what to do about my son?

[genesis]

Hi everyone. I was with my ex boyfriend for 9 years, and we had a son together in 2001. We split up in 2003.

Last year my ex called me and told me he had something to tell me. He first told me that he was gay. I noticed that he had changed a lot since I had last saw him, his hair was long, he had plucked his eyebrows and he now wears earings etc.  He wanted me to tell our son that he was gay.

A few weeks later he called me again to say he wasnt gay at all, but he wanted to be a woman. He asked me to go around to his house to see him so we could talk, and when I got there he was dressed as a woman. He told me that he was going to go see his doctor etc. He also said he would like to tell our son as it would be best if it came from him.

Up to now no problems at all from me, Im the kind of person that accepts people for who they are, if he believes he is a woman then so be it, its his life, he should live it the way he likes.

He told our son, who by now was getting confused as he thought his dad was gay then gets told hes not, then gets told hes going to be a woman.

My son was just getting used to the idea when dad calls once again to tell me to forget the whole thing as its not fair to our son and he doesnt want him getting bullied at shcool etc. At this point I basically just told him to get on with it and to leave our son out of it until he was sure about what he was doing.

Apparently he then went to the doctors who told him he would have to pay for surgery etc (not sure how true this is im just going off what he told me) as soon as he found out how much it was going to cost him he then had no intention to proceed, told everyone he would be staying a man and not to talk about it anymore.

Since then, when my son goes round to his house he is wearing womans clothing, make up etc but at the same time tells our son that he doesnt want to be a woman anymore.

I dont care if he wants to change sex, he can do it, its his life, but I feel that he is messing our son around and its not fair, my son comes hom to me with questions I dont know how to answer, and he is so confused. My son is 9 years old and I dont think he should be going through this at that age.

[Padma]

Hello and welcome. I tend to agree with you - I think it's unfair for him to lay this on your son without ensuring that your son has the resources or support to process it. It'd maybe be different if he was sure who he was and was just explaining it, but it sounds like he's currently very confused, and wants your son's approval, and he really needs to be looking elsewhere (and within) for that affirmation while he's figuring out who he really is.

I also think it might be worth you getting some advice from a child counsellor on how best to help your son deal with this (as you're the one having to deal with the fallout from this).

[justmeinoz]

I agree with Yoxi, he seems to be looking for your son to accept a role he is too young for.  Counselling for your son is a good idea, as he has had a shock and will need help to understand what is going on.

[Renate]

I think that the waffling of your ex at this point is not very helpful.
Moreover, deciding not to proceed based on the revelation of surgical costs seems a bit arbitrary.
I think that they need to see a therapist and get this all sorted out.
Until then they should avoid any statements to the press! (I'm being facetious.)

It's somewhat understandable when someone says first that they are gay and later that they are transsexual,
but it does tend to conflate gender identity and sexual orientation.

Your son might benefit from speaking with somebody.

It's nice that you're not making a bigger mess of this than it is.

[spacial]

Have to agree with everyone else. You son needs to talk to someone to work this out.

Really pleased you posted.

[Ruby]

Hello Genesis,

That's a bit tricky to deal with, isn't it? It might be useful to think of your ex-husband as "questioning." The LGBT community often calls itself the LGBTQ community specifically because for lots of people it takes time to figure things out.

It seems sad to me that this trans person (your ex) has gotten the idea from "doctors" that surgery is a necessary part of being transgendered. There are lots of non-op or pre-op transsexuals; there are also people who identify as simply transgendered, presenting in the target gender full-time.

Perhaps your ex is particularly lonely? He doesn't have anyone else that he feels safe sharing with and so he comes to you (and your son)? He might be using the "I have to tell my son" excuse as a way to have someone to come out to. It can be incredibly alienating to be trans; someone with an open attitude like you is often a rarity.

So counseling may be an option if you can afford it; but I'll caution you that you should seek out a gender specialist. Most ordinary counselors are not trained in trans issues. They can be misleading. You could also seek out the support of PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays - and now transpeople as well).

If your son is asking questions you don't understand about transsexuality, I can point you in the direction of a helpful book; True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Family and Friends. It's a pretty easy read and covers a lot of the issues. It doesn't seem fair that you should have to do this work since you have divorced your son's dad; on the other hand, you will always be your son's mother and want to help him understand his life, which includes his love for his dad.

So good luck; ask more questions if you have them. We're here to support you. (I am the wife of a trans woman, who used to be my husband, married over 20 years).
Blessings.
Ruby

[WILBERT]

I would say that its not fair when a person has got married with the girl and they have a son then why he has changed into trans woman . I am so sad to hear your whole story . You need to tell your son the whole story .