Hello & Nervous

[Tony]

This is my first post and I am not sure how to introduce myself.  I am 25 and need advise.  I am a male that has been hiding for a while now.  I have slipped a few times and have been caught by my wife.  I have been giving a lot of excuses but soon I wont have anymore.  I have been known as the outcast when I was in school and I have been able to talk to females easier than talking to males.  I also have more female friends than male friends.  I dont consider myself as gay but I do consider myself as different.  Any advise would be helpful.  I am glad to see that there are forums such as this one that are helpful and supportive.  Thank You in advance.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Tony,

Welcome to Susan's.  This is a great place to hang out.  Here you can relax, be yourself, meet new people, and exchange ideas and opinions on the various issues discussed here.  You will also find that there is a wealth of information to digest, depending on who you are.  So browse around and enjoy your stay.

So let me start with asking you a couple of questions of my own to help us out...

This is my first post and I am not sure how to introduce myself.

Well we know you are a 25 year old male,  who has been hiding for a while.    Can you expand on this a little, what are you hiding from ? and what do you need advice on?  We would hate to assume the wrong thing, as we've done that before 

My first guess would be that you are a CD and need advice on telling your wife?  Close?

Enjoy your stay and chat later,

Steph

[Tony]

I am hiding this from everyone that I know; including family, friends, and wife.  I love to cross dress but I am confinded to either my bathroom or bedroom.  I do this in these rooms so that my neighbors and 2 year old daughter doesnt see me.  When she naps, I have some time to dress and put makeup on but I dont get a chance to walk around with out thinking I will get caught.  I have been thinking of an easy way for me to tell my wife and or everyone else.  I have thought about the up coming halloween.  This way I will have an excuse if it goes the wrong way.  If it blows up in my face I dont know what I would do.  More info will come later when I feel more comfortable.  This is too soon for me.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there Tony,

Your problem is experienced by many CDs.  To be truthful there is no easy way to tell your wife straight out.  To start with you have to carefully weigh the pros and cons of telling her, and most importantly what the consequences may be when you do, and if can you live with them.  Reactions can range from outright acceptance to outright rejection that may end your marriage

One way is to ease both of you into this and gauge her response.  When you are being intimate you could try suggesting that you both switch roles where she dresses as the man and you dress as the woman and see how that goes, and expand from there.  This would require that you both buy cloths of the opposite sex, unless you are both the same size and can switch cloths.  Of course going slowly is the key, don't try too much too soon.

Going out on Halloween, your other idea will also work as well.  Again you could get your wife involved and go to a Halloween party where she dresses the husband and you dress as the wife.   It's innocent and anyone on the outside would be none the wiser.

Hopes this helps a little, but I'm sure that you will get other advice as well.

Chat later,

Steph

[Tony]

Thanks for your advise.  I really appreciate it.  This all started out when I was at a young age.  Probably when I was in the 2nd grade or so.  I dont remember much but my mother would tell me that I would tape myself down and away so it was hidden out of site.  Some time later I do recall a few time when I was at my aunts house, I would put on her shoes and walk around.  A bit after that, my mother told me that according to the doctor, before I was born, I was to be a girl.  To my parents suprize I was actually a boy.  The more I thought about it the more it makes sense.  After that I dressed more like a girl I would put on panty hose under my pants and walk around and I started to try makeup.  With what I have grew up with and the actions that I had done, it all starting to make more sense.  I still wonder what I should do to this day.  I know if I start telling people this I would break a lot of friendships and ties to my family except with my mother.   I can see myself being a woman but I cant really say much about being a man or being with a man.  Dressed as a woman I fell very comfortable. 

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Tony,

May be your next step before you go any further would be to see a therapist and talk with them about these issues you have.  They won't tell you what to do but they will guide you to a decision, and then it would be up to you to determine what is best for you.

Believe me seeing a therapist is not as scary as it sounds, and judging by what you have just said it would be an important step to take to sort out who, and what you are.  Therapy doesn't have to be a long term venture, just long enough to get your head around the issues.  Of course therapy is not the be all and end to to every issue but it is a good place to start.  You never know you could find out that you don't really need a therapist, and that's cool too.

If you haven't done so, check out the information in the Wiki and see what you can find, and give all this some thought.  Just remember that dressing like a woman is not the same as being a woman.  Telling your wife that you like to dress in women's clothing is a lot different from telling her that you want to be a woman, although the reaction may be the same.

Chat later,

Steph

[Shelley]

Hi Tony.

I also am a CD who has been cross dressing for almost fourty years. I too take the opportunity to dress in private so that my children and my wife don't see. My wife recently found out about me cross dressing and while she accepts that that is the way I am she has no wish to see me en femme or take part in that part of my life.

Steph is right about the range of acceptance. I believed for a while that I had lost my wife over her discovery. I was lucky that I did not but still had to make some sacrifices to be able to stay with her. At the time I was working up to telling my wife and was pretty convinced that she knew. I was wrong, very wrong and her reaction was much stronger than I expected.

Some may disagree with my thinking here but I believe that there are few people who have to know about your CDing. Your partner however is probably one that does have to know. My wife was very concerned that I was going to transition and that was something that I was able to reassure her I was not inclined to do. This could change down the track but as I am in my fourties I expect not.

One thing you need to decide for your self is where on the spectrum of TG do you sit. You may be a CD, you may wish to live as a woman without surgery or you may wish to ultimately transition. I suggest that you will find this site very helpful in that discovery process. As I read the experiences of others I try on those experiences to see whether they fit me. Some do and some don't but by undergoing the process I gain a greater understanding of where I am and what I am.

What ever the destination that your journey ultimately takes you to Tony I wish you good luck and welcome you to this lovely place called Susans. You will find it a very friendly and enlightening place to be.

Shelley

[Cassandra]

Hi Tony,

Welcome to Susan's. Looks like you are off to a good start and have received some very good advice from Steph and some excellent insight from Shelley who has been were you are and learned the hard way about telling and not telling. One thing neither said is make sure you keep your browser clean. Shelley's wife found out from her bowser history files. Not a good way to go.

With a little bit of caution you should be able to visit here and intereact without risking discovery. So, fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Tony]

I have been thinking about cookies and how to keep it under wraps.  I use FireFox Mozilla as a web browser and the history is very easy to clean and keep track.  The cookies/history dont even register under Internet Explorer.  This makes it easy to hide information.  Currently I am going on a diet to loose some weight.  I am overweight by a lot and found the weight lose section.  I am really likeing this site and opening up more.  For what I see and read I am more comfortable.  Thank you for advice and today I will be doing more ready to see where I sit with CD and TG.  Thank you all for your support and comments, its nice to talk about this and get it off my chest.

[Shelley]

Hi again Tony,

I posted this when my wife found out. As Cassie said a lesson was learned.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,799.0.html

I think you will find it interesting. My reactions relate to what my wife was saying to me. I am however one of the lucky few it doesn't always work out this way as many here will attest.

You will also find a heap of interesting and informative stuff in the WIKI.

Shelley 

P.S. Note all the support I got from my friends here at Susans I don't knowwhat I would have done without it.

[Tony]

Today I decided to load an avatar of myself.  I chose my eyes because eyes can tell you everything.  I am still nervous but everytime I am here I loosen up.  I have also added a little saying under my avatar.  As far as Physology goes, isnt that what we are doing here?  We all take in advise and exchange our thought.  I know I am reaching for a far out limb. 

More about myself.  I have recently graduated from Baker College, located in Cadillac MI, with my Associates degree in Electronic Engineering of Technology.  This poses either a problem or a solution.  I really want to get my career started in another state but my wife doesnt.  She has told me that if I was to get a job in an other state that she wouldnt move with me.  This is good and bad.  If I was to move I could start off fresh some where else but then my marrage would be over.  Pro and Con right?  If it comes down to it then I will tell my wife everthing and come clean and be happy that I am not hiding anything anymore.  This would probably seal the deal of ending our marriage.  I know I should think like this but how the way it all feels.  I hate when my feelings come true, which is most of the time.  Time for me set back, read, and think. -----Tony

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Tony...

Pro and Con right?

RIGHT!

Time for me set back, read, and think

RIGHT again...  If you don't you could regret your decision for the rest of your life, and remember your decision will probably change the rest of your life.

Chat later

Steph

[michelle]

If your wife would really leave you if you moved to another state to get a job you loved,  I would not tell her about cross dressing yet until you have a deeper relationship,  because her response would probably be a lot stronger than that.

[Leigh]

  I would not tell her about cross dressing yet until you have a deeper relationship, because her response would probably be a lot stronger than that.

I agree the respose would be stronger, stronger as in "why didn't you tell me before.  Now I am with a person who wants to do WHAT?"  The reaction could be you haven't told me the truth about this, what else are you hiding?

I lied by omission most of my life.  Had I the opportunith for redoes, I would be up front and honest from day one.

[Shelley]

Hi Leigh,

Its almost as though you listened in on my discussions with my wife when she found out about me.

I never thought of it as lying by ommision but that's exactly how my wife saw it. Doesn't the "I can't trust you if you could keep this to yourself for so long" accusation hurt.

There is a danger of being up front from day one of being outed so it would appear that you could be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I also wonder if our relationship would have survived this revelation in the beginning as it has now. I think the strength of our relationship got us through.

Does the end justify the means, probably not. I know this much I wish I had told her before she found out.

Shelley

[Leigh]

Shelly

I have gone over every possible scenario that would have made my life and those connected with me easier/better.  If I had at least been honest with myself I would have been where I am years and years ago.

Tellling the truth at the start was one.  Not letting my inner fears beat me down.  Not letting society dictate how I shoud live my life.

The problem with being honest is that if a relationship goes bad, the knowlege could be used to harm you with family and everyone you interact with.  You pays your money and takes your chances I guess.

[Cassandra]

Nothing about our lives has ever been easy. It was a tough row to hoe before and it is a tough row to hoe after. It's true your damned if you do and damned if you don't. In point of fact though, shouldn't those we claim to love have the opportunity to say yea or nay before they become too vested in the relationship. Some of us who were not up front for whatever reasons have lucked out but time after time you here stories like Shelley's which did not turn out, alls well that ends well.

If your relationship begins on an honest footing isn't it better in the long run? If the other person doesn't want to get intimately involved with someone in our position why would they be any more inclined down the road? In fact they are even more furious for the lack of honesty. In the end honesty as always is the best policy.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Louise]

Tony,

There is no easy way to tell your wife.  I have been married for over 35 years and have three children, all of whom are now grown and living away from home.  I have been a crossdresser all my life (I am over 60) and until about six years ago I kept this very well hidden.  I only dressed when no one else was around.  I was miserable.  I felt guilty every time I dressed and swore I would never do it again.  But a few months later I just could not resist the urge to dress.  So, it is possible to keep this a secret from your wife--but there is a price to pay.  I told my wife about my crossdressing about six years ago--I wish I had done it earlier--it caused a lot of hurt--mostly because my wife felt that I had not been honest with her.  She was not put off by the crossdressing so much as by the lack of honesty.  We have gotten over this and she is now very accepting--within limits.  But we always had and continue to have a strong marriage.  We had tough times but we never would have thought about leaving one another.

From what you have said about your wife not wanting to relocate if you got a job in a new town, I would say that you and your wife may have more problems in your marriage than your crossdressing.  Ordinarily my advice would be to tell your wife.  She is likely to find out sooner or later anyway and it is best if she finds out from you.  But if you think your marriage may be on shaky ground this may not be the best time to tell her until you have worked on strengthening your relationship.  If you can't strengthen the marriage, then maybe you need to end it.  I would not suggest telling her about being CD as a way of ending it, however.  If she wants, she could use that against you.

Best wishes.

[AnneW]

Tony:  I was especially struck by your comment about looking at a job in another state, and your wife's reaction.

The same thing happened to me in my first marriage (cross-dressing was never an issue).  I was looking at a very good job offer far from my wife's parents.  She said that if I took the job she would not go with me.

At that point, I knew that her parents were really more important to her than I was.  I think that was be the beginning of the end to our marriage.

I just celebrated our 25th anniversary with my "new" wife who has known about Anne for at least 23 years of our marriage.  We have our up's and down's with this part of me, but overall, it has been great.

Good luck on your journey.

Anne