Newbie here and really needing support/advice/encouragement.

[redgal]

Hello everyone,

I just joined today and I'm really thankful I found this forum and I really need some advice and support.

Forgive me if I don't use the right terms he/she etc but I am really new to this and have a lot to learn. Also, sorry this is going to be long but I have no-one I can talk to about this and need to sort through it all.

Three days ago my partner ( male) of 14 years ( married 12 years) told me that he was a transexual and was planning on transitioning to a female ( including surgery). We have one daughter ( 3 years old) and I am 15 weeks pregnant with our second child after 8 miscarriages. We are both 38 years old and live in a very small, rural community in northern BC, Canada. I am originally British and all my family live back there.

I love my partner beyond measure. He has helped me through some huge personal struggles over the last few years and we have been through so much together and have come out the other side stronger than ever. We communicate really well but this he kept silent about how he really felt. We have talked about him being quite fem but he did not hint at how trapped he has always felt. After talking about it over the weekend,   I have no doubt at all that he is a female at heart. He has always been such caring and gentle and the very qualities I like about him ( ability to talk about his feelings and the way he interacts with our daughter and so on) are more female-orientated. All my girlfriends think I am as lucky as I feel. I do not doubt that this is the right thing for him to do. I want to be with him, support him and continue our lives together as a married couple. I have no issue with him being transexual. I don't blame him or think anything of it other than it is right for him. But, I do wish my acceptance make it easier to cope with!

I have to admit that I am really struggling with coming to terms with this and I am scared. I do not blame him, I totally blame society but nonetheless I am scared. It is a shock that I wasn't quite prepared for even though it does make sense. We had plans which now have to fall by the wayside. I am open-minded and liberal but we do not come from families who are and I suspect that both families will not necessarily be okay with this and in fact will probably shun us (there are some very religious members of his family that will see this as 'wrong'). We live in a very conservative, small town where there is no support for LGBT folks and we will probably be the only LGBT couple so we have already discussed that  relocating will probably be necessary once his surgery is done yet we have worked so hard to build up friends here and a life for ourselves and I hate major cities even though they tend to be more open-minded. I am worried how our children will cope - the prejudices they will face and whether it will be tough on them. We have raised our daughter with very liberal, open-minded views but it still concerns me that suddenly 'daddy' will no longer be 'daddy' but a mommy etc etc.

Last year I came to terms with the fact that I am bisexual - it just so happens the person I fell in love with was male and I am not interested in another partner. Nor did I feel the need to announce it to friends/family though I did become more active about LGBT rights etc and don't necessarily hide it. It did not change anything in our life or our relationship. So, of course I am in support of someone being who they really want to be but this changes our life in ways that are, well, huge. At the same time, I feel guilty for having all these feelings, sense of loss, resentment, sadness, fear etc I kind of thought that being bi-sexual would make this easier to cope with, maybe it will in time but right now it doesn't seem to be helping

He told me that he is not attracted to men and will still be attracted to women. He tells me that he loves me and still want to be with me -  "we are best friends" but has not given me much reassurance that we will still be together once he makes the transition. All he keeps telling me is that he will be changing a lot. I am also worried - what if I no longer find him sexually attractive - what is going to happen to us? I am also worried about my partner - what he will have to go through and worry for him. He tells me that he is not concerned about what his family will think but I wonder if that will change once he tells them and has to deal with their reactions and the reactions of society.

My partner seems to be coping really well. He has already begun to get books, go online, do research about transitioning and planned dates etc. I have not really been involved in the decision-making on this but he does - seem  a lot happier since he told me. However he does consider this 'no big deal' but I feel as though life as we knew it has ended! Am I crazy?

I have been through a lot of losses recently and feel as though this is another one. I have no intention of leaving him and every intention of staying with him and supporting him but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly sad and scared. I feel really isolated - I can't talk to anyone about this and there seems to be a serious lack of resources for partners and I have no-idea what to do with all these big mixes of emotions ( probably due also to pregnancy hormones etc) and I have been hiding in the house since we talked because I am liable to cry at any given moment.

There are in fact, many positive things I am looking forward to but those I can deal with - right now what keeps me awake at night are these concerns.

Any help, advice, support or just a friendly word would be very much appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Redgal

[cynthialee]

This is a repost from a thread I posted many months ago but I thought it was fitting to your questions too repost.

In the past I have posted occasionaly about the issues I have had with having a transitioning spouse. (inspite of being in transition myself, <what a hypocrite eh?>)

Anyways....
I just wanted to say to any spouses out there that if you stay, life normalizes.
Not that the spouse ceases transition but eventually things become more normal. The growing beard or breasts become normal and a non issue. Visual changes start to level out and eventualy your mate takes on an apearance that doesn't really change as rapidly.

I find myself feeling thrill and excitement caresing my mates developing beard, moustache and muscles. Sharing this second puberty with eachother is in some ways like being teenagers again.

My point is that if you do not keep focusing on what you are loosing when your spouse is transitioning and instead, allow it, and embrace it, a spouses transition can be an elightening and joyful time for both parties.
Even if you are loosing your sexual partner you can still find joy in your spouses transition. Think about it....Your best friend is healing and becomeing the person they were meant to be. They are becoming a better person. That alone can be the greatest of motivators if you allow it too be.

I admit still miss 'Sara' but Sevan is ALOT more fun to share my life with and much better adjusted to life than 'she' was.  Besides ze truely is the same person as before, same sense of humor and same memories same morals....Just improved in nearly every way.

[redgal]

Thanks so much cynthialee  - yup, the word hypocrite often runs through my own mind. My partner has always adjusted to the changes that I have made to our lives and now here I am...anyway thank you. I am looking forward to the new normal

[Serra]

Firstly, does your partner want to be referred to by feminine or masculine pronouns?  I would ask; it really varies from person to person. And being called by the correct one can make a world of difference.
Don't be afraid to admit you're struggling.  This is big!  The step right now is to decide if your partner is worth possibly losing contact with your families.  The most important thing to remember is that it may not be, for you.  This is okay! Some people value families more, some their partner.  Neither choice is right or wrong.  And who knows, they might surprise you.  My family did.  I would like to point out though that with one daughter at 3 and the next not yet born, if your partner begins transitioning soon they will likely not even remember "Daddy."  And children can be remarkably accepting.
Has your partner given you any reason to believe they don't want to stay with you post-transition?  Not knowing your situation, I don't know of any general reasons why they would want to leave, since they're still attracted to women.
It may not be a big deal to your partner, since they've had plenty of time to mull it over in their head, but you should make it clear that yes, this is a big deal!  It's lifechanging.  And you should most definitely be involved in planning what goes on.  You're married, you go into this stuff together. Just remember that it's their body, and you can't ever know exactly how someone feels, so be respectful of their wishes, especially involving speed of transitioning.  Something I see a lot is people saying that their partners want them to "slow down.". Don't forget that they've waited as long as they've been alive.  That's plenty slow.
Last, but definitely not least, WELCOME!  We're friends here. Don't forget to poke your head into the MtF forum and get a glimpse into what your partner is going through.  And if you ever need reassurance, or advice, don't be afraid to ask.  /hugs!

[redgal]

Okay, well what a difference a day ( and a very long, honest discussion) makes. I am feeling much better about it all and actually very positive! My partner asked that I be honest with him so I told him my concerns and we talked and talked and slowly my fears subsided and I felt  much better. Not to say that I think it will be easy but just that I feel much stronger and in a better place to handle what might come up. He gave me lots of reassurrance that he wants to be with me and me with him. Our family ( as in him, me and our kids) is the most important relationship and we want to keep it that way. My family will, I think be shocked but supportive as they really love him and all that he has helped me through. In fact, I am guessing they will be surprised that it is not me since I have always been a tomboy until I had our daughter, which bought out the feminine side of me big time, lol. We are both less concerned what his family think but at the end of the day it is our family that matters the most.

I have been reading a lot about it all and it really helps to know what he is going through. He swings between feeling ' let's do this NOW' and 'let's not do it at all'. I know he is in a tough spot and I want to offer him the very best support I can.

Serra, thank you so much for your reply. He really appreciated being asked what he prefers in terms of feminine or masculine pronouns and since he is still uncertain, he prefers the masculine; and  I feel like I am respecting his needs much more. And I totally understood how my asking him slow down when he has spent a lifetime with a body that he doesn't feel good in is actually unfair. He has also spent a lifetime putting everyone else's needs before his own and now this is his turn to do what is right for him and I want to help him feel less guilty about doing so. He has been through thick and thin with me and I am so lucky to have him in my life I am not ready to give that up no matter what. I think it also helps that I am bisexual and have no issues with all that side of things. I also tried my best to do a bit of shopping today with him in mind and the 'baby steps' we have talked about and it felt actually pretty good.

So, we begin this new journey. I am so thankful I have found this wonderful place of support since I know there will be days when we feel stronger than others and need support and info. I also pointed him here and we are both finding it helpful.  Thanks so much