Lots of changes

[Randi]

For a while I have been posting in the Non-Op section as I have no forseeable means to have SRS, FFS or Laser or Electrolysis or ....  (I do have some funds available but I would loose alot by bothering them). Now I see myself as a girl who will  take a long time to transition. Yeah, I think that makes sense. Anyway, I am trying to take on a new viewpoint regarding my progress-or the sporadic progress I have made.
My mother has been 'inquisitive' lately and looks at my chest alot when we talk so I know she is curious. But she is a Lady and will probably wait for me to speak to her (she's very polite and easy to talk to). I look & act like her, and like the same things as her including clothes. Today she and my aunt engaged me in a conversation about pants, shirts, and of all things purses. They were surprised to find out that I have a couple. I use one as a gig bag for my guitar rig (wires, tuner, picks, tool kit, solder kit, backup wires...) I didn't tell them that-and I love it. We had a lot of fun and it was all just girltalk. Surely after all these years she can tell I am more feminine than masculine I am out to my baby sister already so maybe she spilled the beans but nobody has said anything-yet.
The other day I was talking with my wife and out of the blue she said in response to a question "you are the silliest girl I have ever met". I don't know if she meant it to have the effect on me that it did but I was in heaven there for a few minutes.
I ordered myself a cordless epilator-we will see if I have the same reaction as some I have seen on Youtube! I don't think I will have any problems as it's no problem for me to tweeze for an hour or so and I can pluck my groin clean in a few minutes if I get motivated-without the pain killers. I don't like the pain I can just tolerate alot of it.
I have stopped hiding my bras and tops. They are mine and I wear them daily. They now reside in my panty drawer-that my wife has kept clean for several years now-she is a dear even though she can throw a healthy tantrum when she's angry. Perhaps she is thru the grieving stage she was in last year and is looking for what is real-I hope so as she will surely find it. That is a speculative thought of mine but it does sound good. I want us to stay together as a family but am ready for whatever is next if we can't-well, psychologically I am but financially-not so much.
I do have some holdings that I can liquidate if I really had to but I am not in a hurry to bother that. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot just because I could use some quick money. I have some retirement funds I can take hardship withdrawals on but again-not in a hurry to loose the percentage to Uncle Sam and the fabulous IRS singers. These are for emergencies-home, health, not for things I don't have to have today-I guess I can save for those.

I have been in such a dark place lately that I have to seek a new way to think and do. I have lived so much time for others wants/needs that I lost view of mine. What really sent me over this last time was getting my feelings stomped on several days in a row and discussions about divorce again-yes we still have those but the severity has diminished somewhat. I have an answer for her when she uses this approach-I just detach from the discussion and she can talk on if she wants to. Things between us have improved since I started doing this.

Sorry for the long post but today I just have alot to say and I have much to be thankful for.

Randi

[LifeInNeon]

There's certainly a lot there, that's for sure. First, glad to hear you are making progress emotionally, even if it feels like the rest is stuck in a holding pattern for the moment.

I have no idea what your situation is outside of this post. Are you in a position to change careers to something with better pay/benefits if the opportunity was there? Have you looked at job sites or updated the resume?

It's amazing how much perspective you gain when you have a goal that's bigger than "hold on to what I have", isn't it?

[iris1469]

You have a good head on your shoulders, and from what i can tell your mom knows, moms always know. I dont know you, but i think you are in a great position to do something really good for yourself. You know, i believe that there is LOT of support there for you, but you need to talk to your mom. She's just waiting for you to tell her, she knows! You can do this! And i guarentee that once you decide to embrace yourself, others will also......good luck to you

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Randi

I always look out for your posts as i feel there are some similarities in our situations.

It is really pleasing the see a much more positive slant on your outlook then i have seen recently.  A slow transition is better then no transition at all

Great comment from your wife, always feels good doesn't it, no matter the context.  And the situation with your mum looks promising as well...you have that one over me as i am all but estranged from my mother.

All the best being true to yourself

Hugs
Shelly x

[justmeinoz]

Hi Randi, I think Kitty is right, Mum's know when something is going on. She is probably waiting for you to make the first move.
Like a lot of things transition seems to set it's own pace.  I am wiating to start HRT next month, and will wait to see the results before I comeout to more friends and workmates. I have settled on a permanent name so that is another stage passed.

All the best, Karen (Sandra sounded boring)

[Caith]

A slow transition is better then no transition at all

Absolutely correct!!

[Randi]

Thanks for the responses girls. I took a long time to get to the point where I can look for what I need, and now that I am there I feel much better about where I am and what I am doing. I may as well be getting ready to begin documentation again. Now I need to find a new therapist and begin dialogue with them. I think I will also go ahead and get a new primary care doctor while I am at it.  Hopefully I can find a doctor who cares about me and what I need.

Randi

[Caith]

Randi, if you're fortunate enough to get a really good therapist, they should be able to help you select both a primary care doctor and eventually an endocrinologist as well.

[Randi]

I had one I connected with and she helped me immensely but she went somewhere else so now I am looking again. She was a sweetheart unlike the Dr whose office she was practicing in-he is a pain and I can't in good faith let him touch me again. He does have a nurse Practitioner who I like and she sees me usually. I havent said anything to her directly but she knows-it was her who first told me my hormone levels were in the female range  Its because of her that I haven't moved my health care providers. I alaready have a rapport with a good endocrinologist near here that I can go to - and he is already aware of any health issues I may have (besides gid) which to me is worth alot.

Today I am feeling much more confident and peacful.
Randi

[Caith]

He does have a nurse Practitioner who I like and she sees me usually. I haven't said anything to her directly but she knows-it was her who first told me my hormone levels were in the female range  Its because of her that I haven't moved my health care providers. I already have a rapport with a good endocrinologist near here that I can go to - and he is already aware of any health issues I may have (besides gid) which to me is worth a lot.

Today I am feeling much more confident and peaceful.
Randi

It's really good to hear that, Randi.   
I wish you continued good fortune and success.