I have been contemplating transition for a couple years now and haven't found myself ready. This has nothing todo with money (which of course would be an issue), it has mostly to do with fear of not passing, and the tormenting obstacle of 'self-hate.'
I am not sure if my self-hate has rooted from the gender dysphoria I have suffered since childhood, but I strongly feel that until I love myself enough... to not care if I pass as a woman or not post the start of a transition, I will not be ready for it.
But now.. I think I need to have some sort of transition that is not physical before I can move on with my life and be happy and start to like myself. I have to not only see the female behind the man body, but feel like a female even when a someone calls me sir. I am not wishing I was born a woman anymore(well I might take that back but..), I am realizing I have been a woman all along. First, I am a queer.
Identifying as gender-queer but truly being a non-transitioned transgender female has been a helpful move that has benefited my life in so many ways.
It has caused me to accept my gender identity as gender fluid, which completely distracts me from the obstacles of my male appearance, such as rough skin, or even the anxiety I get from my bone stucture, and general lack of hips..etc-And the social obstacles I deal with as non-transitioned.. But The feelings are not completely gone, i'd call this the gender-queer survival plan! I am transgender, but I can decide to feel queer in my transgender body. It doesn't take the feelings away, but creates new feelings. I see queerness as a path until transition feels like a healthy option and then still be queer. I have been recreating my body into a queer one which has entirely todo with the re-sculpting of my gender-dysphoria and the emotions toward my physical self. "I have looked back at my masculin body moments and transformed it into this gender-ambiguous scultpure of i'll say it, beauty...." I am trying to let go. Let go of my reflection.
For a long time I understood what being queer meant to me. It was an androgynous space that I decided to venture, but never practiced towards dealing with the psychology of my gender identity crisis. I feel that this method will help towards a smoother transition for myself, if that becomes my decision. I word it like this because queerness has been a new body that I am adjusting to and am learning to accept and love. When someone calls me sir, I no longer feel like I have been hooked in the mouth and forced to a surface. I can breathe, and hug my ambiguous gender whether or not i'm wearing the gender mask. I may look like a man but i'm kind of not. At all. If someone asks me if i'm gay (which people do alot), I can explain to them that I am not and feel comfortable doing that. Because while i'm defending my sexuality i'm also correcting them of their initial mistake. I'm not a sir, i'm a hir.
I am queering hope for my transgender soul.
I'm dancing on the gender spectrum, instead of sulking on it. Being gender queer is not a remedy for gender identity disorder. It just has been an alternative to a mutilating depression!
