Lots of embarrassment

[sascraps]

So last night my boyfriend & I went out again with a high school friend of mine and one of her friends. Her friend is obviously friends with some cops because she stopped them and chatted to them when they came in on their break to eat. There was a really big cop, about as big as I am, and he asked her if we (me & my boyfriend) were her security guards. I don't remember their exact exchange of words, but she corrected him a couple of times to insist to him that I was a girl and not a guy. The big cop just looked confused. Of course my friends don't know yet that I think of myself as a guy now, but I feel the exact same level of embarrassment as always. My friends have always been diligent in correcting everyone that addresses me as sir, buddy, he, etc. This has always made me feel less than human because I know I'm not living up to societal & social expectations of what a female is supposed to look like. And I've always been made to feel embarrassed about not having the physical appearance of a female. Sometimes my friends even get a laugh out of my being mistaken for a man, and on rare occasions have tried to suggest that I should do this or that to appear female. And I've been thinking a lot about the issue of coming out lately, wondering if I should tell people how I feel now or wait until I make some kind of progress with losing weight before I tell people? I try to hold off on telling people mostly because I know that they won't understand. My friends totally won't get it because they think everything is about sex. And for me, my feelings are not about sex! I may have a lot of issues regarding sex, body image, confidence, self esteem and what not, but at this point I really don't care. This isn't sexually motivated. It's just about me being who I am as a person. It has nothing to do with who I want to f**k. But it's also because even here in my mid-30's, I still get bullied online from where I do have photos of myself, where I get a lot of comments saying that I'm a man or that I'm not a woman because I have a penis. I wonder why I take it as such an insult and why is it so funny for others to say those things about me? It all embarrasses me a great deal and causes me a lot of grief. That's why I say I've always been gender-embarrassed rather than have had any identity issues before because I haven't. I've just always been made to feel embarrassed and ashamed that I don't fit into my assigned gender. And since I got the whole sex change idea in my head, I have imagined that it would be such a relief to be recognized and legally regarded as male and to no longer be ashamed or humiliated for what I am not.

[Wolf]

I understand what you mean. When I was 'presenting' female, it would be embarrassing to be taken as male because even though I wasn't trying that hard it still made me feel like I'd just never fit in.

Coming out can be a big relief, but, it can also draw a lot of attention to you. You have to make sure there are people around you who will support you; if not, it will be much more difficult and maybe easier to find some support on the internet and try to get a bit further down the road in transitioning. People will then have no choice but to take you seriously, but also see that you will be the same person only happier and a lot more comfortable with yourself.

[PandaValentine]

That's rough, but I do know what it's like. The few times I have been thought of as a guy (which usually doesn't happen because I'm short and feminine looking) I've had people correct them for me, saying I am a girl. I've also had the opposite done where my friend would say to people who'd call me a girl, that I was a guy, and no matter the situation it was just always embarrassing.

By the way you make it sound, about your gender, I have to ask, are you really trans? I don't mean that as an insult or a judgement it just feels like you are basing all this on what would be easier for you. I'm sorry if I took what I read in the wrong way, but perhaps you should work on how you explain it then because I think if you did come out, people may say the same thing. Although the funny thing is, being trans is so not an easy thing to do. Coming out is usually better for us transguys than for transgender women, but we can too have our bad experiences.

Anyways, good luck with everything. Also if it's weight you're worried about, and gaining confidence, don't just do it for those reasons, you need more than that. If you're not eating healthily do it for health, start working out at home since I know gyms can be a real bother! If you have confidence issues, it sometimes take more than just accepting things as they are! Sometimes you need the change or the self acceptance just isn't going to happen.

Also one final thing I always like to remind people that people can surprise you. They can surprise you by being the most hateful person you've ever met after coming out, or the most accepting. I say, tell the person you are closest to first, or tell a doctor! However the road in which you tell one person always leads to telling more and more, it's just like those potato chips where you can't have just one... every experience will be a unique one though, that's for sure.

I hope all turns out well for you and you find the path you need to go down. It's not to say it's going to be easy or mapped out, but the journey is worth it, especially the strange creatures you'll meat along the way!

[sascraps]

No, it's ok, I pretty much expected to be questioned about if I'm really trans since I'm not in any medical transition and since it never occurred to me before. But in my defense, one of the things I've learned about myself lately is that I really don't think outside the box because I take everything literally and my brain has always been driven by logic and facts. The fact was I was born with female parts and that is all I ever saw. So does that make me a fake or something? I don't think it does. I know that something was always wrong with me, with my life, something didn't add up, something always threw everything off, and now I know what that thing is. No, I really do not want to go through life as a female. I would very much greatly prefer not to. I realize I may have to for circumstances beyond my control. But I hope to be able to take control of my life. I know it's hard to explain, since most people do get to run their own lives and make their own decisions, but thus far in life I haven't had such privilege. I've been held down and held back my whole life, and I hope more than anything to overcome it all. I'm sorry if I don't phrase things right, my speech has always been very socially unacceptable and I honestly don't know how to talk in a manner that makes me fit into the world. Everyone always thinks I'm a fake or have bad intentions or what not because I just don't know the right words and the right phrasing to come across as normal and acceptable to others.  So all I can say is that I know what my life experiences have been like, I know what I feel, and I know what I want. And I would probably go postal and end up shooting people from a rooftop someday if anyone were to try to force me to continue to live this way, the way I am now, for the rest of my life. And if I did fully transition, I wouldn't regret it one bit. My only regrets in life are that I've let everyone hold me down and I accepted my place as being beneath everyone else for far too long. My only regrets are not fighting back and standing up for myself from the start. So if you or anyone else or even all trans people are going to hate me, then so be it I guess. I've got my own life to live and I'm sick of being told what to do. I'm not living for everyone else's benefit anymore.

[Kohitsu]

You remind me of a younger version of myself. I knew I was "different" my whole life but didn't know why. I am also a logical thinker too, and when I learned about the term "transgender," it was like that moment in life when everything makes a lot more sense, but early on, my logical brain couldn't wrap around the concept of being something other than female. I used to think that because I have female parts, that makes me female, end of story. I'd be nuts if I thought I were male, because I have female parts, and anything beyond that was illogical. It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that the physical world is not always the truth, and that we must search within our soul to figure out who we are, and not let others tell us who we are just because we possess a certain physical trait. Maybe you just need to do some soul searching and take a step back away from the world to really discover the real you who has been hiding away inside all these years, because so many other people have told you how to live your life this whole time. It's time to make decisions about your life based on how you feel and not let other people's expectations of you control you.

[Tad]

Trying to be female was hell I remember. People still mistook me for a man.. and people would correct people who got ->-bleeped-<-ed up.. and it was always just awkward. Wait, that isn't a boy? Why does he uhh she have wide shoulders, and have masculine clothing.. it's a girl.. no it's not.. it's a boy.. no she's not! she's a girl.. no way. ahaha.. the story of much of my life until I decided to transition

[sascraps]

Yeah Khody, exactly. I've always been very logical and literal and have always taken things at face value, by the facts alone. I didn't want to seem crazy either and I've always tried to be somewhat normal and to do what was expected of me. But now I've just been shown, through a lot of difficult times and situations, that trying to please others isn't working for me, and neither is being a woman. Now that it's finally clicked in my mind that there is another option besides trying to remain female and fit into the world as a female, it feels like a huge relief and it gives me hope. I do need to do some soul searching and find out who I am on a whole other level. I used to think it was just the music I listen to and what my interests are that made me who I am, but I know I have to go beyond the surface and basically raise myself all over again. And not having any family that gave a crap about me, I thought I had already raised myself? lol But left to my own devices, I see how I've fallen into the same thinking patterns as my family with not being able to think outside the box or consider anything other than the absolute facts.

[asher]

I second most of what Kohdy said.
I wouldn't consider myself a highly logical person at all, and I still felt this way as a kid. I couldn't wrap my head around the concept of my gender being different from my sex at all. I used to mistake mySELF for male all the time. For most of my childhood I had to correct myself in everything I did, 'no no girl's bathroom not boy's bathroom', 'no girl's line not boy's line', 'girl's team not boy's team' etc etc, because my whole life my instinctual understanding of myself has always felt MALE, and I naturally steered myself in that direction before I thought on it.

Even so I never thought anything 'odd' about this until recently. I had the same mentality, that I had girl parts so I was a girl. I was never happy with my body, and I was also ashamed when people pointed out my more masculine traits. I thought I was just unhappy because I was heavier than other girls, or not confident enough to wear girly clothes, or wasn't girly enough, or just naturally hairier etc.
It wasn't until college that I was really introduced to the idea of gender and sex being separate. Even then it's taken me years to internalize that and realize this was me, and all those things add up.

For a while I kept my embarrassed attitude about things people called me masculine for, but over time as my ideas about gender opened up, I slowly realized I was coming to LIKE those things, I started to feel GOOD when people said I had a manly attribute, and I felt this even before I knew it was because I was fitting my own natural idea of myself. I realized all those things I felt bad about were for the very same reasons you stated, because I was supposed to be female and I couldn't fit that category.

Everyone is different, and we all come to understandings in our own ways. For the longest time I thought because I had never been adamant and outspoken about this confusion as a child this made me NOT trans.
But only you can decide that. You're the only one who knows how you feel, you're the only one who can know if being male fits you right, it's up to you to come to your own conclusions. And try not to base it on 'standards' (including gender stereotypes) or other people's experiences, or even what other people think you are, because you're not them and only you know what fits you, and in my experience taking note of these things only hindered me.

It seems you're very aware of how your mind works, so that's a great start! It's not easy to open up your mind to things you weren't aware of before, and I can see it being especially difficult for someone with a more logical outlook.

So like Kohdy said, take a step back, and really look into yourself, independent of what others say and think of you, and take time to really think and feel it out.

[sascraps]

Yes, exactly. Those are the feelings I've had and have had too, Asher. I've always felt bad about my body, which I assumed came from being heavier as well. And I've also been ashamed and embarrassed of not being able to fit into the female stereotypes or be as girly, pretty, and feminine as I'm expected to be since that is my legally declared sex. And then the fact that it's also funny to others that I don't fit in, that I'm not thin, pretty, girly, or feminine. Even some of my friends will get a laugh out of it when I'm "mistaken" for a guy, and strangers who want to be hateful will either call me a bull dyke or say that I have a penis to be hateful. Either way, my not fitting in to what a female is supposed to be has always been a big joke, and thus, has made me a big joke. And I don't know how I really got through so much of my life never thinking of anything other than the fact that I'm supposed to be female. I have heard of and seen trans people occasionally on talk shows many years ago even, but I never thought twice because that was them, but this is me and I have certain expectations to live up to, and that was that. I have lived my life always trying to please others - parents, teachers, family, friends, etc. And I could really kick myself now for it. But yeah, really, it's like "DUH!", I've always been one of the guys. I get along better with guys, most of my friends have always been guys. The toys I had as a kid were all like GI Joes and Transformers. I liked to wear army clothes and always wanted my hair short. And I was allowed all of that at home, but forced to wear the pink & pastel frilly things to school which I HATED! I've always felt like a complete jackass in women's clothing. It's just not me. But anyway I know I really got a lot of inner work to do too, but also I've always been one to dive right into things, so I'm going to very soon try really living as a guy, telling people that I'm male when they ask, using the men's room and what not regularly. And by the way, I have used the men's rooms quite a bit even well before any of this sex change stuff was in my head, although usually out of convenience when the women's room was closed for cleaning, and I've always gotten away with it. But it's more embarrassing when I have to use the women's, and get shocked/offended stares from everyone and I have to excuse myself by saying "It's alright, I'm a girl, I'm on the rag and need to be in here for a moment..." 

[Kohitsu]

[Nick Z]

All of what you say hits home. It's taken me literally years to even realize what what up with me. I'm not a kid, by no means, either. I just thought that because your "body" was female, that you were female. I always thought differently and acted differently, but just chalked it up to personality. I remember way back being fascinated with stories about people who had the drive and the guts to trans. I've suppressed a lot of these feelings  in my life, and probably didn't even know why I was different. It was a slow realization for me, 10 years ago, started just thinking about this because of a documentary I saw, 2 years ago, really started reading up on it.  The last 6 months, I have been "trying" very hard to be and accept what I feel, like you, that I feel like a guy, although I'm a woman physically and it's okay. I am still struggling and will be for awhile at this point, and I'm also glad for these forums.

Try to realize that we are all individuals, and we are all at one point or another, trying to figure out what to do with our lives. Just stay strong in your convictions and know there are others out there like you.  Make your choices, and don't worry about others out there. They will get used to whatever you choose to do. It's your life.   Now, I've got to take my own advice too!!!

[JohnAlex]

Kohdy,  I just wanted to thank you for posting that video!   I can relate to almost everything he's saying.  And I think he says it so perfectly.  In fact, I think I'm going to show some of my friends that video is hopes they can understand me better.

[Kohitsu]

I love Forest's transgender vlogs. They are always very insightful and humorous.

[sascraps]

Thanks for posting that video - good stuff there! I can really relate to what he's saying and what people have said in reply to me here. And back to the video, yeah it is a hard concept to wrap your head around. You live all your life one way only to realize something major is wrong and there's a different person inside of you than on the outside. I've actually not shaved my legs or arms in a couple or a few weeks now, and I don't feel embarrassed by it. I like it! And I had been shaving my forearms since I was a teenager because people would also make fun of or comment on how my arm hair is unladylike. But I'm surprising myself a little bit here that I'm not as embarrassed or afraid of being called a bull dyke for not shaving my legs & arms. And getting called that has always offended and embarrassed me because I am not attracted to women. I'm letting myself be hairy because I'm a guy, and I like being a guy. So yeah, I am internally a gay man. That's a double dose to deal with.  But yeah, I'm glad I found this forum! 

[asher]

Thanks for posting that video - good stuff there! I can really relate to what he's saying and what people have said in reply to me here. And back to the video, yeah it is a hard concept to wrap your head around. You live all your life one way only to realize something major is wrong and there's a different person inside of you than on the outside. I've actually not shaved my legs or arms in a couple or a few weeks now, and I don't feel embarrassed by it. I like it! And I had been shaving my forearms since I was a teenager because people would also make fun of or comment on how my arm hair is unladylike. But I'm surprising myself a little bit here that I'm not as embarrassed or afraid of being called a bull dyke for not shaving my legs & arms. And getting called that has always offended and embarrassed me because I am not attracted to women. I'm letting myself be hairy because I'm a guy, and I like being a guy. So yeah, I am internally a gay man. That's a double dose to deal with.  But yeah, I'm glad I found this forum!

Hey good for you! I was the same, I used to shave my arms and stomach (I already have hair everywhere a guy does and a happy trail before t haha, which i LOVE now) but not anymore. But yea, glad to hear you're embracing it : ) Much better that way!

And I thought the same when I figured all this stuff out XD Being a gay ftm, I felt like I was a minority within a minority and it would be extra difficult, especially to tell people about. But on this forum it seems like there are a lot of guys like us, which is always great. Big support system here, so it doesn't have to feel like a double dose : ) There's lots of great advice around here for everything having to do with being a gay ftm and thensome, so you came to a good place! : D