My confusion , identity , gender and sexuality

[myraey]

Hello people. This is my first post. I have been a long time reader though. I am a little confused and it bothers me.

At the moment I look like an average guy my age. I grow a beard currently. I have tried before to drift into the more girly side at times. I have crossdressed a little since my early childhood. I quit for very long periods and ignore it totally. It is not always a fun thing to do. Hassle , fear of being caught and other practical problems one can think of. And I am disappointed how I look and even clothes my size seem do not to fit well. So I have an inclination want to look feminine in some way. Though I am unactive at the time , I just don't bother atm. I remember this weird urge since early childhood.

I remember how I used to envy my mother at times. I did not have any sisters. And I remember when I was a little kid she would sometimes take me along with her. It gave me an fascinating view as an observer into a different world. At this time I sometimes befriended certain girls and liked just to talk with them and hang around with them. Fast forward 20 years these certain aspects do have evolved though I feel they are still there. So I could guess there is a mental element to this too. Yet just having plain boring everyday experiences as a female is seemingly not even possible for me...  Even sometimes people have at times commented on me thinking like a girl for some reason. I am not sure if that just comes from my fathers influence and upbringing . Though he is a man and seems to be happy about that... Yet at the same time my apartment looks like a dudes , my interests and hobbies are totally male dominated. Of course a lot of girls do that stuff. And also the upbringing and living causes that. A lot of people seem to be totally breaking down under the gender issues. Yet my seeming normalness makes me feel even more a freak.

I am not sure if I know as to what I should classify myself. I probably don't even need to. This forum has added to the understanding how people come in different types and sizes. I don't mean just sex but attraction in general and even just 'being' in general. I used to identify as totally straight , though with crossdressing as my inner most secret. I am still very much attracted mostly to girls. Though I totally envy their beauty and very often wish I could look like that. Nowadays with having more real life experience with various females (say in school , friends and life in general)
I now very often just think meh another girl and what a evil person she could be 

Very often I fantasized being with girls as a girl myself. I have had certain moments where I have thought how handsome a man was. Oh the horror.  Though attraction towards males (even if it is just tenth of a second) is not entirely a mental impossibility for me. I used to think maybe i am bi hetero at one point. Though I can't seem to fit into that model. Being only just simple gay is even less my thing. It is way simpler mentally for me. I would not have any issues with that. And there is still a strong curiosity of how it would be being a woman in a heterosexual relationship. And what I would do then  It totally goes over my capacity right now. And I would have issues with that. Even just on a theoretical level. I am in noway atleast knowingly negative against all that. I am very understanding of other people with this 

[Cirnobyl]

I know where you are at right now hun. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I used to take personality tests that'd say I was 80% female. Yet I still do lots of guy things and as for the sexuality, you'd be surprised how that can change. You're not alone in feeling like a 'freak'; we all tend to get cowed down by our family and surroundings, they put their expectations on us and we accept and internalize them without ever really realizing it. You also have to understand that Testosterone has a HUGE effect on you when you are young. We like to think of ourselves as independent, spiritual beings, not a series of chemical reactions. However, it is not so: hormones seriously affect your behavior.

My high level of femininity has always been at serious odds with my body and hormones. When I was 12 I began cross dressing. When I was 15 I saw this beautiful drawing of a girl slowly letting herself down onto another girls strap on. For some reason something in my brain started to click; I imagined myself in the girl on top sitting down on the strapon being penetrated rather then the one on bottom. It's only got worse from there . I just woke up from a really hot dream involving a mob boss going from wanting to kill me to wanting to marry me. But there were fluctuations for me too, after falling out with these two girls I liked because my damn testosterone got the better of me, I withdrew on myself pretty hard. I learned how to be a girl on the net and IRL I became a kind of ascetic athlete; I did long 50-100 miles touring rides on my bicycle. That kind of exercise burns up the stress from gender dysphoria and takes all day so you don't have to interact with other people. Eventually...I stopped. It was WAY to hard on my girly frame heheh. Recently, I realized that the reason I was seemed so 'masculine' was because of my lethargy and apathy that made me messy and 'like a guy'. And that apathy was directly related to my gender dysphoria. When I moved on my own !!!!!!! I just exploded; I started doing all kinds of feminine things to myself. Then finally I ordered my hormones and haven't looked back since. Been on hormones for over 3 weeks now and the changes in my mind and body are just wonderful.

If you can't afford therapy, I have some advice for you. Try living your life as a girl on the internet. Do it for a year or so. You will need to create your identity from the ground up, that means a new email and in today's web 2.0 you may need many new accounts that have you listed as a girl, with a female name. It helps to have a picture of a NORMAL looking girl that isn't anywhere else on the net to represent you if people ask for a pic. A friend of mine in a certain game used a picture of Denise Milani from Praque to describe how 'she' looks. It set off alarms right away. I figured out who the girl in the pic was by using a new thing called "Reverse Image Lookup". So you need to account for that and use a picture that hasn't been posted before. I haven't told him yet that I know she is a he because I know how that can hurt. Anyway, Learn to ERP (Erotic Role Play) like a girl and make a guy happy. There are some sex chat rooms where you can watch real girls do it. You may start out ERPing with 'girls' but you will soon find out they are otherwise, even the really girly ones. That will be a big challenge to your sexuality and might help you loosen up if its meant to be. If you can't grasp the subtlety of being a girl online, you may not be cut out for it. You may just be a fem guy which is not bad at all!

It can be a long journey to understand yourself, and the best way to do it is to put yourself in situations that challenge you. Getting out on your own can also be very liberating. You'd be surprised how much your subconscious can suppress your behavior when in the presence of friends/family.

[myraey]

Thank you for your long response. I will look into some of the things you mentioned. On the Internet I don't want to mislead anyone. Though I have to say in certain areas it is not even that important and people should expect that. Soul searching is such a long and complicated path. It is sometimes hard to know where to get started. I have very long suppressed all of this. There are no easy answers. I will try to push my boundaries in small steps. I think it is a faster path than dwelling in this. So know to explore my girlish side...

[myraey]

I thought long about this since yesterday. I have decided now to deal with this. Just deciding that seemingly dropped weight of my shoulders. Also it seems all the hidden stuff have hurt me more than I realize... I feel I am at square one with this. I wonder how it will get clearer for me , not like the last time all of this came up. I will spend some time alone. I have enough problems dealing with myself , other persons are a bit too complicated for me just right now.

So the crossdressing is out again. It feels entirely insignificant. Clothes are just fabrics sewn together anyway. I will still try to spend more time in them than before. It can't hurt in any case

I will also look at the more 'girly' (i am a little against such small stuff defining gender) things which would interested me but I haven't bothered with. That means some nice home decoration for me 

I am entirely clueless about the mental stuff. How to approach this. It is hidden in my head. Just social interactions and observations have been invaluable with this. The internet can be a giant waste of time, although it can be good tool. I have found real life friends and acquaintances that way. Maybe I will have some androgynous genderless presence somewhere. The pure me. Though no way I can seem how I might just spend time out in town as the other gender. It would be unbelivably fascinating 

More thinking to do.
I would be very thankful for comments and advice. 

[MarinaM]

I am entirely clueless about the mental stuff. How to approach this. It is hidden in my head. Just social interactions and observations have been invaluable with this. The internet can be a giant waste of time, although it can be good tool. I have found real life friends and acquaintances that way. Maybe I will have some androgynous genderless presence somewhere. The pure me. Though no way I can seem how I might just spend time out in town as the other gender. It would be unbelivably fascinating 

Seek out a gender therapist- I am not qualified to clear up your quandary. However, since you are posting in the MTF forum, and the tone of the thread has utterly confused and weirded me out, I feel like I need to help.

What you may be experiencing is the complete life stripping experience of cold logic. You seem to me to be a very black and white person, someone who is ambivalent towards the gender binary, but feels out of place without it. You should consult our Androgyne friends for identity advice:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html

I went through a mental state a little bit like yours, though I have to say (by the looks of my avatar ) I am quite binary- just androgynous day to day for now.

Take it in steps friend, you can do this slowly.

[SiobhanB]

Hi mlk,

Reading your post I could have been reading my biography.  Everything from the early childhood experiences (I was 5 when I first wanted to be a girl) to the catching myself thinking a guy looks handsome and thinking 'Whoa what the hell was THAT?!'.

I can't tell you what your gender condition is, in fact no-one can, all they can do is come up with a best guess diagnosis based on what you tell them.  For me, I found it got harder and harder to live with this secret and the desire...nay...need to be a girl became more all encompassing and occupied my thoughts more and more until it was all I could think about.  This made me truly miserable and I started thinking very bad thoughts about harming myself.  I sought out a gender therapist to start talking this through, it wasn't prohibitively expensive and while this was a scary step it was just talking.  One step at a time.

Fast forward to today, and all my family and friends know I am trans, and I start HRT next week.

That is not to say that this will be the path for you.  What I would say is that you need to accept this part of yourself and address it.  Empirical evidence suggests that these feelings will not go away, and in all likelihood will get stronger.  Just because you talk to a therapist doesn't mean you have to have SRS or go down what my therapist calls 'the trans pathway'.  You get to decide.

Most importantly, do NOT let these feelings get you down and start you thinking thoughts about self harm.

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Siobhan.

[myraey]

Hello ...
Btw EmmaM you look stunning , I am jealous right now

I am doing mostly fine at the moment. I do not think about self harm at this moment. Though this whole thing is occupying my mind currently. And I have like 20 years of hidden baggage because of that... . It is very frustrating not knowing how to deal with such major issues in an effective way. I find it all very cyclical, and now i think it is stronger than it has ever been. And no those years have not been totally miserable. The gender stuff was always there , all the time

I will look if I can organize some time with a gender therapist. I don't how I could be categorized atm , or if that is even possible. Either way I probably should have seen one a lot earlier. I absolutely do have gender issues.

Your responses have been very helpful for me ... You can't imagine how much

[MarinaM]

Thank you, but there's no need to be jealous- you too can view yourself as beautiful and in control.

Let yourself be you. I hope you get the help you need 

[SiobhanB]

I know...I'm jealous of EmmaM too, she's gorgeous!

I'm glad we have been helpful, we've all been there and it does help to get these thoughts out of your head and out into the open.  Your head is a lonely place to be when you're having thoughts that you can't share.

If you'd care to share roughly in the world you are there may be members on he who can recommend a good therapist or LGBT centre.

Stay in touch.

Siobhan.

[Jacelyn]

You are very normal. We like females, that's why we cross-dressed. We like females, that's why we desire to be female. When we become female [in body], then we may like or dislike males, it all depends on whether we still projecting ourselves as male while looking lustfully in male consciousness enjoying the mirror's reflection of our bodies in female mode, because there is a self-projection in the observer behind the mirror that actually get arose in male mode, this projection or its absence make the difference whether or not we will like man as partner.

Its all in the manner the mind handle itself, the main problem is in the habitual gender attraction, it is a force not easily handle without long term re-conditioning, otherwise, by selective in how the mind should focus as self-gender identity and the object-gender identity, it will functions just the way society's norm detects we should.

[MarinaM]

I know...I'm jealous of EmmaM too, she's gorgeous!

Where's the blushing icon? Y'all need to stop feeding my fire!

[myraey]

If you'd care to share roughly in the world you are there may be members on he who can recommend a good therapist or LGBT centre.

Stay in touch.

Siobhan.

I just say small north european country. Not that it matters but I don't know who else is reading. Small world ad such. This place is pretty okayish for transpeople. It is populated by real people and I assume there must be way worse places.

[annette]

Hi Mik

I'm also from a small european country,(Netherlands) what should you care or someone is reading this.
You're not a criminal or something, just a nice person with a problem.
Don't fear friend, just take a look or you could find some help from a therapist who knows something about genderproblems.
Now it seems you don't fit in with the men or the girls, I agree that's very confusing and I know the nasty feeling from long ago.
But there can be something done about it, you can have your own identity.

I hope I didn't scare you off with my living place, I'm here to support.

Hugs
Annette

[SiobhanB]

I just say small north european country. Not that it matters but I don't know who else is reading. Small world ad such. This place is pretty okayish for transpeople. It is populated by real people and I assume there must be way worse places.

Also remember that even if someone you knew did read this, and manage to identify you that you probably have more in common than you thought - otherwise what would they be doing on this forum?

Siobhan.

[Cindy]

Hi mik

Good advice from several gorgeous woman, OK you can all blush , and I do mean it.

I'm going to use a hate word but cannot really avoid it, transgender problems come in all shapes and sizes and in all colours and styles. There are people who you may identify with and in turn they may with you. You may find that dressing in feminine clothing is enough to keep you mentally content. You may find that you have an over riding driven urge to be fully female in all aspects of life, and this may develop over time and with acceptance of yourself. Then you may start to worry that you cannot look like such a stunning lady such as EmmaM, this is totally normal female jealousy . I can assure you that (most) men have not a clue of why woman take so much time, effort and money in looking their best; and it has very little to do with men .

You seem to be at the beginning of a journey, can I reiterate what SiobhanB said, talk to a therapist, it does not lead to automatic sex change surgery, sadly . It may even give you another direction in life.

Hugs

Cindy 

[jessevmp]

what cindy said.