New Here, and Maybe Needing Some Advice.

[Nel]

Hey all, just signed up a few minutes ago after browsing the forums. c: I'd like to post my story and possibly get some advice from others going through the same experiences.

First off I married my husband knowing exactly what he wanted in his future. We've been married nearly 2 years now, and we're both 21 right now, so we're still very young. We have a 15 month old daughter, and I'm hoping she'll be able to grow up accepting that her first daddy- and hopefully "second" mommy, will always be around and supportive despite any gender changes.

As this are right now, my husband (I'm not sure how I should be referring, but since hes had no treatments I'll just refer to him as his technical gender for this specific post), is only crossdressing with the hopes of being a real female in the future. But due to financials it probably won't be for a couple years. I've know that he wanted to be a full blown female for over 3 years now, and I worked hard on accepting it. I do love him, at all costs, but the road is very rough, and I constantly have to try and accommodate his wishes. Occasionally I'll break down, then go through the guilt process because of it not even a day later.

Recently, after many lies about his female friends (My insecurities, then him hiding them and e-mailing them secretly and neglecting me and his daughter so he could hold conversations with them till 2 am every night), he stopped completely wearing his panties, or trying to act out his favored role as a female. After years of him wearing panties, for him to suddenly stop and for my laundry to contain boxers again, I got scared. For the past 2-3 weeks he started up again, stronger than ever; and last night he wanted to actually go out and be dressed up in a bikini, everything (We planned the beach for a date). But after he addressed issues with me not even a day earlier about how he didn't want to because people would be close minded and try to fight him, and I mean he ranted this into my head, now I felt really afraid for him to go out dressed like a girl. And the night didn't happen after the mixture of emotions came out, I still wanted to go, I really did, but he started to push me doing his make up on top of it, and what not, and it just felt way too heavy.

I do my best to be supportive, despite the fact I really don't find women sexually attractive, I'm sure if its him, his personality, I'll manage.

I just don't know what to do with all these emotions, I can't talk to anyone we know, he doesn't want to be out to the world; only to me at the moment. And I'm feeling the pressure of having to sacrifice all my clothes to someone who is easily 10 pant sizes larger than me, of having to sometimes find my make up in a mess because it was rifted through, or my bras tossed on the floor.

Which is one of my biggest problems, I have nothing to myself now. I've know for years, he told me, we bought him his own things but he still goes through mine. In fact his feminine closet is about the same size as mine, yet I'm asked to share mine on top of buying him more. And hes very messy about leaving his things around, we live with his mother due to our finances and we sometimes use her bathroom to shower if the other is taken, or she has the only working tub so if we want to relax we'll use it. And he'll leave dirty panties and bras laying everywhere for me to take the blame. His sister's old room, now a spare room, is littered with girl clothes and panties cause he likes to use the mirror in there, and our own room often has the same mess tossed around. And I get the glares from it all.

I had to move all my clothes to the spare room's closet because we couldn't find any of it in our walk-in closet, there's a lot but it never seems like enough to him. Most of my efforts of painting his nails, doing his skin, helping him pick out panties make him smile, but in a moment he'll turn around and want more, because what I did wasn't enough to satisfy him for even a moment so we could relax and be a couple, even with him all gussied up.

I'm just feeling confused, hurt, and useless, and very much ranting. >.<;

Any advice, at all? I feel like no matter what I do if he doesn't get the full blown effect in 5 minutes he just doesn't feel happy.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Nel,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

[envie]

Dear Nel,

I am sorry to hear you have such struggles. I am not sure what kind of advice to give to you. Your description of your partner gives me an impression that s/he needs to grow up, become an adult and start taking responsibilities for hir actions. Your partner seems to suffer from so called postponed adolescence.
I am also under impression that you need to establish your own boundaries regarding hir behavior and enforce them. There seems to be great imbalance within your partnership that goes beyond hir transgender identity. You two may want to look into topics like mutual respect, selfishness, compromise and instant gratification issues.


best of luck!

[annette]

Hi Nel

First of all, a very heartwarming welcome dear.
I agree with Envie that your partner should take responsibility like an adult.
It looks to me that you're resposible for the happiness of your partner and that's not right.

I think your partner should talk with a therapist to make things clear.
If your partner wants to be a woman s/he can do her own nails, so do you and so do I.
You're a partner and on the same level and nobody's slave.

I hope the two of you can manage the situation.

Hugs
Annette

[Ruby]

Hi Nel and welcome,

I am a spouse also. My partner transitioned this last year, after 20 years of marriage as a male. We have a good relationship; we keep each other happy.

You do not have to share your clothes, and it sounds to me like you should not. He is not respecting your belongings. He is not respecting your relationship with your mother-in-law if she thinks you are the one being a slob. He needs to understand that your support of him is not to be taken for granted. Most wives are not able to make the transition from a heterosexual relationship to a sam-sex relationship. If you are even slightly willing to try, that is unusual. It sounds like you are quite a bit more than slightly willing, and if he is not appreciating that fact, then he definitely has some growing up to do! You may not be able to afford a counselor though that would be best. Perhaps there is a transgender support group in your area? Some even have sessions for spouses, but a couples session is what you really need, and that is rare.

Both of you need to realize that it is very stressful to live "in the closet" the way you are doing right now. It's not that you necessarily "should" come out of the closet yet, but you need to be gentle with each other (and especially him with you since he is the one who has created this closet that you BOTH live in) and try to come up with some kind of plan for how to come out. It makes a huge difference in one's ability to feel less lonely.

Best of luck to you, wishing you well.
Ruby