Went shopping today, I had been feeling a lot more confidant as of late, left the house feeling like I could take on anything, feeling I would pass without any issues, which for the most part I did without any odd looks. . . .until this ONE guy. I had to take a taxi, while I was standing out there with my roommate waiting for the cab to get home, this old acquaintance of my roommate's walked up, my roommate started BSing with him. Well, I stood there, not saying anything, watching for the cab. Finally my roommate introduces me. My voice is, sadly, feminine, deeper than the average my age but still feminine. Well, even though my roommate introduced me as Victor, this guy's reaction. I swear it offended me and amused me at the same time. He looked and acted like someone just hit him in the chest with a 30 pound dumbbell. It went kinda like this:
Him: WHOA! Wait, you're a chick?!?!
Me: No, I'm a guy, nature just pulled a hell of a prank on me.
Him: So you're a crossdresser?
Me: No, I'm a guy who was born wrong.
Him: So you're a girl who wants to be a guy?
Me: I'm not a f****in' girl.
Well, that lasted about five minutes, I finally got him to understand I'm transgendered. Next thing he asks is if me and my roommate are together, my roommate's my ex, she's transitioning at a much slower rate than I am thus doesn't yet present as female publicly. She's not yet sure enough of herself to, so this guy still sees her as male. We explain no we are not together, we use to be but found we're better as friends. Then he turns to my roommate and goes "So are you gay?" WELL good news is the guy accepted me as male, bad news is we then had to explain that to him, he turns around and asks if I'm gay, I'm bi and openly so, so I just tell him that, thing is my roommate got so, so uncomfortable with all of this cause she's still deep in the closet and I'm not about to out her until she's ready, only a few in her family know and that's all that will know until she's ready. Then the guy goes on with the "Well you two can always get back together since you're not a chick anymore." thing. Newsflash! Transitioning does not kill who I was before nor does it erase my knowledge and experiences from pre-transition.
Everything had been going so well, yea I passed as a 'pretty boy' (Which I don't mind, passing as male is still passing as male to me, I'm kinda metro in style anyways) through the whole trip, even got sired a couple times AFTER people had heard my voice (Which is a first! My voice normally cans the whole thing. Made me feel pretty good there!) but then this, explaining it, knowing those around would hear, the concern of the wrong person walking by and hearing when this guy wouldn't stop asking about it, hey, I welcome questions, I don't mind explaining, but explaining in an open place, it both worries me and reassures me that it's unlikely anyone would pull something where so many others can see. It just, the nervousness, the worry for it, it made me feel sick, I'm not use to feeling ill, physically, from my nerves. My emotions do not effect me like that, they never have before, I normally have them under such strict control! But as I've been transitioning I realize, I'm not as cold and unphased as I use to be.
Before I use to keep my emotions under such lock and key, this occurring made me realize I'm losing that control. I use to be sturdy, unshakable, I could take the worse and keep going, I have my emotional defense to up that I was, well, I was cold, indifferent to most things, always on guard and, as I'm transitioning I'm realizing that cold demeanor, that serious, unshakable thing was just a mask, a mask that's now falling away. I don't know if I'm liking that it's falling away or if I'm hating it. I'm more confidant, I'm happier, I can actually FEEL happiness again, I hadn't felt it since I was a child and I can feel it again. But I can also feel the negative again as well. Trying to control it again will mean pushing myself in a little box again and, honestly, I don't know how to handle these emotions without switching back to that cold, defensive logic mode again. I don't know if it scares me but I've never felt many of the things I am now before, it's like a flood gate has been opened and everything is just sort of gushing out. I had these emotions locked up for over 9 years, now they're all coming out in full force, I almost wanted to cry earlier from the overload of it all, but I can't cry, I haven't been able to truly cry in years, I think I've lost the ability to. Has anyone else gone through this? Having locked up all your emotions only for them to flood out when you start transitioning?
I don't know why they're flooding out NOW of all times. I mean, I've reasoned that it MAY be due to the fact I'm no longer hiding who I am, maybe that cold mask was part of my whole coping with being born female thing? I'm not as standoffish and easy to provoke now, I'm a lot more easy going, but I'm effected more by my emotions, ones I can't identify, ones I've never known but I keep feeling them. On the one hand it's logical that being me finally is allowing them to bleed through, on the other hand my logical abilities are now capable of being influenced by these weird and, to me, unidentified emotions and I'm not sure how much the emotions are effecting my reasoning and how much is still reliable information based upon what I'm observing in myself. I think it's driving me nuts. . . .it's got me confused that's for sure!
Has anyone else gone through this? I know it's something Imma have to figure out for myself, my brain says that, my emotions tell me there's more to it and, well, let us say emotional impulse and logic are at odds right now. So here I am, typing this long ass ramble not knowing what I'm hoping for, Knowing I normally have it together enough not to need to type things like this but something in me is making me feel like I have to, even if it's long winded. Just, ugh, I don't know what to do with this, I don't know how to handle this, I know no one can answer the problems for me I guess, I guess I just want to know if I'm alone in this, though just by rules of probability I'm likely not but, I don't know, maybe my emotions want confirmation of that or some kind of advice. I don't know what that side of me wants, I just know the conflict between my emotional side and my logical side are making me into a rope in this game of tug-o-war.
