Crossroad Crisis?

[JessicaH]

Ok, the last month in particular has been such a whirlwind of progress, firsts, friends and more. It has been so exciting and I have become so much more comfortable being myself around others en femme and I have come out to a few long time friends. Sounds good so far?

Yesterday, I suddenly got scared. My heart rate increased and I have had this feeling of impending "doom" like my whole world could just collapse around me at any second. My hands are shaking and I just have a total "fight or flight" feeling. I am scared to move forward but TERRIFIED not to. It's like the gender disphoria that I have fought back for so long is DEMANDING to be addressed. I am for the first time in my life thinking of telling my wife and I keep running different scenarios of how it will play out in my head and most dont end well.

I started watching a movie called "NORMAL" with my friend Valerie last night which is about a middle age man in a small town in the corn belt who finally snaps and he transitions. I found it really depressing and maybe to many things just hit too close to home. I asked Valerie if we could finish the movie another time as it was just too emotionally draining to continue.


We ended up watching "Different for girls", which was a really good British movie about a post op M2F who runs into someone from here past and they struggle with different isues and struggle to form a relationship. I liked it and it almost made me cry a few times as well as made me angry and hurt a few times. Stacy and Valerie give this film a Two (well manicured) thumbs up!

Back to my original subject, I think I need to talk to a professional at this point. I always thout gendder therapists were just a silly formality that people like us were forced to deal with to get the medical help that we need but I'm starting to think I really do need to talk to  professional...

[erocse]

  I can really relate as to how you are feeling right now. As others have said, "transition is like riding a roller coaster". You  kinda have an idea what to expect while waiting in line. But as soon as you sit down there is that OMG , I wanta get off, I made a mistake I don't wanta ride this thing..... And as with a real roller coaster the big WOW part on the ride is always at the beginning.  The good news is that it does settle down after awhile , to the point where it is enjoyable. 

   I can't tell you how you should tell your wife. I can only tell you as time goes on it will get nearly impossible to keep it from her. I will also add this, you can never be sure how it will turn out. In my case, almost across the board. The people I thought would stand by me, have not. And the ones I thought would not, have. In fact  I have been so surprised by the support and friendship that has been offered to me lately. It just goes to show, "you never know"

   I have not seen the movie "normal" yet. I want to though. And since you and Valerie have given "Different for Girls" such a nice thumbs up. (well manicured, that's such a nice picture ). I will look for that one. You are a very nice person and I am glad you have friends to hang out with.

  I know you are very concerned about your wives feelings and if she will except you or how she will react. I hope and wish for you that it goes better then you have imagined.

   Hugs, Erocse

[Lacey Lynne]

@ StacyBeaumont:

Stacy, Lord Almighty, can I related to EXACTLY how you feel and EXACTLY what you face right now, just like Erocse said above.  This much I can assure you of, your GID feelings will never go away, especially if they haven't yet at your age.  Erocse is in her mid-to-late-40s.  I'm in my mid-50s.  Many of us on here are in that age range.  We're living proof that your gender-dysphoric feelings will NOT just go away.  You're at The Nexus, The Rubicon, The Road Less Traveled ... the Point of Great Decision.  We've all been there.

Like Erocse said, you will surely lose much, but you will also gain much ... unexpectedly and wonderfully so.  Indeed, I've met WONDERFUL people right here on Susan's Place ... many of us have.  My two best friends from high school and college days are on board with my transition, though they have quite an adjustment to make, but they ARE making it.  Sadly (... very sadly ...), my marriage too will eventually end, according to my wife.  However, she and I will remain the best of friends. 

Although I'm not exactly sure, from reading your posts where you helped young Paula_Itoi get out and about and socialize, I take it that you either have your own business or have decent economic means.  Excellent.  That being said, I highly recommend that you see a GENDER COUNSELOR ... a clinical psychologist who specializes in addressing gender-related issues. 

Hmmm, let's see ... StacyBeaumont ... are we talking Beaumont, Texas here, perchance?  I'm sure that DFW and the bigger cities WILL have gender counselors who are experienced and good.  You may find an excellent counselor right there in Beaumont or thereabouts.  Hope so.  Honey, see a counselor like that.  Mine was awesome, and I love (... in an agape (... friendship ...) sense of the word ...) her to this day.  Sure, she authorized my starting on HRT, but she helped me A LOT!

Concentrate on ... THE NEXT STEP ... each step of the way.  Does it feel right?  Sure, you're scared.  We're all scared.  That's normal.  Way down deep inside, how does taking that next step make you feel ... honestly ... you'll KNOW.  Go with that feeling.   Some folks just want to "girl up" and wear the clothes, have a blast with it and go back to being guys most of the time.  Cross-dressers.  When you start wanting to BE a girl, bing!  Transsexual.  That's me.  That's Erocse.  That's most of us on here.  If you get that feeling of wanting to BE a girl more than once, you'll get it again, and again, and again ... ad infinitum.  Time to seek a gender counselor out and start therapy.

My best to you, Stacy.  The help you gave to young Paula_Itoi is amazing.  God, what a wonderful thing for you to do.  You're a real "Mensch" ... a beautiful soul.  Peace & Happiness to you.   

@ Erocse:

Your light totally shines as a female!  Miserable male to fabulous female!  That's beautiful!   

[JessicaH]

I ALWAYS wanted to be a girl. It always makes me sad when I have to "man up" for work or for others that I have to play this charade with. In a way I'm lucky that I live alone 5 days a week but it sucks too and I have done this since September 2005. 300 miles home on friday night and 300 back on sunday night...

I do have a lot of things going for me as I have a good job and some great friends. I also have a hobby that has turned into a side business that I could possibly do full time and make a lot more money than where I work but then I'd have to go buy my own insurance. This side business is also helping me help others because I am training/hiring someone who is transitioning who can really use the income and I can honestly use the help. Kinda tired of working 45 hours a week, driving 18 hours a week and then doing another 30 hours of side work.

I'm hoping that things will work out where I can hire Paula as well but it just depends on sales. At this point, I have a buyer that will buy EVERYTHING I can produce and still begging for more. I am about 300 units behind right now on the initial order and I'm just hoping to get caught up by Christmas. One more thing to stress about! lol

I dont think there are any gender therapists in Beaumont and Houston/Galveston is 90 miles away. There are several by my house in North Dallas but I am only there on weekends and I'm not ready to explain a therapist to my wife just yet. My friend Valerie recomended her therapist in Galveston to me today but I'm not sure how I could fit the time in to go that far for an appointment. I just hope this panicked feeling will go away in a few days and I hope it doesn't give way to depression.

If I didn't have to worry about others, it would be such an easy decision as what to do. I wouldn't have to think twice about it!

[ValerieNelson]

Yes, I saw, "Different for Girls," first then watched, "Normal," since another T-Girl recommended it. I liked, "Different for Girls," more than, "Normal," plus the T-Girl agreed out of the two that "Different for Girls," lifted your spirits more. HBO did a good job making, "Normal," and it's a good movie. . .still at times the movie hits on emotions.


@StacyBeaumont: While there are no Gender Therapists in Beaumont, if need be we can at least find a good Psychologist, Therapist that at least has some experience with Gender issues. I'll take the liberty and start looking around. Will send ya a list of findings for ya to look at, though you will have to make the appointment and share with them your insurance info. I will just call and ask if the Doctor is experienced with Gender Dysphoria, and get a feel if they see it as a neuroendocrinological condition they can only cured by transitioning and therapy with transitioning, vs. ya know you have a sexual orientation crisis, insane, or possessed by a demon. . . experienced the latter many times before just heading to Galveston to my Gender Therapist.

[Colleen Ireland]

@StacyBeaumont: Girl, you are preaching to the choir!  I bet we ALL experience what you're going through at some time or other.  YES, you need to see a therapist, it will work WONDERS.  Trust me on this.  And yes, it is really best if they have at least some training and/or experience with LGBT clients/issues, but if you could even find an open-minded (not backward or pig-headed) psychologist to work with, that could do you a world of good.  Sounds like your main need in therapy is like mine - get you through the (emotional) rough spots, help you with things like coming out to various people (wife), etc.  Not really so much around "the question", which it seems for you is pretty well settled.  You don't sound at all confused on that point.  Just maybe need a little help figuring out exactly how you want to go forward.  HELL yes - we can ALL relate to that!  You are among family.  And, honey, you are gorgeous!

[Jillieann Rose]

Stacy,
Listen to Colleen she is on the money

Girl, you are preaching to the choir!  I bet we ALL experience what you're going through at some time or other.  YES, you need to see a therapist, it will work WONDERS.  Trust me on this.  And yes, it is really best if they have at least some training and/or experience with LGBT clients/issues, but if you could even find an open-minded (not backward or pig-headed) psychologist to work with, that could do you a world of good.  Sounds like your main need in therapy is like mine - get you through the (emotional) rough spots, help you with things like coming out to various people (wife), etc.  Not really so much around "the question", which it seems for you is pretty well settled.  You don't sound at all confused on that point.  Just maybe need a little help figuring out exactly how you want to go forward.  HELL yes - we can ALL relate to that!  You are among family.

Can't say anymore than that.
Hugs hope your feeling better.
Jillieann

[Colleen Ireland]

 

[Eva Marie]

I have also had these recurring feelings, stacy. If you have a way to see a therapist - do it. They do not go away.

As far as the wife - i know you've got a tough road there. But, what happens if she finds out before you tell her? Do you think it will be worse than if you just told her outright (ie: the whole "keeping secrets" thing)?

My thoughts are with you, dear.

[JessicaH]

I have enjoyed the two therapy sessions to far and I an very greatful to have found an AWESOME therapist who is probably the only WPATH member within a 100 miles. I do have to give Valerie credit for finding her and I have to admit that she ended up being far more qualified than either of us imagined.

My therapist emailed me yesterday and let me know that she found a local doctor that would be happy to take over any of my medical needs. My therapist told him I am self medicating and that she wanted me to get medically supervised. I'm not sure if she is going to write "a letter" or if the doctor is planning on an "informed consent" plan. She talked to him personally so I'm guessing that they worked that out.

That reminds me, I need to call and make an appointment! lol

[Jillieann Rose]

Stacy,
It sounds like you are heading in the right direction.
That so good to hear hon.
As far as telling your wife have your therapist help you on how and when.
I did it on my own with out any help and it blew up in my face.
I'm still dealing with the consequence from it.
And that was 3 years ago.
Anyway good for you girl.
Jillieann

[JessicaH]

I talked about it with the therapist but she seems fine with me not rushing it. The pressure mounts daily to tell her though and I'm not sure how much longer before I start getting a few questions and comments about things that are "different". I guess I'm playing the scenarios over and over in my head which is starting to make the once unthinkable, probable.

There is so much going on in my life right now that I can't say a word about to her and that is hard. I want to tell her but I know that these triumphs and milestones would be viewed as defeats and tombstones. My gain at her expense..ugh! If it weren't for crushing her, this would actually be ok and maybe even fun.

I guess is I just wait a bit, the GID will just create enough pressure that telling her is less painfull than fighting the GID? Isn't that how all this really works anyways? We may think we have choices but aren't most of our choices made when the discomfort of inaction exceeds the discomfort of action? 

It;s like GID is a river and trying to fight it is like building a dam. No matter how big and strong the dam is made, the river will simply keep rising until it goes over or destroys the obstacle (dam). Seems like it would be a lot less catostrophic had I not ever built the first dam. Damn... lol.

[Randi]

Hi Stacy, Like has been said lots of us share your situation in one way or another. You can hide changes for a while but eventually they will show. My breasts are growing again and now I get the looks so no more hiding for me-whew, what a relief. One less thing to keep to myself. I can hide things from superficial acquaintences & co-workers but not family & I no longer try to. My wife has good days and bad but she deals with each new day and tells me she loves me-priceless. I am still not comfortable with the situation but overall-Life Is Good. It could always be worse and I am thankful for things as they are right now.
A good therapist is worth her/his weight in gold.

Randi