Detransitioning

[angiejuly]

So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things? I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(

I detransitioned 2 years ago. It was only a learning and regretful expiriance. I`m back 2 months HRT. Only you can know what is best for you but you have not said what that is to us yet so I say "bad idea till I hear it".
What have your life goals been transition aside?
Where are you at with those goals now?

I want to write your #s and give you my thoughts. First off I love you no matter what you decide.
1.  Guilt! Why are you putting energy into guilt where it does not belong. They are the ones who should and will feel guilty for driving you away. If you want guilt  This works pretty good for me


2. conflicted! I would most certanly hope so. If you wheren't you would have no memory of the past. It is impossible to guide our future without remembering the past. Keep it with you for when you need it. I would think you will have those dreams for a wile if not ever . Both you lived and one you are.  And conflicted : Is that another word for confused? If it is the same you surely are wise enough to know that making disissions when we are confused can easily be the wrong one if not almost everytime. Find the opposit of confused before making life changing desissions.

3. Torchered by thoughts: I was too before I detransitioned (so I thought). After detransition was when the torcher became so unberable the anxiety was so strong suicidal thoughts never left my mind. I stay with my kids always so I would not do it. I would hate to see you go through that alone. My body even started to break down. I was having minor symptoms of the same thing opiet junkies go through getting off it. You need to not be confused first. Only you will know you though.

4. Transition has it`s sacrifices and rewards. Write them down for yourself. Carefree is how you feel. Choose what you want to feel the next day before bed. Beach: Why can`t  you go to the beach? You can take you top off at my beach. The turtles don`t mind. There is no defined line what girls and boys do. Boys can be straight, fem florists and girls can be straight Chopper builders and drag racers. Men stay home with kids wile the lawyer wife works all day. You are asking who you are. Who you trully are. This is the biggest deal. and my specialty. Never look outside of yourself to find who you are. You will "I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head" if you do.

5.Scared: Fear, frustraition, rage, anger, resentment. I talk about what these feelings do to us in my blog. Cannot get anything good out of it. I am in fear you will make a decission based on fear. Fear is negative unless you are talking about the band. I would only want to hear you are detransitioning in total excitment. Perhaps the same excitment you felt when you started. Self worth and Love is motivation. You are in a negative place right now dear.  You are right to look outside yourself for help. it tells me you are very wise but want that same excitment back for surgery . You are the one that will make relationships "normal" (what ever that means). I would kill myself alone off the bordom of normal relationships. I love and embrace diffrances and individuality. What you are talking about will fallow after self confidance.

Detransitioning slowly off hormones and trying a life as boy as an experiment seems to me a good why to find out what will make you happy as an individual. I want you to remember that if you decide male is NOT you the return feels euforic to have full confidence I know who I am.

You are very beautiful , Happy Birthday! I want you to know who you are as an individual. Only clearing your thoughts can you know who that is. Thinking about it will block you.
I love and care for you to do what is best for you.
Aloha,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,pm me anytime.

[AnitaLife]

Sorry you're going through that Vanna  I know this isn't going to help matters really, but I transitioned over 20 years ago (and had SRS 16 years ago), and I still have many of the exact same thoughts and fears you're having now, and pretty much always have. For me, they never went away. And not to toot my own horn, but pretty much since the beginning i've passed almost completely and have had pretty much everything handed to me (all my surgeries, therapy, etc. were payed for by my parents). I have days when I do wish I could go back, and see if I could've done things differently, but then I realize, since i've had SRS and so many other plastic surgeries, etc, it would be pretty much impossible. And then again, I have days when I love being the person I am and thank God for my transition.

Take this for what it's worth, and hope you make the right decision.

[ClaireA]

Maybe you should give it a few more days to think about it before you go off HRT. Or a week. I mean, does it REALLY make sense to undo years of work over just 5 days?

I know I say this a lot, but I spent five years on and off self-medding HRT. At first, I'd have a day or three like yours, and I'd quickly stop HRT - I was in my mid teens, and I was still unsure about myself, so I'd run at the first sign of trouble. As things would go, a few months later, good old GID would strike back with a vengeance, and I'd be mad that I stopped and I'd go back on. It took maybe 3 or 4 times of doing this to realize that maybe I SHOULDN'T stop at the smallest emotional blip. And, once I realized that, I'd have a day or a week where I'd have a doubt or something, but I'd keep on the hormones and a week later I was like, "Wow. I'm glad that I didn't stop over THAT." Every time it'd seem silly, and in retrospect I was very happy that I didn't stop.

It wasn't foolproof, and there still was a time or two where I stopped anyway (I hadn't really accepted myself until last July), but now every time I have a doubt, I just give it some time, and within a week it all seems silly, and I look back and say, "Wow. I'm glad that I didn't stop over THAT."

You're a girl. You're taking female hormones. You do realize that most women's lives are emotional rollercoasters, right?

[Joelene9]

Vanna,
  Whoa, slow down!  SRS is a drastic change and so is detransistioning as someone mentioned in this thread.  You are having the doubts that every woman has in her life when they hit a major crossroad in life.  Wait a little while more before deciding on the detransisitioning.  The hormones are doing their job here.  Sometimes it will take 2 years after using HRT for those major mood swings with a lot of doubts to take effect.  I haven't had those yet, but my Texas sister warned me in her soft drawl "you will"!   
  I love your musical compositions!    Hugs and God bless.
  Joelene

[Just Kate]

So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 

I had similar feelings - you aren't alone.  I made the decision to detransition and have found ways to live contently with my condition.  I wrote more extensively about my transition here (http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-transition.html) it might be enlightening for you considering some of the things you've said.

If you have more questions, feel free to ask them here or PM me.  Regardless I'd like to hear more from you - if for nothing else than to help you work out how you really feel and to help you come to the right decision for you - whatever it is.

EDIT: Ok I read the rest and we have A LOT in common about the way we both felt during transition.  I miss being a girl too, even today, but I know that I am living the best life for me now.  Perhaps if I didn't feel so much like I was mired in deceit while living as a female, it would have been easier to remain transitioned.

It would be nice to compare notes to be honest.  I hope to hear more from you.

[japple]

Vanna,

You're not detransitioning, you're just escaping a notion of transition..the weight of the gender binary.  How much of your pain is body dysphoria and how much is the views of gender created by a patriarchal society.  You say that you are worried about what boys do and what girls do.  What is what you feel and what is what is abstractly created? Transsexual people can be incredibly sexist.

There is something about you that is so innate that makes you want to be female. That is something you are probably born with.  A difference in body and identity. What is all the other stuff? All that stuff is created by society.  You say that you might be a feminine boy, but is that possible?   

You said that your drs said you were stable but you're not.  You ran away and you hide.  You're not confident. You transitioned without being able to say you're trans.   Before jumping back and forth between girl and boy, try being what you are.  You're trans.  People will love you accept you for that.  You will be able to have genuine relationships when you don't feel like you're lying.  You're allowing yourself to be judged.  You're a product of the society you live in, but you're just not going to fit with society's gender binary.  Not as a stealth trans woman hiding, not as a feminine boy.  So find how you do fit with society.  Most of that is going to come with being really honest...then you'll know that people accept you for what you are.  People who date you will accept you.  Friends will accept you. 

[Kaisa]

My advice, don't do it.
I started therapy over 2 years ago and blew it of. It looked indeed easier at the time but in the long run it only caused harm. I felt so bad my imunesystem didn't work and I was basicaly sick all the time and the fact that not being able to be myself brought my alcoholism to the next level. I guess it is all stressful but unless you want to become a misserable drunk I wouldn't recomand stoping the transition.

[Just Kate]

I don't have much original to add, but I wanted to say I agree completely with Sean. I think this is something that requires a lot of soul-searching before ANY move is made, and if detransition is truly right for you then you should go for it. I am a little concerned about the people who seem to be saying unequivocally that you should go for it (transition), that you are truly female. Yes, you may be suffering from GID-related stresses and fears, from wanting to fit into a gender binary...but you also might not be female. Only you can know that. But these concerns are there for a reason, they are telling you something. What that something is ultimately only you know.

Yup, only the OP knows.  I always found it a little hypocritical when we insist someone IS or ISN'T something (like female, male, transgendered, etc) when we ourselves struggle with the problem of others constantly trying to define us as well.  We should be extra careful not to do the same thing.

[Carlita]

Vanna ... Poor you, wrestling with such a tough choice! I really hope you find the way that makes you happiest.

I cannot possibly say what the best thing for you to do is, still less tell you how you should feel. But perhaps I can suggest a few tools you could use to help you make your decision. I think the main thing is to try and figure out the degree to which gender-feelings are the cause of your present unhappiness ... For example, just moving all that way and starting a new life in a new place with new people would be very stressful for anyone, let alone someone who is transitioning at the same time. Any girl in your position would wonder, 'Have I done the right thing, should I go home?' My point is, it could be the geographical and social change that is causing as much disturbance as the gender change.

Another issue: time. You spent most of your life as a boy, albeit a very feminine one. You were used to your old body, your old way of life, your old friends. Now you're having to start from scratch as a girl. It will surely take time to get as settled in your new life as you were in your old. So I guess the question is: will this get better, or am I always going to feel this way? It's very hard to answer that at the best of times, and when we're unhappy it's even harder, because it's so difficult to imagine not feeling bad. But things can get better ... maybe you should give them a chance?

Personally, i big issue I have, which I sense a little in you too, is trying to figure out the relationship between my gender and my depression. I've wrestled with this all my life. Sometimes I think I that my GID is just a reaction to unhappiness or feelings of low-self-worth: kind of a fantasy of a better life, free from the problems that bug me as a man. So the cure for that would be to improve my self-esteem as a man to make the feelings of GID go away ... Other times I think it's the other way around: I have been unhappy for years and years because I have tried to suppress my GID. So the cure for that would be to transition.

If I were you, I'd sit down and try to work through all the issues which bugged me to see what's at the root of them. I'd also try to talk to someone. Just as we should never transition without proper professional counselling from a therapist who really has a good professional understanding of GID, so it's probably wise not to DE-transition without a little help first.

One final thing ... I don't know what you see in the mirror. But I know what I see in those pictures: a pretty, happy, totally feminine young woman. She has a lovely smile. Why don't you give that girl a little more time? You never know, she may have a much better life ahead of her than you can now imagine ...

Good luck and God bless in whatever you decide x

[angiejuly]

This thread has info in it now that needs to stay stiky on top. I feel all who transition or are thinking of it should read here. I wish I was on a forum before I detransitioned.

[n00bsWithBoobs]

Hi Vanna,

     I'm really sorry to hear about your distress. I know that the mental anguish can be so completely overwhelming. I know you think detransitioning is the way to go and that you'd rather end up being seen as a feminine boy with more friends than a woman without, but in my opinion, that's doing with actions what you don't want to do with words. Instead of telling people up front that you're "special", you avoid the subject. Instead of taking the final step to become a woman, one that will have a large degree of permanence, you find yourself overcome with the fact that you weren't born this way. These are understandable thoughts and I'm not trying to diminish or discourage your choices in any way. However, may I try making an alternative suggestion? Instead of hiding who you are from everyone, try owning it. You are a beautiful, young transwoman. If people have a problem with that, then it's their problem, not yours. I realize this is akin to a second "coming out", but you'd be surprised how accepting and loving people really can be.

     You say that you've always thought of yourself as a woman, that you've been happiest as a woman. I think this is a key part of the situation you're going through. It would break my heart to hear that you detransitioned into a form you hated so that you could feel more normal, more carefree, and have more friends. I say this from personal experience. When I was 22, I started transitioning, but got scared when noticeable changes started occurring and stopped. At one point, I called a friend in the middle of the night and couldn't stop bawling, saying that "no one would ever love me." I still continued to be what I thought myself as me (still dressed in a lot of feminine clothing despite not passing), went through several relationships, etc, and thought that I loved being me, but hated feeling so ostracized for my choices. So, I went "straight". I grew a beard, got married, wore lots of plaid, became a "man's man". Honestly, I had more friends and felt outwardly normal, but I hated myself so much on the inside. The sense of wrongness about my body never, ever went away. It was so overwhelming. Everything ended up falling apart, not strictly due to my TG issues, but a small portion may have played a role. My wife and I are separated now and I'm finally ready to admit to myself that transitioning is what I needed all along. Owning that, being open and honest with people I meet, making new friends without the question of who I am and what my goals are has freed me immensely. It's not an easy journey, but I'm so much happier now.

     Vanna, I truly hope you can find some balance and happiness, no matter what your decision is. To put things in perspective in a way that I think will help, but won't tell you which path is right, I'd suggest reading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff. Taoism as a philosophy has helped me along throughout the years in most things I do. Maybe it'll help. I wish you all the best, hon.

[MarinaM]

IA, I totally slipped, I forgot that you do identify as transsexual. Oops!

I don't have much original to add, but I wanted to say I agree completely with Sean. I think this is something that requires a lot of soul-searching before ANY move is made, and if detransition is truly right for you then you should go for it. I am a little concerned about the people who seem to be saying unequivocally that you should go for it (transition), that you are truly female. Yes, you may be suffering from GID-related stresses and fears, from wanting to fit into a gender binary...but you also might not be female. Only you can know that. But these concerns are there for a reason, they are telling you something. What that something is ultimately only you know.

Hit the nail on the head with that one Caleb  It could be quite possible you are a female who likes to present androgynously, or you could be a male that can't succeed in a man's world, and feels more comfortable identifying with women. You could also be situated solidly in between male and female - just some lovely human being that struggles with such a black and white society. Legally, you have to pick one, which is important because of things like not wanting to get sent to the wrong type of prison should you do something wrong (heaven forbid); you may need your body to be a certain way, but your gender expression doesn't really need to be explained to anyone.

I found comfort in the term Trans Woman as an identifier for several complicated reasons. That identifier has to be also accompanied by pure female. Female first, trans woman second. The traditional definitions of "man" and "woman" are things I just have trouble with period, but I find I need to be physically female for my sanity. I'm developing an attitude of "I'm female, I'm special, yes, but if you need to go deeper and try to fit me into some binary / non binary box I really don't have time for you. I've been searching for something that fits better to no avail for over two decades. On with life."

[niamh]

To give my two cent I wouldn't recommend detransition as an immediate action. I think that would be an unwise decision. I imagine that you are very confused, lonely and feel like your head is so crowded. Give things time to settle. You could experiment with being more andro, trying to find those parts of your yourself that are non-female which you want to express. Play with them.

From reading your post it seems to me that you are a very attractive young woman who has been largely successful in her transition but who feels trapped into the transition mentality and hasn't any contacts outside of work. What might help is trying to put the issue of transness aside for a while and focus on the non-trans aspects of your personality and character. Hobbies, interests, past-times...Maybe you could take up a new language or a muscial instrument. Start to draw and write. Make new friends outside of work.

If you are trying to escape being trans starting a new transition process is the exact opposite of what you want to do. You are a woman and a nice way of looking at yourself is as a woman with a trans history. Maybe make peace with yourself by being a tomboyish woman. I would advise against taking T as a first course of action. Going by your post it seems the last thing that you want to do.

You have made it to the other side. As you said yourself, you love being a woman and know that you are one. Most cis-women do not try and frame all their daily actions in terms some guide of womanhood. People are people. You made it and have been successful. Now just work on being the PERSON you are meant to be.

[Kim 526]

Hi Vanna, I was hasty about detransitioning. Take your time deciding. Find your truth. Regrets are no fun. Take care, Kim

[WarHeadJoe3]

Vanna, a few things to notice are how your "friends" abandoned you after you came out. true friends would still be there for you. if being a woman makes you happy, dont detransition just because people accept you. i accept you as a woman, i see you as nothing more, nothing less. youre beautiful. its sad that we live in a narrowminded world, but for your sake, dont do it. you say you always identify as female, so stay as such. theres no point in suffering because these "friends" only want you as a guy. these arent friends. if they were they would care and understand. I Love You, and we all love you.

[LifeInNeon]

Vanna, you've got a lot more freedom than you think you do when it comes to determining whether something is sufficiently feminine. In fact, by virtue of how hard it would be for anyone to see you as a guy I think it's time to let your guard down on acting "appropriately feminine." It sounds like you're the only one still looking over your shoulder about that.

In fact, I dare say that you could do all the things you think you could only do as an effeminate guy without de-transitioning and no one in their right mind would ever mistake you for a guy.

Judging yourself so harshly is bound to bring these feelings up. Anything must seem better than the interrogation you're subjecting yourself to.

I've had people trying to tell me to just be an effeminate guy, to challenge society's gender roles without transitioning, and so on. But at my core I'm not an effeminate guy. All it would be is a slightly less dishonest but still false facade. From the sounds of what you're saying, you feel it would be the same way for you too. But I can't answer that question for you.

It feels like you are on the cusp of truly finding comfort with yourself. That may sound strange, but you've hit a low point. Your mind and body can only stay at that low point for so long before it physically won't let you stay upset about it anymore. The demands of adult life, and even the simple things like eating and drinking start to force their way to the foreground again, and even if all it feels like is going through the motions at first, and that you don't really care, you're on the slow road back out of the hole you're in.

If you're willing to consider de-transitioning, why not give it a go putting no effort into passing, or feminine behavior? That way you're just doing the things you want to do and feel like doing.

No one is holding a gun to your head to have SRS. Take all the time you need to decide. At least if you stay on HRT while you sort through this with those who support you, you won't have lost any ground.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i also want to mention that it sounds like your putting gender first and foremost in everything. it sounds like you have the mentality that the "more female" you can become, the more fulfillment and happiness you will get. i've found that to not be true at all. looking at your pictures, you are undeniably beautful, and if i saw you walking past me in some public area, i would not wonder if you were trans, but i would just see a very beautiful woman. the main point here is, you shouldn't make gender your project. it's all about everything you are, and everything you have to offer. i've really ended up realizing that i have to let go of my attachment to my gender identity and think of myself as a person first. if someone tells you they don't think you are being "woman enough" does that really mean anything? no, it means nothing. not only that, but being a woman is something you just are. if that's the only thing you limit yourself to be as a person, that's about as fulfilling as raw meat.

[VannaSiamese]

Sorry I have taken so long to reply... I just decided to spend some time away from the internet and really think about things.
I feel I can better articulate my feelings now, and pinpoint more of what is disturbing me so bad.  I have become completely obsessed with transitioning... perfecting an image that isn't exactly me.  I feel more that I am an androgynous person who favors the feminine side, but I have been putting so much emphasis on being an overly feminine woman.  I spend so much time focusing on myself that I fail to see the big picture anymore.   I have devoted every spare second of energy and every spare dollar I have towards transitioning...and this obsession I'm having isn't healthy for me.
I tried to figure out where exactly things went wrong, and I think I have a good starting place.  In 2008 I moved to Oregon and met a friend who also wanted to transition.  We became very best friends and spent every second together... and both began transitioning together.  In a way we would compete with each other, but I preferred to be more neutral and she preferred to be more feminine.  One night after we got off the phone (and everything seemed ok), she hung herself in her closet.  Ever since that moment I have sorta lost site of my transition, and gone in a direction that wasn't exactly suiting for me. 
I feel I am just a really androgynous person... I really prefer not to be seen as male or female, but I would much rather prefer female because of how feminine I already am.  So, the last few days I have been binding my boobs down, not wearing makeup and wearing sorta neutral cloths.  Everyone still thinks I'm a woman, but I feel comfortable with myself.  At this point I don't care anymore if people think I'm a girl or a boy... and I think that's the right step at this point.  I am still slowly taking myself off hormones to see how I feel, but starting them again is always an option.  Although, I don't anticipate that I will start them again if I actually do get off.
I've cried everyday for the last week because I feel sad that I am moving away from the last two years of my life.  However, I feel relieved that the nightmare in my head is over.  It's sort of a double edged sword, but I think this is the right move for me at this moment.
This morning I got out of the shower and I saw myself for who I really am... I looked in the mirror at my face and I didn't think male or female.  I saw my shoulders and didn't think "too broad for a girl."  Instead I looked at them as beautiful shoulders.   I saw my round hips and didn't think "female hips" or my legs and think "too bony for dresses..."  I simply saw my body.  Instead of seeing myself as man or female, I saw myself as a beautiful person, and that was one of the best feelings I've had in a long time.
I am honestly terrified about getting of hormones, because that means I'll age as a man again... but maybe that is what I need.  I guess only time will tell =)  You all have no idea how much I appreciate each of your responses... I read every word of every response and all I can say is wow... where else could I get this kind of support?  You all truly care about me, and I care about you =)
No matter what happens, boy, girl or super androgynous person that people scratch their head at and wait to see which bathroom it goes into... I will always be one of you.. and that's something I also realized today =)

[MarinaM]

I'm glad you got some needed help. I got interesting insight from this thread as well. The last thing we want is an unhappy person becoming a non person. Take time to figure yourself out, relax and feel free to open up any respectful way wish here, friend.

[Janet_Girl]

I now understand why you feel the way you do.  The loss of someone that close, that quick, can put you in a tail spin of questioning.

Many of us has this perfection of what we should be.  Whether we think of our selves as male or female, we seek out that space where we are happy.  My g/f is perfectly happy if she is all dolled up female, or in a more masculine fashion.  She is still her.  And that is what I love about her.  She is happy with who she is.

We all seek that, regardless if we are transsexual or Cis.  Just to be happy with our selves.  I still seek that happiness.  But for me it is totally to be female.  I will never go back to being male, because that would kill me.  I am a woman.  I just want to reveal in that for a bit.