Bad Jokes

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Confuious say:

Man who loses key to girlfriend's apartment, get no new key.

[Cindy]

Wec shouldn't forget the Eskimo who wa so cold he set a little fire in his canoe. Sadly the canoe sank.

Again demonstrating that:

That you cannot have your kayak and heat it.

[Padma]

If your head resembles a Dutch cheese, do not rest it on the grocer's counter.

(...don't ask...)

[Jamie D]

Wec shouldn't forget the Eskimo who wa so cold he set a little fire in his canoe. Sadly the canoe sank.

Again demonstrating that:

That you cannot have your kayak and heat it.

Why, thank you Cindy. Not only was that a bad joke, it was poorly delivered too!

Two for the price of one! 

If your head resembles a Dutch cheese, do not rest it on the grocer's counter.

(...don't ask...)

Don't worry, I won't 

[justmeinoz]

Thanks.  I was feeling a little flat and I am now laughing like a loony.

Karen.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.


Why do b->-bleeped-<-ipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.


What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

[Constance]

I made 10 entries in a bad joke contest, hoping that I'd win and that at least 1 of my jokes would be mentioned as a finalist.

But, no pun in ten did.

[Kevin Peña]

Science--> 1. A guy beat up a lady on the street. In court, he said, "your honor, it wasn't assault, it was a molecular compound!"
2. A house is in the midst of being robbed, but a stranger in a suit comes in and captures all of the burglars. The family asks "Sir, what's your name?" He says, "Bond, Covalent Bond."
3. A biologist and a physicist go out on a date. There was no chemistry.
4. What do you call a scientist who adds water to acid instead of acid to water? Dead.
5. What does friction rob from England? The crown JOULES!
6. When an Englishman is on sea level, he's nought nauts deep.
7. What's the name of the most famous electrical detective? Sherlock Ohms.
8. What does a quantum physicist say when he wants to hit someone? "Let me atom!"

Worst pickup lines ever---> 1. I'll slime you so hard, you can be on Nickelodeon.
2. I think my allergies are acting up, because when I see you, my nether regions swell.
3. How much does your outfit cost? I'll need to know how much to pay you back when I rip it off.
4. I need to know your derivative to find the tangent to your curves.

[Constance]

More bad pick-up lines. 

1. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
2. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[Erica]

3. How much does your outfit cost? I'll need to know how much to pay you back when I rip it off.

Depending on the guy, this one might get a reaction out of me : )

[Kevin Peña]

My friends just told me a few more.

1. You want to see my hard drive? It's longer than 3 inches and it ain't floppy. (My friend used this on a girl in his computer science class. It worked. She said it was because he actually had the courage to use something so stupid.)
2. Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.
3. Those breasts look heavy, mind if I hold them for you?
4. I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

For Girls to Use on Guys
1. I'm like a tropical island: hot, wet, and begging for tourists.
2. Do you like pool? I've got the rack if you've got the balls.
3. I'm a hurricane, your a coconut tree. Hold onto your nuts while I blow you away.

[Alexis]

How do you catch a red elephant?
With a red elephant trap

How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap

How do you catch an orange elephant?
I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!

How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.

[Jamie D]

Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!

How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.

Oh my.  This must be a nightmare I am having.

The orange elephants confirm it.

[V M]

How do you know pink elephants have been in your yard?

You wake up on the lawn while the sprinklers are going with a righteous hangover then you step in something that vaguely resembles last night's dinner and your wife and the mother of your now adult children walks up to reaffirm that she is expecting again

[Alexis]

Why do elephants have red eyes?
So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?

[Cindy]

Oh my.  This must be a nightmare I am having.

The orange elephants confirm it.

You are just delusional.  No one could publish jokes as bad as these.

[justmeinoz]

Not a joke per se, but had me in stitches.

Female friend, in bed, woke up as her husband was having sex with her from behind.
"What are you doing!"
"You were snoring." 

[Jayne]

How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?

He paints his nutsack red, sits on a seed & wait for it to grow

What's the loudest noise in Africa?

A giraffe eating from a cherry tree