Just wanted to say hello

[cat]

Hi everyone,

I finally made it here after 39 years of denial. I always knew I was TG(mtf) but never could accept or admit it to myself.

A few weeks ago, when looking back on my life, and at how unhappy I was. This little voice pops in my head. It says:
'you know exactly what your life long depression comes from. You know why you've never reached your potential, why
all your relationships failed miserably, and why you'll never move forward and live a happy life.' And that is when the
mental alarm went off. I'm TG, I'm a lesbian. WTF!!! Why did I betray myself and pretend to be a man for so long? I never
Liked being a man, I look at other men and am usually disgusted by them. I wanted to be with the girls doing girlie things.
I am a girl.

Now it's been about a month since this realization. I cry almost everyday, holding it together long enough to get through
work. I've finally entered into psychotherapy with a doctor who specializes in gender issues. Started laser hair removal on
my neck and cheeks. I have started myself on aldactone, propecia, and climara (I am well aware of the dangers of self medicating), however, not starting HRT would've been more dangerous for me. My psychotherapist is also aware of this, and said she wouldn't ask me to stop. After a few more hour sessions she will refer me to an endocrinologist.

Now I should be feeling better about things, but I don't. I'm overwhelmed. I have no clue how to apply makeup, what kind
of makeup, how to put an outfit together, what size clothes am I? I'm working on my voice which I also don't see ever being passable.Basically Ive spent so long pretending to be male, I have no clue how to be myself (female). It really doesn't even seem like a successful transition is remotely possible.

I know there are 50,000 other stories in these forums alone, that are just as sad or sadder then mine and I am sorry to
add to the drama. I just need to get this out, even if it goes unread. Crying in isolation just gets old.

Also sorry this is such a bummer of an intro. 


xoxo,
cat

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Cat,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[justmeinoz]

It's a steep learning curve, but there is a lot of info here on the details. 
I tried to put myself into a mindset that I was butch lesbian trying to pass as a guy, when things got too bad.  That way if I felt that I wasn't being 'blokey' enough, it was a good thing.
Consciously watching  how men and women act can help distract you from how you are feeling at that moment too, as you can run through a scenario of how to act in the same situation.

[annette]

Hi Cat

Welcome to the forum honey.
Sure there are a lot of other stories, but this is yours and it will be read.
We never let a sister or a brother down and by joining us, you became a part of us.

I hope your therapist will send you to an endo soon, it's so much safer and we want you to have a long and prosper life as a woman.
Anyway, now you have friends worldwide to support you or to inform you, coz there are a lot of compassionate  people with great knowledge here.
Feel free to ask or to write your hope's and fears, I promiss you, it will be reading, so, make yourself at home.

Hugs
Annette

[Maegan]

Hello Cat 

Welcome to the forum. Your story sounds exactly like mine (And I suppose most of the other girls here too!)
Regarding the make-up, all it takes is practice, practice and some more practice. Look at photos of women in magazines to see how they do their make-up. Just remember not to overdo it. Less is more.
Also look at the type of clothing that women around your age wears. Try and dress your age, not like a young teenager. Regarding size, unfortunately the only way to make sure something fits is to try putting it on.

I am glad that you started seeing a therapist. That is a big step forward.

Remember, you have hundreds of sisters and brothers here who are more than happy to offer you any moral support you may need. All you have to do is ask!

If you are anything like me, you probably want everything to happen at once. (Voice, beard removal, soft skin and curves, breast growth etc.) This is unfortunately where you require patience, and lots of it. 

Baby steps! All in due time sweetie.

Big hug

Maegan