Need Help

[lindsey26]

Came out to close family two weeks ago. Have my only biological sister who is approving of me becoming mtf but parents are acting like this is not happening. Want to come out to extended family aka cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents. I know that I need to get my parents on board if I am going to go to extended family. I just found out yesterday that the family wants me to come to Thanksgiving. Not sure how to handle this situation. I want to be my true self with family but without my close family embracing me and my extended family not knowing any of this information not sure how to handle this and very nervous. If there is anyone who can give me advise, suggestions, on how to handle this I would truly appreciate it!

[Felix]

I wouldn't try to come out as the new you at a thanksgiving gathering. I think you'll have better success if you bite your tongue and do this more on your own terms.

[lindsey26]

I get the part you said about holding out and waiting but what does on my own terms mean? Little confused. Does that mean make it when I am totally ready or when I have started hrt or just need some direction. Please help me thanks

[Cindy]

I came out in one swoop. Invited the family over for dinner and there I was. Cindy. But I'm 'mature' (read old ) and the consequences didn't concern me. If Thanks giving is a big family event it may not be the best time, that said I'm in Australia and we don't have that event, I believe it is a big family thing across the pond? So turning up in a nice party dress and heels may not be the idea. Are you on hormones ie are there physical changes that can't be hidden? That would also make a difference. How close is the family? If you really want to come out at the dinner can you email everyone to let them know? Are you OK with being rejected?

All of these need to be thought though.

In my case I thought it through carefully  , phoned everyone in the morning and invited them for dinner that evening and told them to be ready for a surprise. 

Worked for me.

Hugs

Cindy

[mixie]

Came out to close family two weeks ago. Have my only biological sister who is approving of me becoming mtf but parents are acting like this is not happening. Want to come out to extended family aka cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents. I know that I need to get my parents on board if I am going to go to extended family. I just found out yesterday that the family wants me to come to Thanksgiving. Not sure how to handle this situation. I want to be my true self with family but without my close family embracing me and my extended family not knowing any of this information not sure how to handle this and very nervous. If there is anyone who can give me advise, suggestions, on how to handle this I would truly appreciate it!

First of all, how old are you?   Second, you don't "need to get your parents on board"  you just don't.   Parents take time.  I'm a parent and I worry about my kids "going through things" all the time.

If your family is super religious in an oppressive way, then for the sake of your own sanity I'd not "come out."   However, it would be prudent for you to continue to be yourself.    Don't make a scene but don't hide either.


Good luck to you.   If you were older I'd tell you to just go for it,  Thanksgivings require such drama.  But it seems like you still live at home.

[Felix]

What I meant by on your own terms is thanksgiving dinner is likely to be a stressful situation that either is or feels way out of your control. When you start coming forward as who you are, it'll work better if you have even a little more power to guide the situation.

[lindsey26]

Im only 26 have a steady job, my own apartment, family not super religious some methodists, some baptists, some lutherans, some dont go to church. Not on HRT yet but want to when I can. Don't want to lose my family but if I do well thats life. Not incredibly close to family but yet would like to try to keep from causing a rift if I do come out and get the family upset or otherwise make an issue. Have not decided if going to thanksgiving but I will see them all again at christmas also. You all have given me something to think about. Thank you!

[Felix]

Hey good luck. And btw, keep in mind that all of our advice is just opinions, and you probably know what you should do better than we do.

[JulieC.]

This is just my opinion but I would not spring it on everyone at thanksgiving dinner.  It may make everyone uncomfortable which will in turn make you uncomfortable.  Also if your parents are on the fence or unsupportive now it may make that situation worse.  You have a few weeks between now and Christmas to tell a few of the extended family.  Try and pick ones that may be supportive.  That should make the next holiday a little easier.  Also you might let on that everyone should expect a big change the next time they see you. 

[Dana_H]

It all depends on your situation and family, of course, but the advice I've gotten is to not come out at/around a holiday/family reunion/special event.  Holidays are usually a time of great stress already and, as such, people are not likely to be thinking as clearly as maybe they should. Plus, there is a risk of the holiday forever being remembered resentfully as "that time of year when we lost our son/daughter" if things go poorly.

It really sux because that's probably one of the times when you most want to be accepted for who you are.  I know I've had a few very Merry Christmases that were really hard on me personally just because I had to pretend to be something that feels false to me.