Am I wrong?

[ConfusedandScared]

I'm hoping maybe someone here can help me. I'm 25yrs old and in the process of revamping my entire life already to try and leave home. My 20 boyfriend and I haven't been together for even a year yet. We met online and just connected and I found myself just falling head over heels in love with him before I even knew what he looked like. He makes my heart flutter. I've never been a very secure or open person. It took us a long time to meet each other in person and when I finally did I was so very happy I could hardly contain myself. I know full well right now we're very attracted to each other physically. He'd mentioned before that he liked to wear some womens clothing but that never bothered me. Nevertheless he's my first love, the first person I ever kissed. Yesterday, he came out and told me when he gets a job he's looking into hormone treatment, and possibly other things in the future. I initially tried to rationalize thinking if I made him happy before he could still be happy with me as he is. He could dress however he wanted and what bother it gave me I could overlook because I love him. But with these new developments, although I logically realize he can't help it and rationally believe there's nothing wrong with him at all, emotionally I'm a wreck. I had dreams of us getting married, having kids together, and being with him in every sense of the word.  I come from catholic and methodist background, heavily ingrained in the Mexican culture, and my grandfather is a preacher. Deviance is not something well tolerated. People pretend my cousin doesn't even exist because she got pregnant out of wedlock. I was even made to promise not to have sex before I was married. I find myself wanting to be with him anyway but now  I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep, and I'm absolutely terrified of having to watch the man I fell in love with slowly disappear before my eyes. Watching as his body, face, voice, and temperament change slowly removing all but the vaguest sense of the man I fell in love with in the first place and having no say in the matter.  I'm scared of continuing this relationship and waking up years from now estranged from my family and laying next to a woman who's more a friend to me then anything. All the while I'm just as against ending this relationship because for the first time in my life I've found someone who makes me happy. I'm so confused because I love him dearly and want so desperately for him to be happy and I want so much to be with him no matter what. Yet, I'm not attracted to women in the least and know that when, if, he goes through with it I won't be physically attracted to him anymore and even if I am that there's no guarantee he'll still be attracted to me and I know that every dream I had of us is shattered and should he go through with it will never come true. I don't know how I'd even begin to explain things to my family, and moreso my homophobe brother. Worse he brought up the fact he doesn't want a monogamous relationship. I want him to be happy but it feels like either I'm happy or he's happy because I don't think I can be happy like that. Am I shallow for thinking I can't do this? For fearing being thought of as a lesbian or having to explain our relationship to my nephew? Am I selfish for wanting him to stay how he is? Does not wanting to be with him after but wanting him now mean my love just not strong enough?

[cynthialee]

I can tottaly empathise with your situation. Although we have diferant life circumstances we do share haveing the person we love changing. My spouse although s/he has no intention of getting any surgeries s/he is ussing male hormones. This is changing my spouse from a very girly girl to a very masculine person.
When I was first told s/he was going to do this I was very upset and was not happy about it. (but I never said as much. I kept it too myself.)

Life went on and I eventually just got ussed to things. It stoped bothering me. I adjusted and now I activly support my spouse.

However...
It worked for us because we are both bisexual. You obviously do not have that going for you. If you are not capable of being with a woman then you will not be able to be with your mate obviously. She is a girl. Even if she never changes and stays in a male body you are with a woman. She thinks like a girl, and reacts to her world as a girl. That will come out in a thousand ways. As she is now thinking about hormones it is just a matter of time. Even if she detransitions she is very likely to eventually transition. (or suicide....)

Even if you do not have what it takes to remain in a sexual relationship many women stay with a transitioning spouse and they become best friends/ex lovers/roomates. Sometimes it becomes a life long relationship that is bennificial to both parties.

As to your social worries....
I understand the pressures on a person to adhere to local customs and morals. Even when they are overly repressive. But we can not live our lives for others. How many members of your family would change something in their lives simply because you threatened to shut them out or or simply voicing your disaproval?
Not a one I would wager.
You have to live for you and no one else. Because if you are living for someone else, they get two lives and you get none. (make sense?)

There is no shame in moving on if that is what you need to do. I would suggest that you do a long think and then make some descisions. You only just learned of this recently. Stew on it for a few days.

Anyways....
Let us know how things turn out regardless of the result.

Hugz,
Cynthia Lee

[spacial]

Worse he brought up the fact he doesn't want a monogamous relationship. I want him to be happy but it feels like either I'm happy or he's happy because I don't think I can be happy like that. Am I shallow for thinking I can't do this? For fearing being thought of as a lesbian or having to explain our relationship to my nephew? Am I selfish for wanting him to stay how he is? Does not wanting to be with him after but wanting him now mean my love just not strong enough?

This is really a very confsing time for you. I must say I'm really pleased you are sticking to your resolve, not to have sex before marriage.

But finding the right partner is about testing the waters. Not having sex.

It is right and proper that you should meet boys.

It is right and proper that you should make freinds with some, even have special friends.

It is right and proper that you should continue to maintain your standards.

Some relationships will be fun, some will break your heart. That, I'm sorry to say, is the way life is, for everyone. But we survive. 

Now, you have a good friend with this guy. He sounds nice. Let's face it, his lifestyle and background isn't really the same as yours, so this is probably going to be one of those relationships whihc, in future years, you'll think about with a smile.

But getting your heart broken, now and again, while it hurts for a while, makes you a wiser and stronger person. A better person.

[ToriJo]

special: +1 on what you said.

I'd also add that I can't say I've pleased everyone in my life, but that I'm glad I didn't let other people tell me who was okay to love and who wasn't.  I'd encourage people to be open to love, although I know it is a scary thing to do - it inevitably means you'll walk away from people you want in your life.  It all comes down to choices.  For me, my marriage is my most important relationship with another human - everyone else has to come second to her.  If I wasn't able to do that, I don't think I'd be ready for marriage.  But that doesn't make it easy.  (I also respect that others feel differently about marriage - if you do, that's fine - go with your convictions, not mine)

That said, if you can't agree with a partner on what a relationship should look like - a monogamous vs. an open relationship, for instance - then that may be a big enough reason to call it off *for you*.

I'd also say to be honest.  Chances are you are setting yourself up for a big letdown if you expect your partner to continue to live as male, so I'd offer the thought that you may want to just think of that possibility as essentially inevitable.  If you wouldn't be able to love your partner as a woman, it's probably best to be honest about that and move on (for both of you).

Finally, as far as having kids, there are options there - you can still have biological kids with your partner.  But that's a ways down the road it sounds like - you have to figure out what is important in a relationship for you.

I sincerely wish you success in this - you don't have any easy choice here.  Relationships and love are some of the most difficult things we can ever become involved in.  Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your own needs.