Fractal irony

[Gabby]

Seeing your new av you can pull off a pretty good look is what I think

Natalie Portman who can pull that level of fantastic off but her lol

Padma go on change your name as well no going back now   What with your lovely bright new av people might think 'Oh new person' haha

[Padma]

The scary part is that I kind of look like my mum in that photo...

[Gabby]

awwww the greatest thing ever

[Arch]

For what it is worth, I don't think transition makes the rest of your life difficult. It does become so for a while but that ends and then life is same as ever but more like normal.

I hope you're right, I'm sure you're right...sheesh, I sound like the little trans man that could.

[Gabby]

Ah one person does a good Natalie Portman impression, I actually thought it was her and thought trip to the cinema


How to want a rhinoplasty in two pics, but when I go onto HRT who nose what's gonna happen haha

[JessicaR]

   Yoxi, I can't explain exactly why but I look at your avatar and read your posts and I just can't help but think that you are a remarkable person who is destined for greatness!

   Please don't feel embarrassed about being so upset... It happens to all of us...

   The night I came out to my wife (now my ex) I wound up in the fetal position on my front porch, crying hysterically and trying to will myself to die. This stuff is so emotional!

<hugs>
Jessica


 

[CosmicCandi]

I know I'm a relative new-comer to this site, but whenever the road ahead of me looks bleak, I turn to "Desiderata".  It's a poem by Max Ehrmann.  There were some really great versions of it on YouTube that had music and spoken narration, though if you don't care about visuals you can listen to the song version by Les Crane (done in the 1970s).

It gives one a solid foundation for living life, but also whispers "whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

While I firmly believe in Jesus, this helps bolster my strength.  As I'm just starting my own transition, I wish you the best on your journey.

Kalea


=== Edit: ===
Noticed a typo. Corrected.

[Padma]

Thanks, folks - on a much more even keel again now. I have to admit that the idea that I'm going to end up looking like my mum spun me for a bit(!) but I feel pretty even-minded about what's coming along.

I had a long chat on the phone with Jenny (from here) yesterday which was very helpful in getting me to think about how I want to proceed with transitioning, and I've now made an appointment to see Dr Perring in London, so I can better take charge of what happens to me when. Part of why I was upset the other night is because I'm sharing a house with an old friend and a (still) relative stranger - I'm not out to the stranger yet (I'm irrationally scared around him, it's been tough since he moved in), and my friend has been getting weird and a bit distant with me since I started talking about transitioning (though he's trying hard not to be), so I felt quite isolated that night. I'm looking forward to living on my own, and having a lot of people nearby who are unambiguously trans-friendly.

It's a bit tricky - a few of my fellow Buddhists have quite strong and rigid and vocal views about what they would probably think of as "the ethics of body modification" - I've already had a bizarre conversation with someone who was questioning the ethics of spending a lot of money on transitioning, and I pointed out to him that if we want to talk about ethics, he might want to take into account that over his lifetime, he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender! But in fact I'm sure that most people are going to be fine and supportive, or just neutrally friendly and not bothered about it. And after 20 years around this generally lovely bunch of nutters, it does matter to me what they think of me. the great thing is that all my oldest friends (from when I was a teenager) are just right there with me about all this.

[Cindy]

Hi Padma,

Sounds as if you are on the journey We all have doubts, I think we all have fears, we all make mistakes but I think we have to be honest with our selves. I've reached a point where I really have no interest or care about what people think about me in a physical sense. Having accepted that, it has made life very comfortable. I don't care what people think about me and so it becomes their problem.  Once you can get there it is liberating

I know many of us worry about size but sit and look at people, there are all sorts of sized people of any gender, or sexual orientation. It is how you present and the confidence you present with is what matters.

As for looking like your Mum, well you are going to look a bit like your Mum and a bit like your Dad, I'm still hoping I look more like my Mum than my Dad

Like the avatar. You have to learn to smile. Guys frown girls smile. 

cindy

[annette]

Hi Yoxi

When I read your posts, I think you have a lot of wisdom.
Starting with transition is a process full of excitement, sometimes hard and sometimes with lovely days.
It's not an easy way but, if you're feeling as the opposite gender there is no other way.
See it as a big adventure and a challenge.
And ... we all look a bit like our mums, after all we have a part of her dna, right?
Irony is good to get things into perspective, so keep on going with it.

Hugs
Annette

[Padma]

Cindy, that is a smile! (I have tooth shyness...) - better?



(Note to self - no more taking phone photos at night!)

[Padma]

As for looking like my mum - well, I'd rather look like her than have my dad's wattles . I just wish she hadn't bequeathed me the huge ears - I yearn for the petite and nibbleable ears of a Scottish girl .

[Cindy]

Big ears mean dangly ear rings. Love them

[Padma]

Okay, here goes with some entertainment for all of us - the many faces of younger me (for comparison purposes):

1) at 16 - the only happy snap of me while still at school (first photo without bottle-bottom specs)
2) at 17 - seriously, god knows how I ended up looking like that - the 70's, could have been worse
3) at 22 - smarmface deliberate, me & gf emulating sickening Andy'n'Fergie royal wedding stamp
4) at 24 - only dangly earring evidence so far, rockstar look accidental
5) at 32 - what happens when eyebrows aren't trimmed - ironic pseudo-spiritual pose, honest
6) at 36 - the Byronic Man

[clicketh to embiggen, as they say in Pennsylvania...]


[ages corrected!]

[MillieB]

he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender!

Not sure about this one Yoxi, he must drink some pretty pricey coffee!!

[Padma]

Not sure about this one Yoxi, he must drink some pretty pricey coffee!!

£6 a week for 50 years would do it . I know, it's a bit of an exaggeration for some people, but the amount of this stuff people I know get through whilst pretending it's not an intoxicant, pff .

[Gabby]

It's a bit tricky - a few of my fellow Buddhists have quite strong and rigid and vocal views about what they would probably think of as "the ethics of body modification" - I've already had a bizarre conversation with someone who was questioning the ethics of spending a lot of money on transitioning, and I pointed out to him that if we want to talk about ethics, he might want to take into account that over his lifetime, he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender!

Ah holders of the secret wisdom, I've talked to many people like that including buddhists as if there's only one true path to true enlightenment, thinking like that is a path into another kind of darkness.

People like to feel safe, but they're not safe because they're holding on to something that is not themselves, it's alien.

We are all enlightened, we let ourselves be led astray but others who wish to grind us down to become like them we must help them realise they will never achieve the personal power they crave because their source of power relies on grinding something else down.  So one day something grinds them.

We can only ever free ourselves.

Padma you're nice, kind and wise I salute you haha:)

[Gabby]

And ... we all look a bit like our mums, after all we have a part of her dna, right?

It's a great thing in my book

Currently I look in the tradition of a young anime witch

No-one commented on the pic but maybe it's a we should act older as if being young is lesser or should be denied us, when it comes down to it I have heard greater wisdom come from the mouth of a five year old than many 'experienced' older people.  50 years on the planet is nothing, five minutes contemplating how blind we all are is worth a thousand years of thinking how powerful or wise one is.  (someone living like that for that long would be one mad bastard.)

[Lacey Lynne]

Yoxi:

Great thread you started here, hon, and the dialogue between you and the other posters is great.  This is a way fun read.  Thanks for making this thread.   

Don't know if this will help you any, but I'll try, okay?

While I don't know your situation, from what you say, we have much in common.  Hey, I did not take my first dose of HRT until 1.5 months after I turned ... age 54.  Late start?  Heck, yes! 

Just like you say here, I knew it was a Catch 22 situation:  Transition?  Darned if I do.  Darned if I don't.  Well, in 2 weeks, I'll be 1 year and 4 months on HRT ... but only 6 months on full-fledged hormone replacement therapy.  See my avatar pic?  That's at only 4 months on full-tilt hormone replacement therapy.  What's my point?

My point is that I know I don't pass and get very bummed out about it.  Also, there are many obstacles to my going fulltime none the least of which is 9 lives depending on me financially (not counting myself), and out of a sense of responsibility, duty and maturity (my parents' generation (The World War 2 Generation)) believed in and taught me that putting my family's needs ahead of my own desires comes first. 

So, I'm not yet fulltime.  I'm only now starting beard removal in about 2 weeks.  On and on it goes.  I won't bore you with the details.  I'm just saying that I KNEW things would be a wild ride once I started to transition, and they are.  Also, it's scary much of the time.  Most nights, I wake up at about 4:00 a.m. and just lie there and bum out.

However, I go on anyway.  Ultimately, I'll be much better off.  Mid-transition (the "thing" stage) is a bummer, hon.  Don't let anybody tell you it's not.  That's right where I'm at right now, and it's a drag.  However, it's worth it. 

Keep the faith.  Do what your heart tells you is right for you.  Trust your inner voice.  Finally, remember that you've got friends here at Susan's Place albeit E-friends.  We believe in you and want you to be happy. 

Peace & Hugs

   Lacey


Postscript:

Radio Head?  Girl!   To each their own, hon!  That's way cool. 

As I write this, I'm listening to:



(Song doesn't actually start until about 25 seconds into the video.)

Music from my very late teens still makes my day ... Peace.

[Padma]

It's all moving along better and better - I think starting this thread was really good for me, just to say "I'm not always finding this easy!" out loud, as I have a bit of a caretaker history and tend to think I should hide the harder parts - but they're less hard when unhid, so that's alright.

I just feel like the more I sit with this and the more people I talk to about it, the more it relaxes into its natural shape, which is to progress with care and see what happens. So that's what I'm doing.

And hey, I like Radiohead, so I'm not apologising for it!

I fixed a friend's pc today, and she dyed my hair for me as a skill-swap - here's the demented crimson version...