A therapist told my mom

[Shimei Valentine]

TMI Time
Okay so my parents were not surprised when I came out to them:

My parents can't say there were no signs. All throughout elementary school I told them I wanted to be a boy. I dressed in boys clothes, kept my hair short and most of my friends were boys. I never played with dolls- just dinosaurs and animals. People used to mistake me for a boy and I would get so happy (then get upset if my mom corrected them)

There were many signs that my mom didn't know about and still doesn't. Same as many, I used to lie awake at night and pray to god I would wake up as a boy. Every Christmas I wanted Santa to make me a boy. I actually grew extremely disdainful of both Santa and God because neither of them would help me. I tried to pee standing up. My mom never knew when I had my first menstrual cycle because I took care of it by myself and hid it from her. etc. etc.

To the point:
But my parents claim its 'mental disturbance' from an isolated incident of sexual abuse I suffered as a child. Which I get that some people can think that and honestly I wasn't surprised when they said it. But here's the kicker: my mom says the therapist told her this would happen. I am in no way shape or form a psychologist or therapist or anything- but what I have read on trauma and sexual abuse shows nothing as to why a therapist told my mom this. As far as I know, no one can tell how trauma will manifest in a person. I may be wrong. Why would a therapist tell my mom this?

**Also- I'm not sure if this was the same therapist, but I know that one of the women that my mom took me to see after the incident said "Ignore it and it will go away"

[insideontheoutside]

Yeah this sounds like a single therapist's own personal viewpoint to me. Because yeah, effects of any type of abuse - even a single incident - will manifest differently in different people. The fact that from a very early age you knew you wanted to be male is more of a tip off to trans than some "effect" from a 1 time abuse incident.

When my parents took me to see a therapist when I was 10 I believe that therapist said something to the effect of, "this is a phase - ignore it and it will go away". I guess when you're under a certain age a lot of therapists just assume it is some "phase" - or they don't want to startle the parent. It wasn't until I was 14 or 15 (can't remember) that some therapist gave me a GID and transsexual diagnosis. I didn't even know what either of those were at that point in time.

[SnailPace]

My mom is the same way.  I was also the victim of abuse when I was younger and my parents are convince that this EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and that I can counsel my trans-ness away.

I've talked to my therapist about this actually.  She is a sexual abuse counselor as well as a gender therapist.  She told me that the percentage of the population that is abused is the same in trans people as it is in cis people.  So there ya go.

I've also been thinking... EVEN IF (and that's a big 'if') being abused can make someone trans... sure that could explain why, but it's not like knowing why you're trans automatically "cures" you of being trans.  We are how we are no matter how we came to be this way.  It's obviously not going away...

[JohnAlex]

To the point:
But my parents claim its 'mental disturbance' from an isolated incident of sexual abuse I suffered as a child. Which I get that some people can think that and honestly I wasn't surprised when they said it. But here's the kicker: my mom says the therapist told her this would happen. I am in no way shape or form a psychologist or therapist or anything- but what I have read on trauma and sexual abuse shows nothing as to why a therapist told my mom this. As far as I know, no one can tell how trauma will manifest in a person. I may be wrong. Why would a therapist tell my mom this?

**Also- I'm not sure if this was the same therapist, but I know that one of the women that my mom took me to see after the incident said "Ignore it and it will go away"

Oh wow, that sounds like a horrible therapist.  If you're not already seeing a therapist, maybe you could find one to go see and after meeting with that therapist have the therapist tell your mom that it doesn't work like that and it didn't cause you to be trans.  If she listened to the therapist before, perhaps she might do it again.


I went through something similar in my childhood, and that is my ONLY fear of coming out, I'm afraid that my family will think that experience caused me to be trans.  which then totally invalidates my feelings.

[Shimei Valentine]

Well that's the thing about it too- they think its this mental disturbance that should not be 'fed' or 'encouraged' but rather treated with therapy and meds for as long as it takes.

And the abuse happened pretty young so its like its hard to prove 'I was like this BEFORE the incident' or even 'I wasn't like this before'

And the thing that the therapist said was "ignore the fact that abuse ever happened and the problems will go away" (I didn't explain that very well) which is obviously wrong on a psychological standpoint. I'm just thinking if it was the same therapist that said "Your kid will think she is a boy because of the abuse" then I wouldn't trust them at all about it.

The fact that my parents bring up the therapist saying this seems almost like their last leg to stand on as far as denial. I wish I could break this last thing away or prove it wrong because to me that just sounds like a ridiculous thing for a therapist to say...

[JohnAlex]

well why don't you say to them, "Okay, you think I need help?  Let me see a therapist.  Let the therapist decide what kind of help I need."  And then you make sure the therapist that is chosen (even if it's only a therapist that deals with abuse) is real and professional. 

Idk what kind of therapist that told your mom that.  I would be shocked if that was a real professional.  when I was younger, my mom had me see counselors from church.  they were not professional and were nutso.

[insideontheoutside]

I'd actually request a different therapist.

[Shimei Valentine]

And I have started seeing a therapist from a professional clinic. They're all really awesome there and starting calling me Vincent from day one. Maybe I could talk to the therapist I have now and ask about talking to my mom to try to reverse the damage done by that other one years ago?

Its just kind of hard to get my mom to actively think about it at all. I've dropped big hints like leaving a paper (that I got from the therapist) about Accepting Your LGBT Child right out in the open on the coffee table for weeks. Normally she would tell me to pick it up if I left anything on the coffee table for that long- but its like she's having a standoff with me. I also have a program recorded on the DVR that is about transgendered people and she has managed to ignore that too although all she ever does is watch TV...

[JohnAlex]

Wow.  it's like you said, she is in denial.   

Yeah, it think it might be really beneficial if you could get your therapist to talk to her.  At least then, instead of being in denial, she can outrightly choose to either accept it or not.

[MaxAloysius]

I agree, get this good, professional therapist to have a sit down with your mother, and try to fix whatever the hell that other idiot told her. She can't live in the denial closet forever, and it sounds like she's not going to take your word for it. Have a pro knock that one last thing she's holding onto out from under her, and you might make some real progress. 

[Padma]

From my experience and things I've heard (when I did some counselling training) sexual abuse doesn't affect who you are, so much as how you feel about who you are - whatever your sexual orientation/identity, or gender identity, or sexuality in general. So it doesn't "make you" gay or trans or whatever, it just makes it harder to be happy with being what you are, until you can work through that. This can indeed have the short-term consequence of steering yourself in one direction or another in order to feel safer (I wasn't able to accept fully that I am (a) polysexual and (b) actually a woman until I'd come to terms with being abused), but you will always gravitate towards your core identity once it feels safe to do so.

[JohnR]

Your mother is a liar.

[Bahzi]

Your mother is a liar.

Yeah, see that was my first thought.   I don't think a real therapist would say that, there's no logical basis for it and I highly doubt they've seen enough cases of sexual abuse in children who later showed signs of GID, and also, therapists are not fortune tellers, they don't tell parents what's going to happen to their kid.  This sounds more like either something your mother heard from some disreputable source (a friend or relative), or something she made up when you came out to her so she could live in denial some more, and hoped you'd buy it enough to doubt yourself too.

[Shimei Valentine]

Yeah lying was another thing I thought it could be. But if she is lying, I hope to have that crash down around her when this legit therapist tells her what is what.

[jmaxley]

I had a therapist tell me that my being trans must have come from some horrific ongoing sexual abuse.  When I told her there was no ongoing sexual abuse in my past, she told me there had to have been and I just didn't remember it or I wasn't telling her the truth about it.  This was the same therapist that at another time told me my efforts to transition were "attention-seeking behavior".

My theory about sexual abuse causing a person to be trans, is that as prevalent as sexual abuse is, if it was the cause, there'd be a whole lot more trans people.

[Padma]

...and if there weren't so many crypto-freudian bad therapists out there, there'd probably be more trans people too! Seriously, these stories about therapists making judgemental statements like that are making me really angry - it's completely unacceptable. Fortunately, they are in the minority (I've seen 8 different ones in my time (I don't wear them out, it's just that I've moved around a lot!) and 2 of them have been crap in their different ways, but the others have more than made up for them.

I personally would (a) change therapists and (b) report the bad one to their professional body. But I say that now. When I was young and seeing the crap therapists I saw, I didn't do anything about it either, except be really pissed off later on.

[Lee]

And those of us who grew up with perfectly normal, happy childhoods are trans why?  Seriously, I would ask her exactly who told her that and what that person's credentials are.  You also may be able to look up some hard data to show her.

[Padma]

And in fact, there's some evidence to suggest it works the other way instead - that trans children are more likely to be abused, because people pick up on their ambiguity and vulnerability. This was recently suggested to me, and it actually rings uncomfortably true. And this is in no way to imply that this makes the child at all responsible for the abuse, just to be clear - merely that it sadly makes them a more likely target, as they're isolated by their gender disphoria.

[Shimei Valentine]

And in fact, there's some evidence to suggest it works the other way instead - that trans children are more likely to be abused, because people pick up on their ambiguity and vulnerability.

Wow I never even thought of that angle. That makes a lot of since.

[bojangles]

"Ignore it and it will go away"

I don't believe ignorance is capable of taming truth.