Bad Jokes

[Jamie D]

Does the lack of a funny bone run in the family?   

[Constance]

Does the lack of a funny bone run in the family?   

It's my legacy as a father. 

[Alexis]

What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves

[Jamie D]

STOP IT!!  JUST STOP IT!!   

[Cindy]

A funeral procession wove its way down the street, led by a man walking a lion. A line of 200 people walked slowly behind the coffin. A bystander asked the man, "What's going on?"

     "My lion ate a lawyer," replied the man, "and this is his funeral."

     "Hey," said the bystander, "can I borrow your lion? I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten."

     "Sorry," said the man, pointing to the 200 people behind him, "you'll have to go to the end of the line."

[Kevin Peña]

What do you get when you cross a shark with a puppy? Dead puppy.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?

An Elephino.

[dalebert]

An Elephino.

You're not supposed to say "an" before it.

[Padma]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody big holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich?
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

[Kevin Peña]

These jokes are eggcelent!

[dalebert]

A guy goes to Hell and the Devil is giving him a tour. He takes him to three doors and tells him he'll have to pick one of them to spend the rest of all eternity and that once he picks, he can never change.

He opens the first door. Inside is a vast room with concrete walls, floors, ceiling. There are columns all throughout and people are standing on their heads--some with their feet against the walls or columns. They're all grunting and red in the face looking completely miserable, of course.

"OMG. I don't think I could stand on my head forever! Let's see the other rooms."

The next room is just like the first except the floor is covered in thick shag carpet. Everyone is doing head-stands just like the first.

"That looks a little softer on the noggin' but I still don't think I could stand on my head forever."

The Devil opens the third door. Inside people are standing knee-deep in poop. Meanwhile, they're all chatting with each other and nibbling on a variety of donuts and sipping hot coffee. The guy immediately covers his mouth and nose with his hand and makes a grimace.

"Oh, it's smells just awful! I imagine you get used to it after a while though. Well it sure beats those other rooms. I guess if that's all my choices, I'll take this one. It is Hell, after all. I shouldn't expect a walk in the park."

"Exactly!" says the Devil. "Wise choice if you ask me. You're quite sure? You can't change your mind."

"I'm sure."

So the Devil shuts the door and the guy pushes his way through the poop over to a table and picks out a donut and pours himself some coffee. He's just about to bite into his donut when the Devil pokes his head in again and says "Coffee break over. Back on your heads!"

[Alexis]

That's not a bad joke! I really liked that one

[Alexis]

The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Australian in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk
of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this. "One little nod of your head, and all the Australians are joyous for months? Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

[Kevin Peña]

Alexis, I loved your joke. It was hilarious.

Here's one. A construction worker dies and is sent to hell. The devil tells him he is going to be put into eternal damnation. The worker says, "Alright, but can it wait? This balcony could use some work."

The devil tells him that he could fix up the balcony. He does such a good job with it that the devil lets him fix up the rest of hell. Eventually, hell becomes wonderful. However, an angel visited hell to let the devil know of the mix-up and that the worker belonged in heaven.

The devil says, "No way, we need him here. He's made hell wonderful."

The angel says, "Alright, if you're going to be difficult, get ready to be sued."

The devil says, "Oh yeah? Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[Your Humble Savant]

It's my legacy as a father. 

Sorry Jamie, it's true 

At the pearly gates, three men are standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter says, "I'm very sorry, but Heaven's a bit overcrowded today, and as such we can only permit one of you inside. Whoever died the worst death may be permitted into Heaven."

The first man says, "I suspected my wife had been cheating on me. I came home early, hoping to surprise her in the act. I went into the bedroom and she was frantically covering herself with blankets and looking guilty. I ran out to the balcony (we're on the thirteenth floor) and there's this guy hanging there by his fingertips. I stomped on his fingers till he fell, but his fall was broken by the bushes below. I was so angry I went and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on him. I was so pissed off that I had a heart attack and died."

The second man says, "I was watering my plants on the balcony of my fifteenth story apartment, when my foot got tangled in the hose and I fell over the edge. I managed to catch the bars of a balcony a few floors down, and thought Thank God! I'm still alive! Then some >-bleeped-< rushes out and stomps on my fingers till I fall again, but the bushes cushioned me and I thought Thank God! Again I'm saved! Then a fridge comes out of nowhere and crushes me to death."

The third man says, "Imagine being naked in a refrigerator."

[Jamie D]

"The horror... the horror... "

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

A man passed away and goes to heaven.  A giant Cat type angel stands at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven", says the cat-angel. 

The man enters thru the gates and see a great light.  "That must be God", he says.  "I need to find out why Saint Peter is a cat."

Approaching the throne, he see a great dog sitting on it.  "Oh My God!  You're a dog."

The great Dog looks at the man and says:  "How is it that you humans got my name backwards?"

[Jamie D]

Three elderly nuns passed away, and found themselves outside of the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter greeted them, saying, "Sisters, you have led virtuous lives.  You need only answer one simple Bible question to gain entrance to your eternal reward."

The three deceased nuns were very happy about that, as they knew the Bible by heart.

So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man created by God?"

The nun answers, "I'm sure was Adam," and the Pearly Gates flew open, the angels began to sing, and harps began to play.

So St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman created by God?"

The nun answered, "I believe it was Eve," and the Pearly Gates flew open, the angels began to sing, and harps began to play.

Then St. Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun, stumped, thinks for a moment, and then says, "Gee, that's a hard one," and the Pearly Gates flew open ...

[Padma]

A woman came up to the bar where I work, and I said to her "What can I get you?" - she replied "I'd like an innuendo, please." So I gave her one.