When Doubt Creeps In...

[Julie Marie]

What do you do?

How do you handle it?

I was talking to a friend last night.  During the conversation she talked of looking at her doubts about transitioning.  I was sort of surprised.  She seemed so sure.  Then I looked at her situation and I saw it was a lot like mine.

I can't speak for her but doubts for me creep in when I acknowledge the personal cost of transitioning.  Wednesday I heard a song that reminded me of my youngest son and what a sensitive person he is.  At first I started to smile as I remembered the first time he described his feelings about the song and how nice it was to hear him talk about his emotions. 

I try not to dwell on the fact he is out of my life.  I really can't without being deeply saddened by it.  But this time I didn't deny the feelings.  I was talking to Sandy at the time.  Then it hit me.  I excused myself and went to my room.  Then I lost it.  As I lay on the floor crying my eyes out I once again wondered if it would ever stop.  It hurt so much not having him in my life. 

Then I started trying to find a solution.  Maybe if I abandoned transition and lived the remainder of my life as the person he grew up knowing.  I figured another 20 years.  Could I do it having experienced what I have so far?  I didn't know but what I did know was considering that option helped me to stop crying.

The next day I didn't take any meds.  I didn't the following day either.  I was due for an injection Thursday but I still haven't done that.  This morning I did take the orals though.  But doing the injection makes me feel I would be sealing my fate with my son and maybe never see him again.  I can't betray him like that.  He wants a dad and I'm the only one who can fulfill that role.  Would it really be so hard to give him that?  I wish I knew.

If my family and friends and work all accepted me for who I am there would be no doubts.  But that's not the case.  I've had very little acceptance and really it's more like tolerance.  For the most part I've been rejected.

I haven't made any decisions one way or the other.  The scale is pretty much evenly balanced, personal happiness vs personal losses.  I know I'd be happiest living the remainder of my life as a woman but is the cost worth it?  It's a question that I can't answer right now.

When doubts creep in, what do you do? 

I wish I knew. 

Oh, how I wish I knew.

Julie

[Kimberly]

Doubt is what reminds us that we are sane.


Who is more important to you? YOU whom you must live with every second of every day, or OTHERS whom are sometimes around.

For me, as selfish as it is, I live for me.

But in doing so I have doubts if this process is worth it, to me. For me. Ultimately I keep keeping on because there really is no other alternative. As I have said before, I really do not want to do this. Oh well.


Blessed Be.

[katia]

imo, action is how you overcome self-doubt, and only after action has taken place then your experience will be the teacher of what to do better eventually.

[cindianna_jones]

If you can go back to your son, then do it!  Sorry, but  I don't recommend this course of action for anyone who can manage to live a normal life.

Cindi

[Suzy]

Wow, Julie!

Nice to know you aren't superhuman after all.  I think that when doubts creep in you join the human race.  Perhaps after that you have a friend mail you a silly email that helps you put things in perspective as someone did to me recently (wonder who that was).

Seriously, girlfriend, you and only you know what is the right balance for your life.  If there were no doubt, this would be easy.  But it isn't.  And therapists are still in business.  And we're still going through hell.  And life hasn't really become simpler. 

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't believe that SELF is the ultimate guiding principle.  Sometimes the sacrifice of being selfless, of putting others first, is ultimately to our greater benefit, depending on our priorities. 

This I do know:  You make your choice and you pay the price.  It is steep either way.  If you are looking for the cheapest price tag, you probably aren't searching honestly.  There are no clearance racks for life decisions.  What is most worthwhile to Julie?  Have you figured that out yet?  If not, you aren't ready to make this decision.

OK doll, fix your makeup and get ready for some SERIOUS shopping.


Kristi

[cindianna_jones]

Yay Kristi! That's the ticket! Shopping!  That always brings some short term relief.

I'm sorry Julie that my original response was so blunt. This is a tough thing to live with. I completely know what you are going through. If we didn't have doubts, life would be a whole lot easier.

Cindi

[Yvonne]

Doubt is uncertainty in the context of trust (where it takes the form of distrust), action, decision or belief. Stop Julie Marie,  think things over before doing anything because the worst decisions are made when one has doubts and goes with the crowed, or are the easiest ways.

[Suzy]

Yay Kristi! That's the ticket! Shopping!  That always brings some short term relief.

It does, Cindi!  I have found that retail therapy often is more effective than electroshock therapy.  Cheaper, too.  In fact, I've started a petition to congress that coverage be mandatory on all medical insurance plans.  It would save taxpayers billions.

Kristi

[LynnER]

Julie.....
     Will stopping now allow you to go back? If you stop now will things ever be the same...  Will those that dont except you not except you if you stop? People dont forget, and people usualy dont change its sad to say....   So instead of looking at GRS your looking at a breast reduction....  your looking at the personal hell of detransition....  from my own experiance it wasnt worth it.  Weigh the options, look at the bigger picture...  Is it worth it for you to stop?  Is it worth it to go back the way you came?  People will still be wondering and commenting behind your back.... Will your ex wife ever forgive what youve allready done?  Giveing it all up for someone else is noble only if it is excepted... if they deny what youve done for them and the sacrifices youve made for them.....  Its a crushing defeat that will forever alter your life beyond what has allready happened....  I didnt regret starting transition.... I didnt even regret starting so much later than I had wanted to... I DO REGRET STOPPING AND GIVEING UP A WHOLE YEAR OF MY LIFE and over a year steback to transition....  Why?  I stopped for love and that love was unrequanted...  It was not returned in full like it was given...  Noone thanked me for stopping, and the looks from those who knew said it all......    Im not saying dont stop...  Im saying look at everything involved...  and also wait to see what kind of insanity and disfunctionality not takeing your shot causes...  If you can live with all of that... then by all means stop.  Anyone that can live with out transitioning should... cuz if you can live with out it your totaly crazy for going through it....

PS: This isnt ment to be insulting or to put anyone down... This is something Im speaking of through my own experiance....  Love ya Julie.

[guymade]

very good thread...i can relate to this on many levels.

What did come to mind in reading this thread, was that i don't believe its so much what we are experiencing is doubt-since we know deep down inside who we are.  Your post made me think more about what to do we when we get in touch with the intense raw sorrow that comes with having made the decision to transition.

This self-sorrow we experience at times is very real and tough going at times. The only suggestion i have is to be kind and gentle with yourself at this time and keep in mind that its not a time for any sort of decision making.

Reach out to the people that support you, sure sounds like you have some people on here that care a lot about you.

Yes, the sorrow is very very intense, but trust that you don't need to go through it alone.

Cheers,
Guy

[Terra]

Sorry to hear the bad times in your life Julie,

Unfortunetly, i'm not to sure what can be added to what these other women have said, and since i'm not excatly out and about in my transition i'm not sure how much stock my words can have but...

don't lose hope, and don't make a decision while in despair, they are almost as bad as ones made in anger. I'll give you the same advice a friend gave me while I was looking for work and almost ready to just give up transition altogether to go back to the military and my family asking for forgivness.
She took a stone and made it into a necklace and put it around my neck, she said that this stone represented all my problems and worries, trying to drag me down. She then said that no matter who you are you have problems trying to drag you down and eventually they will if you try to carry them yourself. She then took the stone and held it up. She told me that no matter where I am, she will help me carry the stone, and she knew another who would as well.

Julie, I will help you carry your stone, so that you can decide what is best for your life without having to bear it alone. And that goes for anyone else who reads this.

So take a day off tomarrow and enjoy your life, and then you can make a more informed decision if you want to change its direction.

[Elizabeth]

What do you do?

How do you handle it?
...
When doubts creep in, what do you do? 

I wish I knew. 

Oh, how I wish I knew.

Julie

I just remember what got me to this point in the first place. I got here because I reached point where I believed I could never be happy again. I didn't weigh it ounce for ounce to try to see which way the scale tipped. It was pure survival. I knew there would be consequences for my kids, but you know, life takes a lot of twists and turns. My children are going to have to deal with adversity in this life. My transition is just one of them. Trying to weigh what is going to make you happier is a losing proposition because the future is unpredictable. The reason to transition is so you can live in your own skin. Unless you found a new way to deal with that, the road will inevitably lead you right back down this path, just as it did the last time you decided to stop your transition. I also told you then, it would be a fruitless endeavor and that turned out to be true. I still hold that belief.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Julie Marie]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. 

Lynn, when I read your reply it sounded exactly like what went through my mind when I tried to picture not transitioning.  I know my son very well and if I announced I was going back to being dad for him he wouldn't accept it.  Most likely it wouldn't change a thing.  He was so blown away by all this he saw me as someone who can't be trusted.  If I could hide this completely for all those years I must be capable of deep deception.  He wouldn't listen to why I felt the need to keep this hidden.  And if things didn't change between us I'm sure I would eventually tire of the battle to keep the real me suppressed and resume transition.  That would most likely forever destroy any chances of having him back in my life.

Cindi, I took no offense from what you said.  But giving up transitioning would be the same as deceiving not only myself, but everyone around me.  I need to be me and in doing so I am being honest with everyone as to who I am.  I'll have to learn to live with the consequences.

Kristi, no, I'm not superhuman but what hit me from that comment was you aren't the first person to say that.  That means that initially I come across as being that way.  Which tells me I put on a pretty good act.  The thing is it's not an act.  I'm usually a very happy person but every once in a while something happens and I am reminded that there's still a lot of pain and hurt inside me.  And when I let it go it's very hard to control.  That's why I rarely allow myself to think about it too deeply.

Elizabeth, you are right.  Stopping my transition the first time didn't solve anything.  But when I remember the pure joy I felt when I decided to go through with it I'm reminded just how wonderfully happy I was then.  And for the most part, I still am.  No, I could never go back to that life.  Thinking I can is only fooling myself.

Elissa, your story sounds a lot like what Buddhists teach.  It's said the Buddha taught we all have 83 problems.  When we solve one, another pops up in its place.  Trying to get rid of all your problems just gives you an 84th problem.  Thanks for offering to help me carry my stone.

Guy, I agree with your statement about it not being doubt.  I know who I am and who I am not.  For the most part I do fairly well working on dealing with the fallout of transitioning.  But sometimes it just gets to me.  I can take solace in that weakness by realizing I'm only human.

I guess the real doubt comes in the form of how long can I keep this up?  Eventually I WILL have to complete this transition.  It's inevitable.  But work will keep me living at least part of my life as a male.  And I want to keep working.  I've gone from being unemployed to having the job I've always dreamed of and I can't think of any better way to end my career.  It may even take me past my 58th birthday.  Working until I'm 60 is a possibility.  It sure would make retirement a cakewalk.  In two weeks I'll be 56, so that's as much as four more years in a dual life.  If I take it one day at a time, I should make it.

I always tell Sandy, "Stop thinking and start being".  I need to take my own advice.

Julie

[Kate]

unless you found a new way to deal with that, the road will inevitably lead you right back down this path...

And that's the sad truth of all this.

I cannot imagine the emotional anguish of losing a child to this. I'm coming at this differently, having no children of my own, yet wanting them desperately. I just spent a wonderful Easter with my wife and her family, with little children and babies everywhere. My wife was born to be a mother. She's like a child magnet: everytime I see her, babies and children are just clinging to her, running to her for hugs and help.

And I got to hold the newest baby all afternoon... and he is SO adorable. I mean geez, is there any sweeter feeling in the world than cradling a little baby, him sleeping softly in your arms because he feels so safe and toasty there? Sigh...

During the sad drive home, I tried explaining to my wife that it's not that I don't want that life. I DO want it. I want a child. With her. But I also just cannot change who I am. I just can't do it even if I WANTED to do it. Heck, we TRIED for twenty years almost. So even though it may cost me that life, it's just the way it is. It's how things are and must be FIRST. Whether I can still find the life I want and need as a woman, I just don't know. But I know I CAN'T find it as a man, even if all the exterior circumstances work out "better" because of my living a lie.

I know Julie, it truly does suck. But... as my wife says... IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Kate

[Attis]

Doubt is what reminds us that we are sane.

That reminds me of a quip one of my therapists told me. "The truly insane ones don't think they are..."

-- Brede