greetings, and uncertainty

[Ian]

Hello. I'm new around here, obviously. I've lurked for a bit, and this seems to be a good place, so now I'm here. Mainly, I wanted some advice or something, I guess.

I think I might be FtM, but I'm not sure. I'm female bodied, and somewhat androgynous mentally, but I feel that I'm much more male than female. I'm not sure that I really feel that I'm a man, though. I read about some other FtMs, and they often seem to have stories of being convinced from a young age that they were boys. I didn't really feel that way. I thought of myself as a girl, though I hated the changes I went through at puberty and stuff. I wasn't very boyish, though I also wasn't very girlish. I don't know.

If I could go back and choose what I was born as, I'd choose to have been born as a boy. Alternately, if there was an easy and cheap way for me to change from female to male, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I'm not sure if I feel enough dissatisfied in this body to go though the expense and inconvenience of transitioning. I hate having breasts, I hate what estrogen does to my body, but... I don't always feel that out of place in my body. I'm really confused. And I'm scared to tell my family about this in case I end up changing my mind and remaining a girl, thus causing them distress for nothing. Ugh. I have no idea.

So. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for here. Advice? Words of encouragement? Just someone who will not act like I'm abnormal or freakish? I guess. Well, anyway... hi.

[Steph]

Hello Ian, Welcome to Susan's.

It's good that you've taken the plunge and decided to join in the forums.  As you have lurked here for a while you probably know your way around so I would just like to remind you about the importance of the Terms of Service, so please take the time to read them if you haven't already.

Sorting out who, what and why we are is probably one of the most difficult issues that we all have faced or are facing, as unless we can determine that, then we can't hope to go forward.  Personally I believe that therapy is a must, and although many think that they don't need it, I feel it's a small price to pay and it is required by the Standards of Care (SOC) should it be determined that you are TS.

Rest assured that you will get lots of advice, help, words of encouragement, and fellowship here at Susan's as that's what we do best.  So relax enjoy your stay and don't worry you're not abnormal or freakish, everyone else is

Take care and I'm sure that we'll chat later.

Steph.

[LostInTime]

Welcome Ian.

The journey of the self is the hardest but also the most rewarding.  I also believe that therapy is a must, especially with someone with a lot of experience with the gender spectrum.

A friend of mine is a lesbian who dislikes having breasts but she still IDs as female and has no desire to transition to male.  She just really hates that extra frontal tissue.  She also dresses in a male fashion and keeps her hair very short.  She is attractive but I always think of handsome rather than pretty.

Another person I met identified as bi-gendered and just kind of mixed it up as she went along.  Causes some confusion with others, which can be entertaining.

Again, welcome to Susan's. 

[Dennis]

Welcome Ian. No need to decide what you are or what makes you happy quite yet. But Steph is right, therapy can help you with that if you need. In the meantime, we don't ask you to identify as a category and nobody will give you a hard time if you do and then change your mind.

Dennis

[Ian]

Hello, and thanks to all. I guess I should have therapy, though I'm wary of it; I've had non-optimal experiences with therapy (for non-gender-related issues) in the past. Also, I probably can't afford it without my parents' help, but I don't know how to tell them. I don't think that they would disown me or anything, but I also don't think that they would really understand. My dad especially would probably insist that I'm mistaken, that I'm probably just going through some sort of weird phase. (That argument is made worse by the fact that I'm not sure that I'm not going through a phase. I've convinced myself of strange enough things in the past...) But yeah. I just want to do something about all of this, as I feel kind of stuck at the moment. Ugh. And I'm so sick of everyone thinking of me as a girl. It's very bothersome. Ah well.

By the way, now that I am actually awake, maybe I can explain myself better. I definitely think of myself as not-female, but only sometimes think of myself as male. That probably makes me some sort of androgyne. At the same time, I'd like to do something in the way of becoming physically more male, because (a) I hate my breasts and I hate estrogen and (b) as long as most people are going to think of me as male or female, I'd rather they think of me as male. I feel like what I have to decide is whether it's worth the expense and having to explain it to people who know me and so on, given that I don't feel quite the urgency of someone who is definitely a man with a female body.

[tinkerbell]

Hi Ian and welcome indeed!

I am glad you decided to join us.  I'm sure you will find plenty of support here, so just relax, grab a chair, listen to the discussions, and particpate.  I hope you enjoy your stay here at Susan's.

tinkerbell

[Jillieann Rose]

Hello Ian,
Glad you have joined and it's pleased to meet you.
Take your time, don't be in a rush to figure eventhing out. Yes you do sound androgyne, but it could be that you are a ftm too. Or...... No one can tell you what you are you will have to figure out your self.
Yes Steph is right therapy is needed and should be one of your first steps. You can also experiment with wear male cloths, jewelery and hairstyles to name a few things to see how it make you feel.
Welcome to Susan's.
Jillieann

[PurpleMaze]

Hey Ian
I'm new here myself, still in the process of looking around and all.  I agree with Jillieann, noone can tell you who you are except yourself, because only you have the power to correctly define yourself, the only choice anyone else has is to accept your definition or not.  Also, take your time when trying to figure out who you are, remember that most people take years, or even decades, before they find out who they truly are.  Anyway, I hope that, whatever you find yourself to be, you have friends and family who will support your decisions, whatever they are.
Raye