Am i transsexual? (MtF)

[Sanli]

(massive stone left my chest when i typed this since i know everyone here isn't some ass who would laugh at me or call me a freak)

Hi, I have bad english so please don't be harsh on me.

Im gonna try to explain why i think im transsexual.

1.A year ago i thought for a week about the possibility that i am a girl on the inside then it just popped out of my mind untill a week ago and now i can't let go of the idea.
Im constantly depressed because i dont know what i am,i have been raised as a boy for my entire lifetime and now when i get these weird feelings like,I start to like boys more and more,i like horses,pink and hearts wich is kind of a stereotype i guess but it's not exactly boy stuff.I also like long hair (have short right now ) but i dont wanna say anything to my mom or brother since im scared of them finding out and their reaction to it like.Will they help me? Will they disown me?

2.About that i like boys more and more i dont understand it before i would almost throw up at the idea of me having a bf but now it grows on me and attaches to me.

3.I feel more comfortable around girls than boys since they are usually more calm than boys who makes alot of jokes and stuff and im a very shy person i have no social life and the recent depression doesn't help at all.

4.I know all about this with pills and sex change im willing to do it since i wanna live in a womans body really badly.I dont know why but i imagine i would be happier and it would feel right.

5.I hate my junk it started a week ago also and when i think about im disgusted almost i dont like having a piece of ugly meat sticking out on me thank you very much.

6.I would like to feel pretty for once in my life im quite ugly as a boy IMO and i have pimples also wich makes me very sad.

7.I would like to have a womans body,grow up and get a accepting husband (telling him and him staying with me)

8.I like the looks of girl clothes and i would like to have that on me in the house but not public since im very shy.

I probaly forgott some things but i have had suicidal thoughts latley because of my mixed feelings with this that ive been a boy for my entire life but now i wanna be a girl and it would feel right.
Sorry for bad english im almost crying while im typing this.

And i wanna talk to a gender therapist but i dont live in america so i probaly haft to have my mom to help me find one and go to one.But then she would figure out.

Also if you think i am transsexual please tell me some tips on how to be more girly around the house but not obvious stuff so they will go

Ok he's transsexual.

But more like some not so obvious stuff so they will only suspect and im a very shy person so casual stuff ok?

If i dont tell my family before im 18 im probaly gonna kill myself from depression so please help me.

And one more thing i really doubt it is a phase since i dont feel so curious about it more that it would feel right.

And (last one ok? ) How do i tell them after a time of being a little girly? and i dont know alot about being girly since i have been a boy for so long.

[quinn]

Hi Sanli,

First, keep in mind that just because you are attracted to boys does not necessarily mean you're transsexual. You could be gay, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Nobody can tell you if you are transsexual or not, it's something you have to decide for yourself. It sounds like you identify as a transsexual, from what you've said. Figuring out your gender identity can be difficult at first, because, as you said, you've been raised as a boy your whole life so you're used to acting like a boy. Also, if you are transsexual (like I said, that's up for you to decide, not me or anyone else), you need to accept yourself as that, which can take time.

My advice to you is to be yourself as much as you can. Don't act a certain way just because it's the stereotypical way for boys or girls to act; just be who you are. If you're afraid that acting a certain way will make it obvious that you're transsexual, then try to find a compromise where you'll be comfortable with yourself but it won't be obvious. For example, you said you like having your hair long, so instead of letting your mom cut it really short, tell her you like it a bit shaggy (maybe say it's the "cool" style at school if she asks why), and she'll probably let you keep it longer without questioning it.

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with suicidal thoughts. I've had those in the past, too, so just know that you can get through it and that you're stronger than that. You don't need to die, you need to be strong, you need to look to the future with hope. It may seem a long way off, but eventually you will be able to live however you like, you will be able to be who you truly are. If the suicidal thoughts get to the point where you don't know if you can handle it, talk to someone you trust about it. You don't have to tell them why you're having those thoughts, just tell them what's going on with you and ask for help.

I hope this has helped. Good luck with everything!

[MarinaM]

Yeah, this is probably hard to hear, but being Transsexual is mostly a self diagnosis. Sounds like it's time for some soul searching

[Sanli]

Thanks for the answer just some things.

I would also like to shave my legs and arms maybe so it looks better but how? Without them noticing
I would like to have some kind of finger paint but How again?

And i dont know what stuff i would like doing except those 3 since i dont know about anything else almost >.< so some tips on what there is to do would be great

I wanna act more girly so the answer comes to them and they dont take it so hard when i tell them.

[Sanli]

And im not very good at looking into myself and finding things about myself.

I have all these feelings so hard for me to do that it's like a storm inside me trying to find out if i am or not.

[MarinaM]

The only thing you can do is try  Even in guy mode I use metallic nail polish and wear far too much purple.

Just start doing it, and try not to let others mold you into something you don't identify as. If you get some heat, oh well. Much of your anxiety seems to come from limited gender expression and confusion due to a developing sexuality. There are people who have identified as transsexual and transitioned because of far less.

Just don't end up trading one set of boundaries for another, you have to go with your gut on this one.

[Sanli]

Ok thanks for answers

So some light color nail polish? and how do i shave my legs and arms?

[MarinaM]

Clear polish if you're timid, and shaving requires a razor 

When I started doing it, I took my arm hair down to "1" and used the same setting to trim my legs, and then went over them again with the regular razor. You don't want a furball clogging up your drains, or they'll look at you funny AND have you unclogging the shower!

[Padma]

You could cheat and go "emo" or "goth" - then your family would see it as a teenager statement rather than a gender one, and you'd get to have androgynous clothes and hair, and makeup, and nail polish, and pretend it's just a fashion until you're ready not to pretend any more.
This is a serious suggestion, I don't know how big this scene is in your country but it might also mean you get to hang out with boys and girls who feel more like you do as well.

[MarinaM]

Also if you think i am transsexual please tell me some tips on how to be more girly around the house but not obvious stuff so they will go

Ok he's transsexual.

I laughed when I read this! Don't worry, it will never, ever happen. You have to tell people nowadays.

[justmeinoz]

Hi Sanli, if you are into cycling or swimming, shaving is normal.  Even if you don't  actually do it to any great degree, parents are always telling their kids to stop sitting around and get some exercise.
I was going to suggest styling after a favourite singer before I read  Yoxi's suggestion to try goth or emo.  Should work ok, unless your folks object to that too!

[Padma]

One thing: if you're going for emo, razorblades are strictly for shaving only, okay? There's enough suffering involved in life without choosing to add more for ourselves. Think of this as your path to becoming happier, and don't get caught up in any fashionable misery - who needs it?

[Caith]

Have you pierced your ears, yet?  Start with gold studs.  A few weeks later, after they are healed, change to hoops.

[Christine Snider]

When I first started actually dealing with my GID. I pierced my ears, I paint my nails in guy mode (I use Black and Purple, which is not uncommon among modern alternative guys), I grew my hair out, Shaved my legs and arm pits. You could try doing all of those. I was teased a bit by the men in my girlfriends family and got a few odd looks on occasion but you can deal with that. You could also try dressing more androgynous as well. Wear more colorful clothing. Let your girl side show through in your guy style.   

Oh one last thing, be confident. People will respect your personal preferences as long as you stick with them and show that it's your decision regardless of what they may think.

[valyn_faer]

What country do you live in? Any advice we can offer somewhat depends on what country you live in. People in the west often tend to assume that all cultures are exactly like their own, and that all trans people in the world are exactly like trans people in the west. This is not the case. For example, some of the Hijra in India actually view themselves as a subgroup of a larger transgender community. Others view transgender people in general as a subgroup of "men who have sex with men." Western identities are not universal and there is growing scholarship on this in the emerging field of queer studies. In fact, this is one of the issues being examined with regard to global LGBT activism: how do you create global activism without simply exporting and imposing western identities onto other cultures? But I digress.

As justmeinoz pointed out, taking up swimming is a good excuse for shaving your body. Youtube also has many videos on how to apply nail polish, etc. You could always try to move your clothing style into a more "metrosexual" style that is more androgynous/slightly more feminine, and then just keep slowly moving toward the feminine spectrum. You could start listening to J-Pop music and start modeling your appearance off some of those musicians. Many of them wear nail polish, makeup, and more effeminate clothing. You could use that to then slowly move toward the feminine spectrum. This might be more feasible than emulating goth or emo styles if you're Asian and live closer to Japan. If you ease into it, it may be less of a shock for your family. Then again, like I said, it depends on what country you live in, the cultural norms and values, the amount of religiosity, homophobia, transphobia, and various other variables. What may work for someone living in the U.S. or the U.K. may not work so well for someone in another country. In fact, even in the U.S. it depends on what part of the country you live in. Keep this in mind.