I almost caved.

[N.Chaos]

After two weeks of general unpleasantness and worsening dysphoria, I almost threw in the cosmic towel a few days ago.
I'm not sure why I'm writing it here, if I posted it on any other site I was part of I'd be bombarded with "are you okay" for the rest of my life. I figured I just wanted to put it out somewhere where someone would still see it, but not necessarily associate it with me.

What really kicked it off was that afternoon I was supposed to go out with my girlfriend to help her do job applications, and I was digging through my roomate's shirts for one to borrow. I threw on one of his button-ups over a t-shirt, went to take a piss and realized that my chest was really, really noticable. I spent two hours going through EVERYONE's clothes (Mine, my girlfriend's, and roomate's) to find anything that helped. I'm guessing it's because I was going mini-crazy, but everything I put on just made it look worse to me. I started getting pissed. I started getting dizzy I was so upset. I ended up headbutting a metal door and sitting on the couch, practically vibrating because I felt so pissed/useless/hopeless.

I realized one of my knives was sitting on the coffee table next to the couch and I panicked. I felt like I'd have no control over myself if I got ahold of it, and at the same time all I could think of was "If I cut them off, at least I can live five seconds of feeling right". I feel like I'll never have money for top surgery, I'm having a hard enough time leaving the house to grab something across the street right now. I had a full-blown panic attack about it, pathetic as that is. I have no idea how I'm even going to hold down a job right now, I almost got into a brawl with a friend who kept calling me my full name today. It's just got worse and worse. I'm okay now, I had a long talk with my best friend and I've since written a nice long letter to my other friend as to why he should never, ever call me my full name again.

So right now, I'm functioning. I'm waiting on another binder, I'm going to a thrift store soon for new clothes, and I've got a best friend/boyfriend thing that'll help me through anything. It's odd because I never even made contact this time, I've cut myself at least a hundred time over the past few years, and yet this time was one of the scariest. I swear I could literally feel myself falling apart right then and there. If my girlfriend hadn't gotten home so soon, I think I probably would've gotten up and done it. That's...kind of terrifying to think about.

[Melody Maia]

I've been there. I think many of us have. Hold on and tomorrow will probably be a better day. Talk to friends. Join a local trans group and speak to others who will understand. Talk to your therapist. Don't give in.

[xAndrewx]

I'm sorry man but I'm glad you were able to work through it. I had those days and instead of cutting I would just hide in my room crying most of the day but the next day was always a little better. Just next time try to place yourself outside of the situation and remember that although you may not be perfectly flat it's better than it was before the binder.

You're passing way better than before man just take it one day at a time.

[N.Chaos]

Thanks, both of you, especially for not laughing at me.

Melody, getting a therapist is my top priority as soon as I've got some kind of money or insurance. I'd love to be able to vent, honestly, I've wanted therapy for a while now. I'm trying to get ahold of a local trans group to see where/when/if they still run but I haven't gotten anything back yet. Do you think a college would have a group open to anyone or just students? I'm thinking that might be a better option.

Andrew, you're absolutely right. When I'm not having a bitchfit I realize it's actually a LOT better with the binder. I had a friend tell me I'm passing better too, which honestly almost had me crying I was so happy. It's weird how the little things can do so much, positive or negative.

[Melody Maia]

I would never laugh and I doubt anyone on here would either. This is much too painful a thing to do to laugh about. I've spent time myself crying tonight.

Yes do try to get a therapist. I know that the local center her in Orlando actually offers sessions super cheap. I don't know where you live in upstate NY, but I would look to your nearest major city for some sort of LGBT organization/center. Hopefully, there isn't one too far away.

I have no idea if your local college group would be open to non-students. However, it might be worth contacting any campus LGBT groups and see. They might be familiar with local resources and who know what might come of it. You could make some friends who would be willing to lend an ear.

[insideontheoutside]

I don't even know you of course, but I'm glad you stuck around. 

[Arch]

My undergrad institution has an LGBT group that seems to welcome outsiders, but you would have to check schools in your area. And I'll echo Melody--if you are anywhere within driving distance of an LGBT center, see if they have cheap or free counseling. Or if you're low-income, you might qualify for free counseling (not necessarily with a gender specialist, but any port in a storm when you're going nuts). My local county mental health services has some cool programs, actually--yours might, too.

Oh, and I always thought I looked better when I used two binders--they got me a little flatter. I had a pretty good-sized chest, but the tissue was also pretty dense. So I was fond of...the double bind.

Hang in there.

[Cindy]

Sorry N. Chaos

I just caught up with this, No it isn't funny and the endless, you'll be OK stuff while comforting doesn't always help. But sometimes we support by trying to be props. We all go through this (Thanks Cindy really useful advice there doll). 

Why did you feel like this? I'm cool with self analysis but it can also drive me off the edge. And people here know it.  But was it because you didn't look like you? Because your boobs disgust you and you just flared? You were in a hurry and nothing was working?  If I don't get them cut off tomorrow it's too late type of feeling. Or what, try if you can go back and find the trigger (carefully) you want to find it not use it .

Being personal and no I don't need answers. Are you on T? If so how long, it takes a few months to get going even though you may have a placebo effect quickly.  If you aren't on T your female poisons will be affecting your male brain, and we all know from both sides of the fence how difficult that is to deal with. I, and there are several woman who have made similar comments. found that after being on HRT we are starting to emotionally and physically cycle. Guys don't really do that. It';s been a revelation to me about how woman deal with their emotions, and no I don't mean all the stuff about periods, sexual desire etc. Just being human. When I had male hormones poisoning me I would cruise through life in a steady state of misery. It didn't really swing up and down, it was either good or bad, but mainly bad. Now I'm very happy, but the mood swings can be fantastic and bizarre. Both words meant in their true definition. 

It does get better. They keep telling me that, so it must be true.

Stay Strong Young Man

Cindy

[Squirrel698]

My opinion only but if you really feel that you might seriously hurt yourself then you need help.  Medical help. 

You have a mental illness that needs doctors and medicine to begin to heal.  It's not normal and it's not all right and you need more than just coddling.  You need to get better.  Otherwise it's going to happen again and again and then something tragic will occur. 

When I almost hung myself I came to the conclusion that I wasn't doing a good job of handling my depression myself.  Clearly that is not normal behaviour.  I checked into a mental hospital and it was the very best thing I could have done.  They were wonderful there and very respectful of my trans status.  I got on some stabilizing medication and that did wonders. 

What happened was a symptom.  A warning sign.  Just the same as you would check for pneumonia if you had a bad cough.  Check to see what's going on in the head of yours.  There are ways you can be helped. 

[N.Chaos]

@Melody, I've got zero method of transportation. My dad is the only one that drives and he doesn't know about any of this. I'll look around though, I've got a friend who was heavily involved in a LGBT group in college and is still really active in our tiny gay/trans community so if anyone knows, he would.

@Cindy, I'm not on T, I'm not on anything at all. I don't think I will end up going on hormones because when I'm not massively overweight, my face has never been a hindrance to my passing, and my voice is already deeper than most guys I know in real life. My chest is really the only thing that's bad and that bothers me much. I think what kicked it off was the sudden realization that I have no clothes I can wear comfortably, or at least that's what was running through my mind. It was a nice day, I didn't want to wear my huge trench coat, I wanted a jacket and a t-shirt. And I realized that obviously that wouldn't be an option for me for a long time, so if anything kicked it off, that was it.

I'm definitely going to try doubling up when my tri-top shows up, I'm hoping it'll work out well.

Squirrel, you're absolutely right, I've had mental and emotional problems my entire life. Like I said earlier, I desperately want therapy, I want to fix this as much as I can. I'd like to avoid medication if I can because I've had a lot of drug problems, in the past. I know it sounds like I'm avoiding it but I'm really not, it's f***ing impossible to find a job in this town. I've been working on selling my paintings and trying to get my writing picked up, so I can save up money that way, but it's goddamn nearly impossible.

Again, thanks to everyone for responding and making good points. You guys are all great.

[sascraps]

I don't know you either, but I'm glad you made it through that panic attack. Therapy is the one thing that is available free where I live, but there's a long waiting list for it. I did an intake again last September I believe, and still have not gotten a call that a counselor opened up for me. But I think I saw you say in another thread that you have D cups. I do as well. 

[Mika]

I'm glad you made it through the intense panic. I don't want to write anything here that could trigger anyone looking at this thread, but I've had issues with self-mutilation for many years as well, and it's a miracle I still have certain parts of my anatomy, though I do have my share of scarring. In fact, I had an episode today in which I feared I would relapse into those behaviors (gender identity dysphoria-triggered urges to mutilate, in my experience, have been the most pervasive and intense).

I sincerely hope things get better for you.

[BloodLeopard]

I don't want to write anything here that could trigger anyone looking at this thread

Oh man I wish so many people would realize that it does that. I've been battling it as a sort of addiction for a long time.

N.Chaos?
I'm always up to talk to. Email or whatever. I know exactly how it feels. I caved in a different way and spent (or as other people saw... blew) my money on surgery while I had it. Sure... now I'm really hurting for money, but I don't think I would be actively going to school, searching for jobs, or improving my life if I still had the tumors on my chest.

[N.Chaos]

I never even realized of posting a warning or something, I'm sorry guys.

BloodLeopard, thanks man. I don't see how anyone could see that as "blowing" money, I'm glad it helped you so much to go somewhere. I'm hoping that eventually it'll do the same for me, because I really hate this antisocial BS.

[Thatman]

hey man, I know i'm just a newbie here but I'm glad you made it thru that. It sucks and I know how cliche it sounds but it does get better, i have to tell myself that all the time. Dysphoria is horrible, ecspecially when youre broke, but just to share some of my own experience with you, if you are a bit of a bigger guy like me, it kind of works in your favor when it comes to binding. I can get pretty fanatical if i'm not completely flat (i'm 5'7" and weigh 215, so i'm a big guy) but as i look at guys around me who are about my size, I realize they DO NOT have completely flat chests lol. When it comes to self harm, i've been there, done that, still struggle not to when dysphoria gets to me, but just remember that there are other guys that feel the same way you do, if you feel like you might do something, get on here and write, whether its just to vent or to help someone. writing is very theraputic i don't care what anyone says. Good luck man, you'll make it, we all will.

[Lee]

as i look at guys around me who are about my size, I realize they DO NOT have completely flat chests

I have to keep reminding myself of things like this.  A larger guy jogged past me today, and his moobs were bouncing all over the place.  It made me feel a bit better.

[Thatman]

lol yeah i see some that are bigger than me when i'm NOT binding. But it's still hard to remember that stuff when you're in the depths of dysphoria, it usually takes my fiance reminding me to make me see it.

[N.Chaos]

hey man, I know i'm just a newbie here but I'm glad you made it thru that. It sucks and I know how cliche it sounds but it does get better, i have to tell myself that all the time. Dysphoria is horrible, ecspecially when youre broke, but just to share some of my own experience with you, if you are a bit of a bigger guy like me, it kind of works in your favor when it comes to binding. I can get pretty fanatical if i'm not completely flat (i'm 5'7" and weigh 215, so i'm a big guy) but as i look at guys around me who are about my size, I realize they DO NOT have completely flat chests lol. When it comes to self harm, i've been there, done that, still struggle not to when dysphoria gets to me, but just remember that there are other guys that feel the same way you do, if you feel like you might do something, get on here and write, whether its just to vent or to help someone. writing is very theraputic i don't care what anyone says. Good luck man, you'll make it, we all will.

I tend to forget that more often than I should, especially since my biomale best friend could fit into an almost b-cup lmao.
I feel like a lot of us (myself obviously included) get stuck on one archetype of "male" and try so hard to embody it that everything that doesn't fit in it screams "wrong" to us, or something weird like that. I'm glad I crawled my ass out of it too, looking back on it I'm wondering if I didn't just need to break down and cry or something (I avoid crying by all means necessary, unhealthy as it is).