's not recognized as such in law.

The SA are a big commercial organisation. I happen to respect their charity work greatly and I donate  rather a lot to them to support that work. But they are still a business and should be as accountable as one, maybe even more so.

I don't disagree but my take is that any business ought to be given a respectful chance to correct a minor incident. if, for instance, they wrote me back and said essentially "we don't care" then the wheel might get more squeaky.

Unless it's a place with a track record of bad behavior, it's not my nature to go antagonistic from the start. might be a fault of mine but that's how i'm wired.

As Lord Kat mentioned you are being apologetic for being totally and completely unfairly treated.  I realise you are concerned about progressing a situation to a point where you will be unable to shop there. But are you going to be comfortable being served by this creep? I would be more objective.

Actually, that's a secondary concern. I'm being respectful ("apologetic" to use LK's word) because i don't assume the whole organization is clueless just because one employee demonstrates herself to be.

also - and obviously I'm no activist so maybe with years of experience I'd learn I'm wrong here - my thinking is that many organizations, particularly religious ones, EXCEPT hostility and "rabble rousing" and automatically react with defensiveness. I may have overcompensated here, but my approach is "I'm trying to call attention to something I'm sure you just as much as I would like to see corrected" in order to avoid the potential hostility.

As for being served by her - I have the blessing of being very thick skinned. I decline to give such people the satisfaction of offending me or making me uncomfortable - it gives them power they are not entitled to. I'd be more likely to go out of my wake to make her uncomfortable than to shy away from her.

I realise I am in a different situation. The one time I was insulted in a female clothing area in a big Dept store with lots of people around the counter, I demanded to see the manager.

Oh, to be clear, my apporach would have been VASTLY different if It had been to my face. THAT is an entirely different thing in my mind.

  OK it meant there was no hope of being stealthy, but the shop assistant had blown that anyway. She was fired on the spot. I was given the garments for no charge, and the shop sent a memo to all of its employees of how to treat people like us.

I've begun to take specific issues with names and pro-nouns and so forth (albeit it doesn't help when my wife refers to me as "Daddy" in public and refuses to adjust) - mostly to good results. i don't try to get people fired because so far when it has happened it's been obviously ignorance and not maliciousness. Not long ago i was in a store that i had complained about an employee in before, and i got a chance to speak privately to the store manager and ask her if she would direct her employees that I prefer "she" and "her" and never ever "sir" and she was very pleasant about it.

i don't know if she did so but i haven't found any fault there since.  I do try to distinguish according to the intent I perceive. I think that in the long run, I'll alienate more people than i win if i go about letting innocent ignorance be the trigger for people getting written up or fired. At least i this area which is predisposed to dislike me anyway.

We have a duty of care to protect others who are not as strong as we are. I know people at Susan's who would have had contemplated and maybe even gone for suicide after such an event.

I agree with the sentiment. but the think is, the hater in question won't stop being a hater if she's fired, she will just become an evangelist for the idea that "perverts" like me need to be stopped because "decent" people lose their jobs for not putting up with them.  She wouldn't keep her mouth shut, she'd get worse and talk more, and so would everyone who counts her a friend.

My way, maybe - JUST MAYBE - a gentle reprimand would call attention to a fault she didn't even realize she had. and be less likely to draw negative attention to us.

in more tolerant areas, that might not be the right approach.