transition and my parental identity

[envie]

I've been running into this problem of being read as my 2 years old daughter's mother more and more. When her mom is with us then its less of an issue as people think I am my daughter's aunt as we look a like.
While it was kind of cool to start passing even on the playground now it feels like I am being pushed into the closet again.
There are a lot of advantages to passing but this is putting me into an awkward situation of having to lie or remain silent.
I'll have for instance  conversation with some other mom and she will start including me in the shared motherhood experience as someone who has been going literally through the same thing. I then have to make a choice to either come out and potentially destroy this nice inclusive conversation or remain silent or make up things which makes me feel really bad as I decided I was done pretending to be something I am not when I moved on with my transition. Then again I don't want to run into bathroom issues at the play field or community center by outing myself. Luckily no one has asked me yet about my birthing experience so i was able to navigate through conversation with general parental knowledge and experience. I know as my daughter gets older this will be less of an issue but I still have some years to go until then.
Does anyone have some experience or an Idea on how to handle this situation?

[Janet_Girl]

Look at it like this.  What if you had adopted her.  You would not know any of the experiences of being pregnant or giving birth.  If there is a chance these people might met her Mom, play up the aunt thing..  I would not tell anyone of your trans past, it isn't any of their business.

I have done the whole been a Mother, because people who knew me before, knew I had four grown children.  They would forget sometimes and we would be talking about be pregnant and giving birth.  I just used the experiences of my two ex wives to fill in the blanks.  Did I lie, or did just CYA?  If they think you are her Mom, that is their observation.  Just go with it.

Why would you want to raise up a problems you might get if you were open about your true relationship to daughter.  You are her parent, her your child.  If people assume that you are her Mom, then why blow their little image,

[envie]

I know technically it all makes sense what you are saying, but I thought when I finally started transitioning I would be able to just be myself.
Also while I lived as a male I used to CYA all the time and hoped that would be over now.

My daughter also calls me "papa" as she hears this all the time at home and I have been teaching her to call me by my name but she can't pronouns it yet.
I am only 6 months into full time and about one third into hair removal so I am still fearful of being read and get a bit nervous to play the mom role while possible being read by some one else out there as "not-women". This makes me always scanning for clues of how people out there see me so I can adjust my role accordingly but this can be really stressful. I just wished I could be for ones honest and be myself as I am not ashamed of my trans identity.

thanks anyway Janet Lynn for your input.

[Nero]

Hi Envie,
What is your relationship with her mom? Could you just be her mother's partner, the 'other mom'?

[envie]

Yeah the "other mom" would be good Idea but my still partner just didn't jump on my transitioning train and there is so much pain with my transition that asking her to loose "father" of her child would be just too much at the moment to handle after already loosing her husband.

My partner is supportive of my transition but she just could't find herself in it. We will be separating...

However I am positive I can teach my daughter eventually to call me mama "my name", it will just take some time as she is so young.

I guess my biggest issue regarding my parental role is the honesty. I somehow have to accept that honesty doesn't always meet the reality and I shouldn't feel guilty.
I also wished people would just see me and not start a relationship with their image of me.
People used to project their image of what kind of man I was and I started delivering , and now they started projecting what kind of woman I am and i am suppose to deliver on it as well. I'll always take the latter if I have to but it kind of leaves bitter taste.

[Nero]

You could say you are not the natural mother if being assumed to be bothers you. Or something like "Oh, I'm not her mother, but I am her parent. She has a mother.' They'll probably assume you are/were the mother's partner or some other arrangement.
And you're right, you shouldn't have to feel guilty for omitting information that outs you. You're the child's parent. Nobody needs to know more than that.

[envie]

thanks ForumAdmin,
I like this solution:

"Oh, I'm not her mother, but I am her parent. She has a mother' They'll probably assume you are/were the mother's partner or some other arrangement.

as it would buy me some time to get to know people better and most no one would dig deeper into my status immediately there after.

When you hang out with kids and kids' parents, eventually people like to know a little more about you. Just out of their sense for safety and comfort level.
I wouldn't want to get caught in a lie or trying to fudge my relationship to my daughter, or express some sort of discomfort as there is a great chance to be avoided by other parents. 

thanks again for your suggestions and help to brain storm this issue!

[Nero]

You're welcome. Hope it works out!