For whose benefit?

[Padma]

I'm finding myself telling a few close friends what's going through my mind (and what my body seems to be telling me, which is basically a clearer and clearer refrain of "come on, it's high time you had a vagina"), and I say:
1) it's a definite possibility that this may go all the way through HRT and GRS
2) of course I'm giving myself time and space to feel out what the significance of all this is

...the thing is, on the one hand it feels to me more and more like this has been working itself out for at least 25 years (that was the first time I felt it consciously, but there were signs way before that, if I choose to read my memories that way); and on the other hand is all the doubt. And some of that's mine, and reasonable - from a certain perspective this all seems sudden and new, even though from another it seems to have been quietly growing forever, and the only sudden thing about it is the opening of the flower of awareness.

The problem I'm having, if it is a problem, is that I have my own sense of caution about this, but I also have a strong desire to just get on with it right now. And I'm not sure what's behind the urgency, but I do know that behind some of the caution is my friends' cautious responses to all this - and that at least part of my desire to take things slowly is because that's what everyone else seems to want me to do.

Just flailing out loud here - I'm going to start seeing a therapist in Exeter who has experience working with gender reassignment, and I'm partly seeing her to speed this up, and partly because I don't somehow trust my own feelings, and need to bounce them off an "expert" for either reassurance or validation or both! It sort of feels like I'm being cautious because that's what everyone expects of me - but the eager part of me is doing it out of a sneaky plan to give people more time to adjust so they'll be more supportive . Blimey, it's all going on tonight!

So... does any of this sound familiar to you?

[MarinaM]

So... does any of this sound familiar to you?

All of it  Do it for your benefit.

A street preacher type once called me selfish: I asked them why they were such a devout (insert religion left un-named), and they said "Because it's the only way to salvation." I said, "Well, there you go doing something for yourself." 

They asked, "What about your wife and kid? Don't they deserve a father and husband?" I said "They deserve a happy person who is capable of being loved and returning that love."

They asked, "What about your soul?" I said, "It was saved a long time ago." And walked away.

I have the most fun conversations. Go about it cautiously, by all means. Take your time if it will help spare the relationships you value.

[Padma]

I think the thing that most scares me is actually doing something I want for myself that no-one else has influenced me into. I've gone along with a lot of things during my life, to try and "fit in", and this feels very different. And at the same time, I can tell I've been preparing the ground for this, getting set up to live on my own in a new town. Like I need somewhere safe to pupate .

I'm afraid of losing friends - and at the same time, my intuition is confident in my friends and my brother.

It's going to be okay - I just want to do this, but I have the time to get more sure about why, first (and to get some serious beard-removal on the go, regardless of what else happens!)

[LifeInNeon]

I am right there with you on that. There is a whole ugly knot of doubt that I dont want to bother untying, just cut it. It's a lot of doubt about how long, how fast, how effective, and what the result will be.

But then on the other hand I know exactly what the result will be if I don't at least try. And whether or not I am satisfied with the result of transitioning, I know I don't want what I will have.

My concerns are all about practicalities, not goals. I don't doubt my goals, so the rest are just problems to be solved.

As far as the fear of the selfishness, chances are if you are conflicted about this, you will still be just as considerate after, and a fair bit more satisfied with yourself. Come on. Everyone has the right to take care of themselves when they need to. You can't be much help to others if you're the one who needs help because you're living a half-life of doubt and lack of motivation.

[MarinaM]

I know exactly where you're coming from. This is the most real and amazing thing I have ever done for  myself. My life has been all about sacrifice and support, not that I have the inclination to become a self centered diva, but I felt as though there was nothing at all left of me until now.

[Padma]

Aye - a lot about the last 5 years has been about gradually realising how much I've been conditioned to think I'm only worth as much as I give to others, and slowly undo that and become more something that from my old perspective looks terminally selfish, but from my newer one just looks authentic. There's a lot of scary and beautiful freedom in that!

A cyberfriend of mine in New Mexico's response to me telling him what's going on was "there's nothing wrong with you - you're fine just as you are, nothing needs to change" - and I got pretty shirty with him about this. I wrote "you're missing the point - this isn't about me deciding whether I 'need to change', change is happening, right now. This is about how I respond to it. It's happening right now."

[MarinaM]

Isn't it funny how things like just be yourself, nothing needs to change, and you're amazing the way you are become anathema? Your core is what they see, they just don't like to associate it with a different (more accurate) appearance.

[annette]

Hi Yoxi

When you do something like transition you have to do it for yourself.
Despite what everybody tells you, it's your life, do with it what ever you want, if it makes you happy.
You don't have to prove to anyone that you're a tg, these are your feelings.
take all the time you need to make things clear for yourself, there is no rush.

If you decide to go on with transition remember it's a marathon, not a quick run.
I wish you a lot of wisdom with your decision.

hugs from your neighbor across the nordsea
annette

[iris1469]

I'm finding myself telling a few close friends what's going through my mind (and what my body seems to be telling me, which is basically a clearer and clearer refrain of "come on, it's high time you had a vagina"), and I say:
1) it's a definite possibility that this may go all the way through HRT and GRS
2) of course I'm giving myself time and space to feel out what the significance of all this is

...the thing is, on the one hand it feels to me more and more like this has been working itself out for at least 25 years (that was the first time I felt it consciously, but there were signs way before that, if I choose to read my memories that way); and on the other hand is all the doubt. And some of that's mine, and reasonable - from a certain perspective this all seems sudden and new, even though from another it seems to have been quietly growing forever, and the only sudden thing about it is the opening of the flower of awareness.

The problem I'm having, if it is a problem, is that I have my own sense of caution about this, but I also have a strong desire to just get on with it right now. And I'm not sure what's behind the urgency, but I do know that behind some of the caution is my friends' cautious responses to all this - and that at least part of my desire to take things slowly is because that's what everyone else seems to want me to do.

Just flailing out loud here - I'm going to start seeing a therapist in Exeter who has experience working with gender reassignment, and I'm partly seeing her to speed this up, and partly because I don't somehow trust my own feelings, and need to bounce them off an "expert" for either reassurance or validation or both! It sort of feels like I'm being cautious because that's what everyone expects of me - but the eager part of me is doing it out of a sneaky plan to give people more time to adjust so they'll be more supportive . Blimey, it's all going on tonight!

So... does any of this sound familiar to you?

i only have one thing for you......KISSES!! smile babe you are doing great

[justmeinoz]

Keep on keeping on. 
I am trying to approach this whole situation like a  (Amazon) warrior.

I will let fear pass through me and when it is gone, I will still be here. 
As a warrior,I care nothing for the criticisms of others, for I know that my honour is untouched, and their efforts are of no more importance  than the buzzing of flies.
I stand on a rock and say, "here I stand, I can do no other. They shall not pass."

[Padma]

I've got an annoying but useful ongoing imaginary discussion going on in my head at at the moment: these imaginary hecklers keep asking me questions about what I want to do, and why, and how much it will cost, and blah blah - and I'm finding creative responses as I go along (which are really for me, let's face it).

The urge to justify is so strong, and yet at the same time it seems very simple and not demanding of an explanation at all. Just: "This is what I'm going to be doing (probably) - either support it or don't, but don't ask to see my homework first. I'm happy to explain, to the extent that I can, so long as you're interested, and not merely demanding that I defend my decisions."

Walking along in the sunshine this morning, as part of all this I had an hilarious moment imagining myself in a women's clothes shop, the shop assistant saying "we don't want your kind in here", and me saying "so... what have you got against Buddhists, then?"

Sorry, this is a bit blogesque, isn't it. Oh well. At least you lot can choose to read it or not - some of my friends are forced to listen!

[Gabby]

It's very important to listen to the caution inside of you. There is a difference between:

Both are very powerful questions. Spending time reflecting on the reasons for caution can help greatly in gaining clarity for where your at. At times even when we thought we were at a certain place, caution comes along to show there is something here that maybe our subconscious wants us to look further into.

With that said, transition is an action, doing thing. No one is going to change your life for you. Happiness is your job. You come to a place where you are compelled to go forward, throwing all caution aside. It is very much stepping into the unknown because you may still have question #1 nagging at you. Fortunately, having answered question #2 puts you in a great place ...your knowing is what makes #1 successful. Question #2 moves the mountains of your life with the power of knowing who you are. They are linked.

peace,

-Valerie

ps - It is tempting to justify the why's of the situation. The only answer for me that had any power was what I learned from question #2, it is because of who I am. There is no other explanation needed and therefore no justification owed. You dont owe anyone an explanation for who you are. You are just you.

These are such  fantastic posts, thank you thank you Valerie   There really is never a need to justify but to explore and reach the answer to question 2, once that is achieved never lose sight again.

The analogy to 24 is inspired too haha, cutting down the time we have so we become beings of action rather than beings who think we have all the time in the world.

[Padma]

The process I'm going through at the moment feels like a regaining of equilibrium. It's odd: it doesn't feel so much like "I've been this when I should have been that" (though that's strongly there too) - it's more like "I've been this, now it's time to be that." I don't know why this is, but there's a very clear message flowing up inside me that says: you're on a journey and this is what's next.

As for caution, I'm realising more and more that I've spent the last 25 years being cautious! Now is more a time to be careful, but to accept that things are changing, like it or not. First laser de-bearding appointment next week!

[Gail F]

This is one of the most informative threads that I have ever read. Almost all the questions raised are ones that I have.
Thank you and please continue. I am going through the same process.
Gail

[Gabby]

The process I'm going through at the moment feels like a regaining of equilibrium. It's odd: it doesn't feel so much like "I've been this when I should have been that" (though that's strongly there too) - it's more like "I've been this, now it's time to be that." I don't know why this is, but there's a very clear message flowing up inside me that says: you're on a journey and this is what's next.

You have put it perfectly.

As for caution, I'm realising more and more that I've spent the last 25 years being cautious! Now is more a time to be careful, but to accept that things are changing, like it or not. First laser de-bearding appointment next week!

Careful yes absolutely correct way to handle this, caring about oneself maybe for the first time in my life.  It was mentioned about doing things for others while neglecting oneself earlier in this thread, twice once when I was 7 and once when I was early 20's I didn't act when I knew who I was because of someone I love... then there's late 20's knowing again and not even because of someone I love I still didn't do it!

I haven't cared about myself it's really as simple as that.

yoxi, I'm about to make an appointment to start beard removal too, I've seen my local GP and I'm waiting on a referral *sigh*

[Padma]

Good luck, us .

[iris1469]

my advice is to live your life to the fullest and dont hold back because we know not how long we will live.....die with no regrets

[Gabby]

Good luck, us .

Yeah, definitely Including the bestest of luck to everyone else in the same situation too

superkitty, personally love those words thank you