I've been Thinking...

[Back2Basics]

For the past past 5 years I have been living a lie.. I am what some would call a very passable and beautiful pre op transsexual women..
About five years i went back to being a boy after my mother died (im the only child) and i must admit it was the best experience of my life!! I was working and happy and everything associated with being i girl i got rid of it! Just as i was bout to have my hormone/silicone  breasts removed my "post op" friend re assured me that i was going crazy and just needed to be around people who care for me..
Not the case at all...
Right before i stopped i was a showgirl/escort who only got buy on my looks and now that i'v back to doing shows again i feel lost.. I don't wanna be a girl anymore I never had the desire to go thru with the change because ive seen what it looks like before it heals and it scares me... Besides I could never do that to myself although ive done this to myself..

Having started at a young age (15) I have giving up my life to become this "character" Ive created because i wasn't happy with who i was with in.. well now that the inside is fixed the outside is all wrong.. I Am not a mental case i am very well capable of making my own choices...
For me.. Going back is the best option.. I guess i just need to talk and vent..... Any help?
Nothing is wrong in my life other then I miss him "Him meaning who i use 2 be'!!

[Janet_Girl]

What was so special about 'him'?  Remember you are still that person.

I n my case it is unfortunate, as he was a real arse, and many did not like him.  Just remain you and remember that you are still "him" and you like the same things.

I just hate to some one detransition and then become miserable again.  You began transition for a reason, just remember the reason.

[Kaisa]

I agree with Janet, what's in your mind will stay the same. You are perfectly capable of doing 'manly things' even though you might feel it's inapropriate for you to do so. Many things you can continue doing without problems. I used to weld crazy bikes and chop down trees with a chainsawn in my workpants, now I weld crazy bikes and chop down trees in a miniskirt. You just need to find out what your gender is because it would seem quite likely you didn't want to be male and if you now think female is also not your thing, maybe you're somewhere in between? (I'm no expert in this but this sounds pretty logical to me at least)

[MarinaM]

You can do everything you did and do as a man as a woman. There is a gender continuum and you're probably dabbling with extremes- not a healthy thing for anyone all of the time.

That said, if you are comfortable with de-transition, do what you feel is best. It's your life.

Your name and situation reminds me of this song:

[rejennyrated]

Back2Basics I have to say that I disagree with you profoundly.

I too started when young - but unlike you I never adjusted who I was beyond the outside appearance, and then only in so far as having SRS. I never had any other surgeries, although as you can see from my picture the HRT did a pretty good job on its own.

I am the same person now that I always was. This idea that you must somehow change into the perfect little woman in order to "pass" is bunk. After living most of my life as a female I pass just fine - as myself, a woman of some distinction.

There is no "him" to miss because in a very real sense I am "him." I also happen to be female.

[Rabbit]

So, your "female self" was just an object which you sold and you based your life simply around how you look? ...

You know being female means you can do more than that...right?

[Renate]

I'm sure that many of us here can only scratch our heads about posts like the original post above.

Most of us are fortunately not drop-dead beautiful or 100% passable or employed as showgirls/escorts.
Most of us go into this a lot more soberly.

SRS never gave me the slightest twinge of anxiety.
The thought of someone having breast augmentation undone gives me the creeps though.

[Karla]

Hello Back2Basics,

I noticed that in my own efforts to race through transition I get caught up in the rhythm of it all and end up being worn out by the stress, I don't really stop to smell the roses and see where I am at, so I feel like I've ended up giving a big chunk of myself just to power myself through this. Do you think this is similar to your situation?

(De)transition is a major life altering path, if you feel that doing it the first time was too hasty then please make sure the second one isn't.

Kind regards,
Karla.