Well this is what I wrote, a slight essay, but she is a patient women and will be thoughtful before she responds.
Mum,
This is the hardest letter I will ever have to write. To put is simply I have lived a lie for 25 years. I have tried, to be what was given but I can't live anymore. After my break up in Feb. I nearly committed suicide; I drank outrageous amounts every night ( bottles of vodka) I was weighing how and what I could do, and this wasn't going to be a call for help, like Phill, this would be clinical and extremely well planned. Jo was the last anchor to the lie I was living, when she was cleared from my life the recurring problem hit me like a tsunami. I can't deny what has plagued me my whole life. I promised myself one thing, to give life one last chance. I will always love all of you, more then I have ever been able to show, but one thing is the truth, and for me it is the absolute truth of my personality, and for want of a better word, my soul. I am transsexual, nothing but, I should have been born a girl.
My brain has been fighting over the reality of my body since I was 4. I think it was 4, I remember crying in front of a mirror after I wasn't allowed to play with the girls, as I was a "boy". It was the most painful and hurtful thing I have from my childhood, and it didn't stop. It grew. IT manifested itself into elaborate lies and constructs that limited how I could behave; it destroyed the very soul of me. I found everything that made me happy was conceived of a lie, that the happiness I sometimes found was itself a lie. I can't hold onto that anymore. I'm presenting a shell of a person that I am inside, I can't react correctly to anything, I've created a monster that isn't me. I want to be the caring sensitive person who I was when I was a child, when I was free, when the girl was still allowed out in some sense. I remember hugging you and feeling and showing you the love that I wanted, and then I was told it wasn't the correct behaviour for a boy and I had to stop. It was heart breaking. My life has been an elaborate construct, it has caused a emotionally stunted person who can't relate to people, as I can't be with the people who I really relate with internally, and am forced to be with those who I can't, and I despair at their behaviour, and how I'm expected to follow.
My life hangs in a balance of probabilities now, the first is that if will ever be able to pass successfully as a women, the second is that I can recover my life from the pit of hell I have been forced into. Either way, I am only partially reprieved from my own death sentence, and I am extremely sceptical that it will work. I do hope it will, I do more than anything. My favourite film of all time says that "hope is a good thing perhaps the best of things", I think it is why the story reverberates in my mind. I'm hoping now, like I have for every wish and shooting star I have ever seen, I wish that I can find some way to make this life manageable.
Now the facts. I have seen a specialist councillor; I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). I have had limited exposure to weak feminising hormones that I bought, and from Friday onwards I'm been prescribed HRT. The exposure has removed a lot of my depression, in fact you may have noticed the point when I started, my personality calmed and I became what seemed positive and happy? The fact remains that everything for me relies on the effect of these. The news is that I seem to be very sensitive to them, at least at this stage; I'm hoping the prescription strength may be even better. However, there is never that guarantee. I don't know how far this will lead, but the possibility of a full gender reassignment may happen. However, if there is no chance I will ever pass this won't happen. At that point I'm very frightened at what may happen. I hope I doesn't come to that point. I have been told that my face already passes without the facial hair and longer scalp hair, by the people I met at the clinic, so there is hope; I believe them as I have checked numerous times and it's true with even a small amount of makeup, the problem comes from the muscle mass I have, and that will diminish, as may some height and maybe even shoe sizes, I again hope.
I have never wanted to cause pain to any of you, but the pain inside is now too great to control. I am now at the mercy of my body, and it has betrayed me my whole life, I hope there is some redemption for me. I hope you will understand your child in pain and except that I am unable to live a lie anymore. I hope you will forgive me and still love me. I will be waiting patiently and extremely nervously, after you have read this. Please come and ask me to talk when you are ready.
xxx
Oh damn she has just woke up, time to print and hope!
