Self-Harm in the TG/TS/CD/IS community

[Thatman]

Just wanted to run a quick poll to see how many of my fellow transgender people have had problems with self-mutilation. Thank you in advance for your votes. I know that this is a problem that I myself have battled for years. I am trying to get some numbers on this because I want to get an idea of the percentage out there in order to show the need for awareness for the youth of our community.

[tekla]

The problem with any self-selective poll is that those who do are going to outnumber the replies of those who don't regardless of the reality.  So my guess is you're going to hear a lot of stories about SM, by people who do/have done it, and precious little from those who don't.

[Janet_Girl]

Everyday.  Some days are worst than others.  Especially when another girl goes in for SRS.

I know I always whine about, but this is the one thing that causes me the most pain.  I could care less about anything else.

[Shang]

I don't self-harm and never had the wish to do so.  I focus all of my negative-stuff into trying to do something positive, like playing with the dog or go for a walk.

[Heath]

I've definitely struggled with this before.  The last time I did it was October 2010.  I started T in January this year.  I'm hoping I never do it again because I end up feeling really stupid the next day for doing it.   

[Korlee]

I've had very strong desires and broken things around me on those anger, etc fits.  Along with the constant of staring at the flaws, desires, or just my wrists thinking about it.  However I am never taken the physical step in self harm.  My moods just tend to hurt good friends or those around me.  I suppose it is cowardice in taking it out on others and not being willing to keep it to myself.   My latest annoyance with it all on the fact even after SRS it will still be fake in a way I stayed in bed a week refusing to pretty much do anything.  Just a funk I got out of again.

I've actually stopped going to my support group because they are older peeps with careers that have had SRS or at the very least an education so options are there.  Plus just like here.. everyone leaves out the things you'd like to know.  When you ask about getting a job peeps just say -keep trying- or some other damn BS.  That is crap!  Details are everything and just trying doesn't get you ->-bleeped-<- or I'd have a damn job by now.  Optimistic as hell all of them on how the world views us now.  I think they live in a damn bubble because the world still seems pretty hostile to me.

[SnailPace]

I did in high school but I didn't know why... now I do.

[Nathan.]

I picked "In the Past, but not since beginning transition" as thats pretty much true i've had a few slip ups but probably less then 5 since I came out. I've started cutting when I was 14 but self harmed before then, when I was angry or upset i'd punch myself or a wall but that was kinda rare and I didn't think anything of it at the time.

[Thatman]

I really appreciate everyone answering the polls and sharing your thoughts, feelings and stories. I myself have struggled for about the last 15 years with self-harm, basically the same as most of you. A lot of hitting walls etc., and I cut for many years starting at about 13, I can say that I haven't cut in over a year now, (i started my transition and T 9 months ago). But I have struggled still with the thoughts about it, usually when my dysphoria really kicks in. And like someone else had stated the feeling that even after SRS I will somehow still be fake. It wasn't until I really started getting into the state of mind that I was ready to transition that I could coincide my self-harm with being transgender and denying myself for so long. I want to reach out to the youth in our communities and try to help them. Unfortunately self-harm often goes hand in hand with suicide attempts and even in a lot of cases self-harm has unintended fatal consequences. I know that I have been blessed, intervention always reached me just in time. But some of our brothers and sisters out there haven't been so lucky, and may not be in the future. Thank you again for all of your support and sharing.

[atheris]

Several times I've made sincere efforts to end my life. Now, I'm fully transitioned and post-op, but so many difficulties over so many years do not just disappear overnight. Many problems remain unresolved, and substance abuse continues to be a serious problem.

I know help is available for substance abuse. I'm just not interested.

[JessicaR]

 I had to pick "thought about but never acted"

  I did try to castrate myself once but it I can't say that I really wanted to harm myself... just "correct" things.  I was desperate because I thought I would never be able to have GRS.

   I fought with suicide, however, from age 14 to quite recently. I came frighteningly close three times but never actually tried.

[N.Chaos]

Picked the fourth option. It's been a while since I've tried to actively off myself, but the thought has crossed my mind on and off over the past year.
I've done some incredibly stupid ->-bleeped-<- in my life, though, and it'd take up entirely too much space to put it all down.

[Dominick_81]

I started cutting myself when I was about 16... I'm 29. I still struggle with the urges all the time. I try to ignore the urges, but each time I ignore it and something else happens and so on, I come to the point where I break down and have to cut to make what I'm feeling inside go away, whether it be pain, anger or whatever. I try all the time not to cut. But I do have my slip ups.

[Lee]

I started cutting early in college and continued for a few years.  It took a few tries, but I finally stopped that about three years ago.  I still feel the urge to do it on occasion, but the more steps I take towards transitioning and the more male I look to myself, the less often this happens.  As Snail put it, I had no idea why I felt that way until recently. 

[Troy]

A couple of years ago I would self harm quite a bit. Don't know if it's becuase of transgender issues or my biolar. But I noticed that since I've started transitioning, when people call me Troy I'm happy. My posture gets a little straighter and I feel prideful. I actually like myself.

Troy

[Yakshini]

I've been suffering from self harm for a very long time. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in high school, and during my junior year of high school I dealt with the longest, most severe depressive episode of my life. Coincidentally, this episode was right before my coming out as trans, but the episode was not because of my being trans.
I would cut and burn myself on a daily basis to such a degree that most of you probably wouldn't believe the number of cuts I made. On a different support message board I explained how often I hurt myself and was met by such disbelief that I was attacked by other self-harmers for "lying".
When I started having sex, it became impossible for me to hide any injuries I made and was forced to quit. Even since coming out, I have had a few breakdowns that resulted in me cutting myself again but these are few and far between.
I have also suffered from Dermatillomania since I was ten. That means I compulsively pick at my skin, which could be considered self harm. I will search for any blemish on my body, whether it be a freckle or a pimple (particularly my face), and pick and tear at my skin until I am left with sores all over my body. I have probably permanently disfigured my face because of this.

[BrandonJames]

I havent acted out but my thoughts are another thing altogether. it was real bad middle school through high school until i moved out of my moms house. it was so bad that I was hospitalized for 72 hours.

what happened was i refused to sign a paper from my doctor saying that I wouldnt: harm myself or others, or think of harming myself..... I think i staired at the doctor for 2 min after he read that off to me. told him that I would sign that I wouldnt hurt others. but couldnt sign that I wouldnt  think of hurting myself....my mom was sitting next to me she thought I was just being a drama teen. after I was admited she went around telling everyone that I was suicidle and that I had been hospitalized for it. Alex came down to see me and cried and cried while i explained what happened. my mom is evil and trouble.

[Donnie B.]

During last year, when my severe depression flared up again (it's been going on off and on for my entire life), I started self-harming, and have only in the past year been able to cut back slightly on it using excuses like how I don't want to explain to my mother why I have 20+ scars on my upper arms (I already have one-two scars right now).

I also have suicidal thoughts pretty frequently sometimes, which I've been too scared to tell others and get help because it's been made clear to me that any sign of that = long-term hospitalization, which is one of my strongest fears since hospitals, if I stay there for a long time, are worse-than-death horrific for me.

Edit: Actually, since I was such enough of a weirdo as to not check over my facts, I am actually getting help now for my severe depression, which rocks. Hooray for my no-sleep brain for getting stuff wrong! That, and I haven't had suicidal thoughts for about two months now thanks to that help.

[Jeh]

I've been hospitalized for depression and suicidality. I have bipolar disorder, and when I was first diagnosed it wasn't under control and I was close to suicide a few times. It's been more than a year since any of that has bothered me though.

A few years ago I had a problem with cutting my stomach and thighs, but it's been years since I've cut and I really think I won't ever do it again. I don't want the scars.

[Liam K]

As a child, I used to hit my head against walls.  I'm not sure that that had anything to do with gender issues, though.  But as a teenager, I was definitely engaged in some amount of self-harm.  I always had to be careful not to leave marks, though, because I was a swimmer and so there was very little of my body that I could hide.  I used to bite myself, methodically pull out large patches of body hairs, pick at my skin, and carve small, deep marks into my skin.  Once I stopped swimming, I could stop being so careful, and I did engage in some more serious cutting at that point.  I had pretty much stopped once I started social transition, but about six or seven months ago I went through a really rough patch relating to physical transition and having to stop hormones for a couple of months, and started cutting again.  I've stopped again, though, and have not had any strong desires to start again, which is good.