I have been in therapy for the past three months.
I have talked to my father, my therapist, and with my wife about these issues.
It hasn't helped at all. Talking did for a little bit, but, overall, it doesn't matter.
I am in a holding patter (thats what my therapist calls it)
I am very unhappy.
It's not going to get any better.
I can't transition because:
I have built obligations to others
I would get fired
I am very susceptable to others feelings and perceptions of me.
That would make transitioning, for me, very difficult.
I can't shrug comments off that people would make, they would cut me deeply.
I care what others think of me, I can't just say, if you don't like me, I don't care.
Not to mention the costs, and since I would be jobless, how would I pay for it?
That and I would be ugly.
I would fail, I am a realist and I think that is a pretty realistic view of my attempt to transition.
Suicide, I am told, is not an acecptable option. I have people that care about me and it would not be good for them.
I am miserable, I can't do anything about it, and I'm not allowed to suicide.
These are the conclusions my therapist and I came up with.
So, I am in a holding pattern.
This last Wednesday she said there really isn't anything more we can discuss, that we have been over pretty much everything and I agreed. She brought to light nothing new to my situation that I have not thought about since I was old enough to think. Although, admittedly, talking to her about these issues and verablizing them did help me. We just reached no new possible conclusions. So, she said to keep in touch and when I need to talk or I come out of my 'holding pattern' to call her.
This entire thing has me very confused. I mean, if I was really gender dysphoric wouldn't I be willing to give up everything and start transitioning tomorrow? I mean, I am very lucky in regards to the fact that my father and step mother care about me a great deal even though they know. I remember reading somebody's post that said, I would rather be an ugly girl at the beach than not be at the beach. And I thought, yeah, I can agree with that, as long as everyone at the beach just thought of me as a girl. That fact is, I don't think I would ever get to that point. And even if it was possible, I still have obligations to my wife. I made her a promise until death parts us. But, if I was really transgender wouldn't I drop everything and try and transition? Maybe I am just suicidal and crazy? I'm just not sure what I am doing, or where I am going?