I finally discovered my panacea last year with regard to my GID in the form of taking estrogen. It was literally like a magic pill against the feelings of hopelessness and despair that accompany my GID. I could never really explain how it worked, but I knew it did.
Since my diagnosis of my blood disease I've been unable to take hormones and to my understanding this is a permanent change. I've had to go back to my previous understanding of coping techniques that were all cognitive and limiting my exposure to triggers. It works very well - I would say that by comparison I cope WAAAAY better than most TS I know, but it still gets to me sometimes - moreso at work right now.
I guess I'm just starting to feel a little hopeless that after tasting the equivalent of heaven with regard to my GID that I may never be that "well" again. I feel depressed that after spending so many years working and working on preparing myself to handle my GID in a constructive way without using transition, that when I finally found the answer, it was snatched away from me.
I will need to find another way to cope. I know the one thing that brings me the most relief from my GID is to be perceived by others are female or at least, not as male. I haven't decided how I will go about this, but I'm working on something, and I think it will involve work.
Since having come back from my medical leave at work, lots of things have changed. While I was gone my department hired 4 new people (there were only 2 of us). All 4 are girls making 5 girls and me! Additionally, since Amanda (my wife who works above me) was promoted, she asked that I stop being so open about my GID as it might hurt her career prospects (somehow). I agreed that I wouldn't tell the new people at work (or at least I'd hold off as long as possible).
So of course as soon as I get to work, discussion naturally continues in female directions with them talking to me in terms of "well since you are the only 'guy' here, what do you think about x". Of course it sets off my GID which was getting me crazy. Work was a safe haven but I felt like I couldn't be myself again. In the end I was wrong, I was hiding myself for fear my past would come out in normal conversation, but I decided I'd be a lot better off just to be myself and be honest up to the point where I mention I have GID.
Well it didn't take long before all the girls are like, "you are one of us" and "I don't even see you as a guy" etc. I was asked flat out if I liked men. I told them yes followed up with, but I love Amanda. They all note Amanda's tough exterior and figure it all works out because of our yin and yang. Either way, being honest has really helped out. We are all dying our hair together next week after work for example and having a movie watching night.
Kinda reminds me when I was living as a girl actually - except I'm physically male now.
Each day they see me more and more as female and all I have to do is be myself so it has been a great help considering my lack of ability to take hormones. I'll have to tell you how things go.
