Susan's Place Logo

News:

According to Google Analytics 25,259,719 users made visits accounting for 140,758,117 Pageviews since December 2006

Main Menu

Bad Jokes

Started by Cindy, March 13, 2011, 03:29:37 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

sigmafan

Quote from: Cindy James on September 28, 2012, 01:00:03 AM
I saw a crash between a red lorry and a yellow lorry. The police asked me who was responsible? I said it's difficult to say.

It's easy: Peter Lorry!
  •  

V M

What does a sphincter say?
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
  •  

Padma

Well, that's got a nice ring to it...
Womandrogyne™
  •  

Constance

It's okay for me to tell this joke, because I have a stutter.

Jimmy Joe Bob and his brother Doodah was out a-fishin one day, when a big ol' catfish dragged Doodah under, drowning him dead.

Jimmy Joe Bob ran home and shouted, "MMmmammmma, m-mama-aa!"

"Settle down son," his mama said. "Tell what's wrong."

"Doodoodoodoodoo's inininininin thethethe--"

"Slow down boy. Try again.

But it was no use. Jimmy Joe Bob was so worked up, he just couldn't speak clearly.

"Sing it, boy," his mama suggested. "You know you don't stutter when y'all sing."

Taking a deep breath, Jimmy Joe Bob sang, "Guess who drowned in the lake today, Doodah, Doodah..."

sigmafan

Ok, bad joke time.

I went to a suit maker looking for a brown suit.  There are many shades of brown from Mahogany to chocolate to various others in between.  So, I go up to the suitmaker and asked for a brown suit.  He said, "What shade of brown would you like?"  I then said that Coffee would be a good choice for a suit color.  He then tells me with the straightest face of all, "Cream or no Cream"
  •  






V M

Lawyer

Over paid troglodyte and master of B.S.
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
  •  

Kevin Peña

I'm female. Fe= Iron, male = man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
  •  

dalebert

Quote from: DianaP on September 29, 2012, 08:09:12 AM
I'm female. Fe= Iron, male = man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.

You inspired me to make this graphic.



Kevin Peña

Tree-houses are so inconsiderate. That's like killing someone's friend and making them hold it.  :laugh:

# of pets:
1 = Normal
4 = Desperate
32 = Crazy

# of teeth:
32 = Normal
4 = Desperate
1 = Crazy
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn't heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.

The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.

So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.

Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town's only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.

Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn't aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"




It is a little-known fact that before becoming a singer, Bing Crosby ran a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas. One of the boys who lived in the dorm was in the habit of taking off on Friday afternoons, going to Mexico, and getting drunk. But he kept his studies up during the week, and because his parents were wealthy and important trustees, the school took no action against him. However, one Friday afternoon he got together with a day student, and they both disappeared. The parents of the day student were concerned when their son didn't come home, so they called Bing Crosby to ask after him. Bing Crosby said, "Don't worry. Your son is soused with the boarder, down Mexico way."

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  


Cindy

Robert was drinking at a bar all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So he crawled all the way home, up into his bedroom, and finally pulled himself into bed. The next morning, his wife woke him up, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking as usual!"

     "Why would you say that?" he asked innocently.

     "Because the bar called—you left your wheelchair there again!"
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

"Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter- "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because he was too chicken.

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  

dalebert

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on October 02, 2012, 08:26:24 AM
Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."

You reminded me of one! You may only get this if you live in the North.