I should have seen this coming a lot sooner. Mistakes starting to happen at work, not feeling as alert or in control as I have been. Feeling more dysphoric than usual and getting pre-occupied with getting op #2 under way. Still, the sand seemed to be quite a nice place to nestle into while I kept the bills paid and kept working. Work got more hectic with 3 different, equally important jobs to tackle at the same time. Things got missed, frustration was building - what I felt of it.
Now, I was due for my next Nebido shot in late October. I recognised the signs of low hormone levels, fair enough. But afterwards things showed little sign of improving - in fact they seem to be getting worse, only in a different way. Things inside me seem to be shutting down; emotions, social skills, concentration, memory.. it's like being back on anti-depressants.
I had my appraisal at work today, and received a harsh wake-up call to just how bad it's got. Don't get me wrong, my boss has been amazingly patient and supportive in all sorts of ways, although she also has a lot on her plate. But it boiled down to my being told, after this next week off, I have about a month to prove I'm still able to do the job.
I've been feeling absolutely lousy ever since. Thoughts have running wild; when did it get so bad, how was it allowed to get this far, what the hell is wrong with me, why am I feeling like this, I was doing fine, what's happened? Then I realised the simple answer may be, after 30 years of hell in some form or other, and fighting for things like acceptance, feeling right in myself and other basic things, I've just run out of steam. I've lost the fight, I've lost the strength that's kept me going, and I just want to spend as much of this next week as possible sealed away from the world while I figure things out.
I may feel a bit better by tomorrow, I don't know. But for now I've just had enough of it all. Had enough of being in debt, being broke yet now seemingly not able to even make a living - sick of the chest and back ache, sometimes heat rash from the binding, sick of seeing those ugly things in the mirror, of the warped hips and huge thighs, of the resultant hiding in baggy clothes, of living with house-mates and getting visits from my (understandably, I know) concerned friend (one of said house-mates) just to see how I am when I want to be alone.
God, it feels like I'm going backwards - I last felt this crap when I was still Sarah, why the hell am I back here again?! For me the point of transition was to feel right with myself, to feel free to live as I truly am with a fresh page - how can I do that when I'm still in debt and having to house-share with someone who can barely handle this trans stuff, let alone seeing me blossom into the guy I know I really am... This is such a damn tease, let me out of the damn cage already! I've had enough of this!
Essay over, thanks for reading.
