Dysphoria attacks...

[Ashley Allison]

So this is a complicated question, and I would like to hear your answers.... So I am not out to all the people around me, but 5 days ago I was in Las Vegas, Nevada with people who were unaware.  We were having a pretty good time, with drinking and gambling included on the strip...  The synergistic effects though made me extremely dysphoric of my gender.  It was literally like a Panic attack.  I felt envious of all the girls around me being able to show off all that I didn't have at the moment, and having to hold back my feminity.  I felt fear and an off vibe that I didn't fit in right because of my physical masculinity (that was unfortunately apparent).  I could go on, but I have to ask, how do you deal with these dysphoria attacks? These momentary feelings of horrible incongruenty? I have a lingering, persistent feeling of dysphoria, but this was way too much.  I know I was too tired and drank too much, but I would like your input.

[dil]

I used to get seriously down about not being able to really be myself.  I've been doing the dual-life thing long enough now that I've reconciled much of it in my mind, but there is still stress.  The key now is the same as it was when I felt the crippling dysphoria: an outlet.  I would spend some time trying to work to become something I liked more, and to learn to like what I was more.  It sounds silly, but making an active process of it gave me a feeling of moving forward, and the despair became quite manageable

[Jennie]

Hi forallittook, I hope your feeling better now or atleast a bit better.  I have a feeling that what you are talking about is more than feeling down and more than depression, I have had what you described too many times, it feels like teh bigest dysphoria attack ever, I felt just like you described but I was sober and under the influence of nothing,  it is like a panic attack on top of and at the same time as  a major dysphoria attack.
One thing that has helped me is to meditate a lot, nothing mistical or anything like that, I would just sit in a quiet place with no distractions and think and reflect, i would also direct my thoughts so I could plan my future and I would direct my thoughts away from the panic attack, the dysphoria will be helped when you start making positive plans for the future that will make you happy just like Dil said if you keep busy doing somthing activly will help you to muve forward and moving forward will help to lessen your dysphoria so with meditation to help the pannic attacks and teh positive plans for your future helping the dysphoria then I think you will be able to handle it a bit more.
My therapist told me that when I start HRT then the brain that has been starved of the hormone that it needs the most will be gitting the right hormone in the right amount and the dysphoria will start to go away, he said the desire to transition will still be there but the dysphoria will not be the primary thing in your life.  If you do not have a therapist I encourage you to get one even a online therapist will help and they can help you to over come some of the debilitating feelings and deal with them in a positive way that will make you happy, so make some plans and keep telling yourself that you have started the road to a happy you and it will sink in and your attacks should lessen to.
I hope this helps you to feel better, aloha nui loa from Hawaii

Jennie

[michelle.ch]

My GD works like this:

Okay in scruffy man clothes for a long time if no-one is watching, or when I am working (I don't get to see more than two or three people on my job). Also okay for about half an hour in a busier place but constantly paying attention to the women around me feeling that I should be looking like that, not like I am. After a bit more time I get quite depressed about it, and have to stick my nose in a book to avoid looking at people or thinking about it. It's not really crushing GD, just a sense of uneasiness and dissatisfaction that keeps growing.

I haven't had a panic attack yet, but then I haven't allowed myself to be put in a blokey situation for about seven months, and all my friends and even many work colleagues know about me, so I only have to pretend at work for some people. Non-blokey situations with people who know are not so bad, because I don't feel restricted in my actions or the topics of conversation.

My advice would be first of all to try and avoid (or slowly wean yourself off) situations where you have to keep up the pretence of being one of the guys all the time for a long time. Easy for me to say because I didn't really have any friends who found things strange or threatening.  I have stopped going to places where I know I have to keep a secret.

I also try to think to myself that I am just pretending like this for the moment for the sake of convenience, it's not as if it is permanent. You can even think "wow, I'm doing a good job of tricking all these guys, they have no idea I'm really a woman....I am ze master (or mistress) of disguise!" this way of thinking makes things better by giving me something to look forward to, i.e. the time in the very near future (the next day, next week, or evening) when I don't have to pretend any more and can relax and be myself again. 

[Jennie]

You can even think "wow, I'm doing a good job of tricking all these guys, they have no idea I'm really a woman....I am ze master (or mistress) of disguise!" this way of thinking makes things better by giving me something to look forward to, i.e. the time in the very near future (the next day, next week, or evening) when I don't have to pretend any more and can relax and be myself again.

I like that, that is a great idea and I am going to keep it in mind if I ever need to use it, I like that a lot
Aloha

Jennie

[Northern Jane]

Toward the end, in my late teens, I used to have horrible bouts of depression, usually triggered by someone's new baby, being excluded from 'girl talk', or similar things that triggered that sense of being excluded from where I wanted to be. They were terrible black moods and, teetering on the edge of self harm, they were a bad place to be.

A trigger would usually lead to a good cry, all by myself, and feeling sorry for myself for awhile. Rather than linger in that dark place and risk it getting worse, I usually went for a walk in the woods, found some isolated place, and maybe had another good cry. There was something about being away from people, being in a natural place in the sunshine, and having an emotional release that helped me "get out of myself" and feel I was a part of Nature, the grand scheme of life as it were. It didn't cure the depression but it helped take the edge off and kept me going.

[Staci3336]

I also know what you mean,, I was in NYC the other day having a great time with a friend, then all of a sudden a guy walked by wearing very feminine clothes. In NYC no one cared or gave a second look, for the rest of the weekend my GID was raging. As far as coping, for me as I have not transitioned, I usually find when that happens its time to feed the beast within  I usually do something to make myself feel more like myself

[jyoti]

The feeling is due to an attempt to compare oneself with the other girls, this is not exclusive to trans women but all women and men as well, for instant the introvert vs. the extrovert, the quiet vs. the talkative, etc., the former usually envy of the latter when they naturally can't do the things the latter are capable of. 

I think the challenge is to not in attempting to imitate the other girls' behavior, but in challenging oneself the courage to let go on the grasp on one's masculinity, and in being open to accept one's own femininity, i.e. in attitude, behavior, gestures, voices, etc., allowing it to manifest more and more freely, even in the mist of such difficult situation.

[Tara L]

Hi Forallittook,

Hugs you are feeling better. What I do is relish privately as to the experience. I just came back from a similar experience. Luckily I am able to be out in personal life and keep seperate from professional life as what I do is huge no-no for Tara where I live. ( 2 years till Tara move) Can separate with mostly no fear.

Went on a trip where knew ahead of time, remote retreat, would be bunk bedding with open showers so had to stop body shaving, but only did to minimal.

Point being 35 females, 6 males in much much tighter quarters than usual for extended periods. Day time dress up, night time dress up. Shoes, dresses, pants, lace, hair, make-up and on and on. I had to stop myself over and over. I Love those shoes, those earrings are so pretty, where did you get that cami, I love your perfume........

Enjoyed being so close, came home, stripped, shaved, been 100% Tara since incl. my first eye glass appt. for glasses today at Wal Mart (with fake eyelashes on).

Just take the good with you

[MarinaM]

I can't even look in the mirror without it hitting me, but I need to look in the mirror to make sure the girl is still there.

I'm a lucid dreamer, and if I'm having a dream where I even start to think about my gender I abort the dream and rarely get any deep sleep. I used to love going to sleep.

I avoid protein filled foods, I won't even talk to anyone without efforting a girl's voice (even in "guy mode"), I check my head at least four times a day for more hair loss than usual (even though I'm on Spiro), I'm tempted to shave twice a day, I question my career path because it's a traditionally male dominated field, I refuse to have sex, I kind of used to at least get pleasure from giving my SO pleasure...

I try and try and try meditation, androgynous clothing, CBT, spirituality, drowning out the noise, therapy... These things aren't enough. I need to live as a woman.

I'm thinking of asking about anxiety medications the next time I see my doctor.