lonely in limbo

[joshany12]

im sat here this morning feeling so alone.
been really struggling to find anyone with both GID and autism and struggling to trust anyone (i can out to 1 friend and already her brothers and sisters know, meaning i am really feeling like i cant trust the closest person i had).
i had an autism meltdown the other day triggered by hatred of my own body and almost hit a woman. im really scared that i have that in me. i used to be such a calm loving person by im scared the more i try to work through my GID the more im gonna start subconciously rebelling against my self.
i just dont know who i am any more 

[JaimeJJ]

**hugs**

I can't comment on the autism part, but I understand the loneliness, its horrible. It consumes me and the only way I get through it is to try to think of the positives that the future holds, as dark as it may seem at the moment.

I don't know your friend or anything about them but I have found that when you tell somebody about your GID, you felt the need to get it off your chest and talk to somebody about it because it was such a big issue that maybe your friend found it too hard to keep it all to him/herself and needed to talk about it too? Like I said I don't know your friend or their motives but that is one thing I have found with transitioning.

Have you sought out a therapist yet? Preferably one with knowledge of GID?

[joshany12]

starting sunday im meeting with a new therapist who has experiance with both autism AND GID who will hopefully be a huge help. im just, i dunno.
when i started working toward this for a while it felt soooo good, but all of a sudden all the things that could go wrong, the things im gonna be dealing with, the potential storm of rubbish thats gonna come my way this next few years just hit me.
its all a little much to deal with when im having to deal with autism as well.
the annoying thing is autism tends to get easier to live with as you age, but for those with GID hitting puberty just makes it all the harder to manage 

[JaimeJJ]

Yeah I understand. When I first self diagnosed myself with GID I felt so happy and like a lightbulb went off inside, but as time goes on you realise how hard things are gonna be and all the bad things that come along with it and I have been at the point of crying for hours over it. You just have to tell yourself that someday it will all be worth it.

Your new therapist sounds promising if they deal with autism and GID, sounds like that could really help you so try and focus on that as a big step forward to getting the help you deserve.

[joshany12]

yeah exactly, ive spoken on here before about the fears i had about my father, and i assumed that would be the worst, but the effect its having on my autistic traits, the hatred of this limbo, its meant that for a good week my 2 emotions are either super super excited and happy (see last sunday when i got invited on a girly shopping trip (ignoring the crushing when i got shouted at for being too near the change rooms XD))  or im in this horrible something.
i just sit at home crying for hours wishing there was any other way to explain how i feel, or some option to run away and ignore it, but i know i cant XD.
i havent slept in 3 days, ive just not been able to stop thinking about it all

[JaimeJJ]

Firstly, if you havn't slept for 3 days I suggest you see a doctor as that is really not doing you any good at all.  You need sleep to function and if you aren't getting any you wont be able to function properly and therefore all of these situations will be 10x harder on you, I promise.  You need to get some sleep and things will seem a lot clearer.

You don't know for certain how your father will react.  You have read about how mine reacted and my father sounds quite similar to yours and I had a most unexpected reaction from him.  At the end of the day your father loves you and I'm sure he wants nothing but the best for you.  You will see this in time. 

It's not uncommon to sit and home crying for hours trying to deal with your thoughts and emotions, but trust me it does get a little easier.  The main thing I find is that if I am doing something positive towards my transition, these feelings arent as common.  This therapist you are seeing on Sunday sounds like they could help you a lot with your feelings, hopefully they will teach you how to manage and control them better and find a way of expressing yourself easier.

[joshany12]

in terms of sleeping i have been trying various home remedies but to no avail (gp refuses to prescribe anything as i had a failed suicide attempt at the time of coming out to myself).

and i agree totally, whenever im moving forward i feel great, but im trying to prevent myself racing ahead to fast, and every moment im not moving forward is killing me. 

[JaimeJJ]

I know, I do understand I have been there myself and felt all of this.  The best advice I can give you is to just try and stay positive, when you feel you are not doing anything to move forward, tell yourself about your therapy that your doing so that you can be in a healthier place when you do come to transition. 

Transitioning is the hardest thing anyone will ever do in life, although at the same time one of the best things.  It is a long, hard, complicatied, emotional journey that doesn't happen overnight and the best way to do it is to take small baby steps at a pace only YOU are comfortable with.  If you have other issues alongside GID, therapy is the best way to learn to manage them before transitioning, as doing both simultaneously will just be too hard on anybody.

It is all about taking small steps, you will get there in the end, I promise. 

I suggest you speak to somebody about this not sleeping, see if somebody can get you some sleeping tablets or lots of warm milk before bed.

[joshany12]

tried warm milk, turned out to be lactose intolerant hehe ^^
and thankyou youve been a huge help

[JaimeJJ]

No problem, try and do things that make you happy and things to take your mind off all of this - it helps.

And get some sleep! 

[joshany12]

investing the proceeds from my laptop repair work today into a decent set of weighted blankets, from the autism perspective they should help me sleep alot more soundly (got a makeshift variation atm).

im gonna try do 1 thing new every day i think and see if that helps. thanks

[JaimeJJ]

Good! See, slow comfortable steps to making youself feel better already!
PM me if you need to talk or anything, I'll always listen 

[joshany12]

thankyou soooo much <3