Outed at work (pre transition)

[SarahD]

Hi everyone!

I found out on Friday that I'd been outed at work to one of the manager's and also a couple of my colleagues...

At work, some people had already known. My friends Bithiah and Lucy have known for quite a few months now, and my friend Nurun I told more recently...

On Saturday last week, me and Nurun were going to go shopping after work to find a new top for the Outskirts meetup (It's some trans social/support group thing). One of the Team Manager's at work who is good friends with Nurun and who I know, but not as well, came into work that day to catch up with her work, and Nurun mentioned about us going shopping after work, but not what for. Khadija (the TM) wanted to come with us, so I told her about dressing (Most people know about that anyway, so it's not a big deal telling her) and she seemed fine about it and helped me find something to wear. On the way back from there, she seemed so fine about it that I decided to tell her I'm transsexual, and even invited her and Nurun to come with me to Outskirts on the Monday. They both came along with me and they seemed to really like it there. They chatted to some other trans people who explained a lot to them about the whole thing.

At work the last few days, everything seemed normal. Khadija said to me on Thursday night to make sure I speak to Paul (the Section Manager) before going full time. I told her that I already planned to, and wouldn't just turn up to work one day dressed. Anyway, the next day I got into work, and one of my friends Jenny kept hinting at trans things. She knew about me dressing and was asking me things like if I want to be female, so I just said "It's only a bit of fun" and then didn't really answer any other questions.

About 30 minutes later we were both scheduled for a break at the same time so went outside. She brought up the subject of dressing again and asked me "Are you sure it's not more than that?". I decided to just tell her, since she's someone I trust and knew would be fine about it. After I told her she told me she already knew. At first I thought she just meant she'd guessed it from knowing about me dressings/seeing pics of me. I asked how she knew and she told me that Khadija had told Paul, who had told Sam (Paul's girlfriend, who is also on my team at work), who told Jenny.

I got really mad at that point. When I got back upstairs and Paul was around, I asked him to speak to him in private. About an hour later he had some spare time, so we went to a meeting room to talk. I told him that I knew what Khadija had told him about me. He asked me to fill him in on it, so I explained to him that I'm Transsexual and will eventually start living as a woman, but I'm not sure when yet. He asked me some questions about the process, like about if I get support from people, and asking if hormones and things would affect my voice. I explained everything to him about it all, and said that I'm hoping to wait for speech therapy before I transition, but I'm not sure when/if the NHS will fund it, so might have to just start without it. I asked him about the possibility of doing back office work (Letter writing and things) and he said he could probably sort it out for a couple of months, but I would have to eventually take phone calls again.

I asked him about other people knowing, and said I know that Sam knew. He said that Khadija must have told her because he's not said a word. I know he's just trying to protect his own back because he knows how much trouble disclosing this stuff to someone would cause. I decided not to go further with it, and just said I wanted him to speak to Khadija and find out and make sure she doesn't tell anyone else, and if she has already, to make sure they dont go gossiping.

When we went back into the call centre, Paul took Khadija outside and spoke to her about it. I assume to make sure she doesn't discuss it with anyone else. When she got back, she asked me when my next break was because she wanted to talk to me. When we went outside she started saying how she had to tell Paul because he's her manager and she had a duty to tell him, and just spouting a load of rubbish to try justify it all. She kept asking me to tell her who told me about it, but I told her I'd promised the person I wouldn't tell anyone, but she kept saying "I bet it was Sam or Jenny", but I just refused to tell her who told me.

Nobody who was told (that I know of) has been negative towards me about it so far, but I feel really betrayed that I thought I could trust her and she went behind my back gossiping, and then Paul telling Sam about it. Earlier I considered speaking to the union about it because of Paul disclosing this to Sam who didn't have any right to know yet, but I think that'll just cause more trouble for me, so I'd rather just leave it.

I've decided to send my manager James an email saying that I want to speak to him on Tuesday (He wasn't in today and I'm not in on Monday because I have my Charing Cross appointment), so I'm going to explain everything to him then, so at least he finds out from me, and not from someone else. I really feel like I'm being rushed into transition now. I know it's my own fault for telling people, but it's nice to have some people to talk to about it, since I don't really have many friends outside of work because most of the time I'm doing overtime and so I work about 60 - 70 hours a week.

Hugs,
Sarah
x

[dil]

Hey there Sarah, sorry you got pushed into the open before you were ready for it.  I'm sure many of us have had somewhat similar circumstances.  As we get closer and closer to transition I think we want to test the waters with people to see how it will go when we finally take the big step.  The problem is, as with any secret, the best way to keep it is not to share it.  I'm sure it's tempting to make trouble for the people who violated your trust, but you should consider what you stand to gain and or lose by it.  It seems like making, what most will see as, a fuss will really just draw more attention to you.  As long as there has been gossip, rules have never done anything to stop it.  Sucks.

That is just my experience though, and you may find that your best option is to totally ignore my advice, in which case I hope you do exactly that!  Good luck with your newly-rushed transition--I'm sure it'll be great in the end.

[LifeInNeon]

Sorry to hear about that. I hope this aggravating situation is just a bump in the road and not something bigger.

Office gossip is only as big a deal as people make it. Hopefully they're just gossipmongers (like we all can be at times) and not bigoted. That way, if you can show them down the road that it doesn't get a rise out of you, it'll pass and be no more worthy of comment than someone's kid being in the army, or someone having spent a night in jail.

These are still the people you'll have to work with. They broke your trust, but unless you go elsewhere, it won't help your situation to be the one that escalates it. Sadly, office bullying is just as ->-bleeped-<-ty and way more sophisticated than primary school bullying, so if it gets ugly, get out.

:-/

Good luck. We'll be hoping things turn out for the best for you.

I hope your chat with your boss goes well.

[JessicaR]

I was outed in a very similar way...

  I first confided in my immediate supervisor who I know told no one. At that point I had no exact plan about when I was going to come out. by pure chance, a very out Gay guy was transferred to our location; it wasn't long before others started to talk about him. I got really angry during one of those conversations... I tried to hide it but I guess my reaction, in defense of the new guy, inspired a coworker to assume I was Gay; she went around telling people I was, too. At that point, I felt forced to act... I didn't want the wrong information out there so I decided to come out to management.
  I think that we get so absorbed in being trans, sometimes, that we don't see how obvious we are. We start HRT, our bodies start to change, our facial features change, our behavior gets weird... and we don't think that others notice. I think that WE make the coming out process... It's as positive as you make it. I think it's better to be proactive and tell people sooner than to have to play defense when you have no control over the gossip.

[spacial]

Sarah.

Unless there are serious repercussions over others outing you, I would suggest, the best thing to do is let it lie.

OK, so you lost the initiative and that's a pain. But the reaction so far seems, generally positive. Kicking up a fuss at this time might cause problems and friction where there are none.

[SarahD]

Today I had another big day!!

Me and my manager were both in work today... I asked him if he'd seen my email, but he said he has like 150 to get through (He had a couple of days off), so I told him I needed to speak to him in private. A bit later, just after my lunch break he had some time so we went to talk. I explained to him what had happened with Khadija and Paul, and told him I'm Transsexual.

He was so completely fine about it. He seemed a little surprised, but it wasn't a huge shock to him. We discussed about when I plan to go full time, about who else knows, about the possible bullying/harrassment, etc. I told him that I'm not sure yet exactly when I'll be going full time, and that I'd rather have waited until closer to the time to speak to him but I feel a bit forced to tell him now because of the things with Khadija and Paul.

We had a bit of a chat afterwards for like 20 minutes. I explained to him about the NHS, about how I came to terms with it all, how I feel about it now, about going out dressed a few times and told him the first time I was so worried that I'd see him because he lives near where the Outskirts meetup is lol. We talked a bit about speech therapy and I explained how it works and how good the results can be, and told him I'm hoping to wait until I get speech therapy but I'm still not sure if the PCT will fund it yet or not. He also said that he'd already been discussing with his new manager about putting me on permanent back office work (letter writing and stuff) once Bithiah leaves because someone will need to replace her. I'd already asked him about it in the past.. At least if I can do that, then I can transition sooner than if I was taking calls all day!

At the end of the meeting he told me that he wont discuss this with anyone else, and if he does ever need to (like closer to the time, when he needs to speak to his managers) he will talk to me first to make sure it is ok and to let me know exactly who is being told and stuff. He also said that if I ever want to discuss it with him, to just let him know and we can go have a meeting.

After we got back into the call centre bit, everything was normal. He would still treat me exactly the same, he'd still talk to me as normal, etc. I was expecting at least a little awkwardness, but there was none at all! I think being Transsexual isn't seen so negatively anymore as much as it used to. Everyone who knows me that I've told has been completely fine about it and not thought I was messed up or anything. I guess when people see me every day and really get to know me, they realise I'm just a normal person like everyone else, just I happen to have some issues with my gender.

Hugs,
Sarah
x

[Cindy]

Well that seems to be a balanced way of doing things. I think you shouldn't have any problems.

Cindy

[Jennie]

Hi Sarah, I am glad things seem to be working out for the better, it is great that you will be able to go in  the back and work after the other worker goes.  I wish the best for you, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie