H! Everyone

[Emily]

Hi Everyone! and thanks in advance for reading my post.


Well let me start out with a little background information on myself. I am currently 18 years old and entering my senior year of High School. I am a very shy kid, only ever had one girl friend. I apologize in advance as I am quite sure that my english in this post is awful. I keep remembering old thoughts and I can't stop typing, lol.

Well, anyways as long as I remember I wanted to be a female. Not as much as I do now but the idea was always there. I remember events when I was about 8 or 9 of me stuffing pillows in my chest and that was about it, till I reached the age of 13.

The passion started when I turned 13, I started wearing my mother's clothes and makeup while she was at work and I began researching on the subject. This lasted for about a year and then I realized that I could not continue dressing up and hiding it. So  I stopped.

Since then I haven't done much of any crossdressing, a bra and a skirt every so often but that is it. But every night before going to sleep, I would fantasize about becoming a girl. And I would either think about strange plots of magic and other mysteries or use pictures from catalogs etc. Also, for the past few years I have been playing MMOs SWG and WoW and playing as a female. Its so great to be accepted as one.

Recently however, I am brushing aside all these elaborate plots and  realizing the only way to become one is to take homones and have a sex change. This however presents the biggest dilema of all. I am quite shy and I do not think I could take living as a women if I didn't look like one completely. I do not think I could handle being pointed out as a mtf in public. I know this is quite shallow of myself and I apologize for it. People used to say my sister and I look the same and that has given me some confidence.

Another thing that has occured recently that I never felt before is with men. I always considered my sexual passion similiar to that of a lesbians(Ya, I am strange.) But recently through some of my above mentioned fantasizes, I find myself being with a man. Never with sex but being held by one,snuggled, etc. I also had dreams that I was getting married and birthing a child(Dreams that I wish could last forever). But I would only think/dream this if I was a complete women.

I am totally addicted to fashion and clothes. Not male clothes, as I currently wear anything, lol. But female clothes, If I ever did change I would most likely want to wear skirts and dresses all of the time. I love looking at outfits in ads and online. I adore pink,black and orange colored clothes.


Now these following things are items that I am concerned with:
1.) I am a conservative in nearly every aspect excluding sex, gender etc. My parents are both liberal and my family is a big liberal family.
2.) Religion:
My religion is Roman Catholicism. However, I never go to church, never pray. So religion does not matter in my decision process.

I believe in what the bible speaks but not in the context that the catholic church speaks as it is currently more corrupt than any western government.

I also disagree on one item especially. Afterlife.
I have always believed in reincarnation. Most likely to explain myself, as I believe myself to have been a female in my past life. It would explain many things if this were true. Does anyone else here believe in this?
3.) I am also quite concerned if I would be happy living as a female if it put doubts in any strangers mind. I also enjoy many stereotypical masculine hobbies which I currently wonder shows that maybe I do not want to be a women even though all other signs point to yes.


Right now my plan(If I decide to go ahead with it)
1.) Try to bring my weight down alot over my seniorl Year. Also, I would like to try to see if there are any exercises that can give you more female shaped items on my body without Hormones. Any female exercises that work on men  for feminine hips, butt, and legs would be much appreciated.
2.) After going through my first semester of college. (To see if I still want it.) I will start talking to a shrink and begin homones.
3.) Plan ahead of that is sketchy at best.



Any help would be much appreciated. 

[Cassandra]

Hi Emily,

Welcome to Susan's. You have a lot of questions and you have come to the right forum to get them answered. First of all the male attraction. If the male attraction has only been in fantasies this means nothing. Just about every MtF has those and after you've hung out around here long enough you'll find most of us are either bi or lesbians. Equally FtM's run the gamut.

Getting a transgender qualified therapist is your first step. That and joining Susan's (which you've already done) were you will get lots of good advice. From there he or she will help you determine exactly were you sit on the Transgender spectrum (or TG as we call it). If it is determined that you do indeed have GID then if you still wish to transition you will be referred to a doctor (usually an endocrinoligist) who will determine the proper course of HRT therapy, assuming you are healthy enough to do so.

Part of transitioning includes the Real Life Test (RLT). This is were you will begin to live full time as a woman. It is during this time period that you will determine if you really want to go through with this to it's conclusion before it is too late to turn back. Always remember once you get to a certain point in transition it becomes complicated to return to your old gender and some things are irreversible. Not to mention everybody you know will know once you start living full time, so at some point you will have to tell people.

You are 18, that is a good time to begin to transition. (note I did not say take hormones I said transition there is a difference.) I wouldn't worry too much as to wether or not you will look fully female. Poke around this forum for awhile and you will find a lot of differing opinions as to what constitues a female form much as you will find in the regular world.

TG's are a very special people especially TS's. We are rare in the world and for the most part misunderstood. You will find this a safe and friendly environment to explore your feelings. Everyone here calls me Cassie. I am TS and I live as Cassie full time. For me the old self does not exist anymore. Be sure you read the site rules and go to the WIKI there is a lot of good info there. So fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoues off and set a spell.


Good Journey,


Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Welcome to Susan's Emily.

I think that you will enjoy it here, and there are certainly lots of resources for you to browse through, that may help answer some of the questions you have.

After reading through your intro it seems that you have a lot of issues that you should deal with before you start to make plans about transitioning, sex changes and hormones, etc...  HRT is generally irreversible after a certain period of time so based on this issue alone, you need to get things sorted out in your head before you do something you will regret later.  You mentioned that you

After going through my first semester of college. (To see if I still want it.) I will start talking to a shrink and begin hormones.

I think that given what you have outlined in your intro, this should be your first step.  Seeing a therapist will help you see the road ahead a little clearer and make it a little easier to make a decision of who and what you are.  It would also help in sorting out what is fantasy and what isn't, as some of what you have written about could go either way.

I don't mean to cast a shadow over things for you but I think it's the best course of action for you at this time.

Chat later,

Steph