How NOT to come out to your wife

[Ms Bev]

As some of you know, I've been on hrt for 24 months now, and have purposely transitioned slowly, late in life.  Like most, I had a desperate need to feel I belonged in the skin I inhabited, and with time, the feeling only became more intense.  Being a 50-something transitioner is not so bad.  Not anything I had feared.  It was only 7 months ago that I added the spiro.  And now, I look female, round and smooth, with some delightful new curves.
All this time, I was sure my wife had noticed the subtle, and not-so-subtle changes in my appearance, and knowing this, had no reason to talk openly about it, as long as she was okay with it.  I was sooo happy that everything was going so smoothly.  But some of the supposed hints I thought I got from her were nothing of the kind.
A conversation we were having one evening took a few unexpected turns, and within a few blinding seconds, we were unexpectedly having THE TALK.
I was terrified when I found myself on suddenly shifting earth, and was suddenly afraid that our decades-long marriage would suddenly crumble before my eyes.
She listened carefully, all the while asking questions, and very early on in the conversation assured me that our relationship was as deep and solid as ever.
I have to tell you, it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.  I can also assure you it was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.  I don't recommend impromptu coming out to any married TS.  This is something you have to know exactly how you plan to express yourself.  But for me, and her, it worked.  We also have a relationship based on careful communication, total comittment, and total dedication.
We talked, held each other, and cried buckets (me, mostly).  I had total acceptance, yet had to be re-assured, many times for a week.  It was exhausting for us both.
Happy days, the sun broke through the clouds of doom, and life is good.  As a matter of fact, life is great!  So many of the aspects of my personality that she always treasured, she finally understood as gender-based....not just gender-similar.  She accepts me for who, and what I am, and understands that I am inside, the same person she's always loved. 
There are more than a few new twists in our intimate times, but we are both learning, and feeling our way around joyfully
It's been a month and a half now since my coming out (geez I hate that expression!), and things are better than ever.  There are snags here and there, a few bumps in the road, but in the end, we are deeply in love, totally committed, and go forth proudly in the world, hand in hand.  Interesting.....our hands are about the same size.

[Brianna]

What is the NOT about in this thread? It sounds like it went well.

Mazel Tov,
Brilala

[Suzy]

OMG, you did HRT for two years without ever telling your wife until now?  That's amazing!

And I am really glad it went well for you.

Peace,
Kristi

[Gwen C]

Hello Bev,

I am very happy for you that the result turned out so wonderful. You have a lot to be thankful for.

I too am a late on-set 50 something TG, TS or whatever. In November I started working with a gender therapist and things are moving forward for HRT. So your success means a great deal to me and offers me hope and encouragement.

So, congratulations and thank you for sharing.

I wish all the best to you, your wife and everyone you love.

Gwen

[Kimberly]

OMG, you did HRT for two years without ever telling your wife until now?  That's amazing!

An not very nice to her, and in my opinion very much failing in the communication department.

Still, I am glad you survived the situation Bev.

[Ms Bev]

OMG, you did HRT for two years without ever telling your wife until now?  That's amazing!

An not very nice to her, and in my opinion very much failing in the communication department.

I showed the preview to her before I posted it, and she thought it was wonderful.  Some of us have other issues in our lives that we choose not to share with anyone else.  The truth is, 2 years ago, there were extenuating circumstances I won't go into, that did not allow me to discuss this with her.  You're entitled to your opinion, of course.

[Kimberly]

OMG, you did HRT for two years without ever telling your wife until now?  That's amazing!

An not very nice to her, and in my opinion very much failing in the communication department.

I showed the preview to her before I posted it, and she thought it was wonderful.  Some of us have other issues in our lives that we choose not to share with anyone else.  The truth is, 2 years ago, there were extenuating circumstances I won't go into, that did not allow me to discuss this with her.  You're entitled to your opinion, of course.

Of course.

I mean no disrespect but you must understand my SO was the FIRST (literally) person I told when I realized what I was. An yes I am single now, entirely because she wants a MAN in her life. An I would not dream of doing anything different. In my opinion it is a disservice to do anything else. But yes, my life is different from everyone else's and none of us operate the same way.

But as has been mentioned, my opinion.

[Kim]

My wife was my first as well. If not for her love and support this would be soo much more difficult. I feel this is the last thing she or any wife would expect so to assume she knows without telling her direct is wrong. At least it turned out for you and I am very glad to hear that.
                                                      Kim   

[Steph]

I'm very happy that your "Coming out" turned out went well, and that the relationship with your wife seems to be as strong as ever.  However I have to agree with Kimberly though.  You are lucky that it went as well as it did.  Considering the closeness and devotion you apparently have for your wife, I find it amazing that you were able to keep the fact that you were on HRT for two years from her.  And I guess you were lucky that you didn't have complications from HRT that would have needed to be hidden from her.

It looks like you dodged a bullet and I'm glad of that, and I hope that you both continue to be happy.

Steph

[Melissa]

We also have a relationship based on careful communication...

All this time, I was sure my wife had noticed the subtle, and not-so-subtle changes in my appearance, and knowing this, had no reason to talk openly about it...

Um yeah, that demonstrates communication.

Like the Kims, my wife was also the first person I told.  We contemplated staying together for a while and she uses female pronouns perfectly and for the most part has been fairly supportive of me.  Eventually we decided to split.  She wanted a man and there were things I felt stifled from doing being in a marriage and I was also happy to leave it.  Now for the most part our relations ship tends to be related to phases of the moon in how she treats me (or maybe it's related to when I get paid ).  So results can vary.

Melissa

[Nikki_W]

My wife was my first as well. If not for her love and support this would be soo much more difficult. I feel this is the last thing she or any wife would expect so to assume she knows without telling her direct is wrong. At least it turned out for you and I am very glad to hear that.

Same with my SO.

[Sheila]

Bev,
I'm glad it turned out OK for you. You had the odds against you on that one, but you have the love of your wife with you. So that was very nice. I know I told my wife the minute I was diagnost. I had told her years before that I was a ->-bleeped-<-, the only term I knew at the time, and that I liked to dress in womans clothes. I knew at the time I was actually female but I knew that changing genders was never going to happen and so being a ->-bleeped-<- was good enough for me. That was until I had a mental break down  in my late forties. That was when I was told about GID. Well, long story short, everything turned out ok and we still love each other, actually better than before. Our communication is a lot better and our sense of friendship is great. So, I'm happy for you, Bev, and I hope your marriage will last a lot longer.
Sheila

[Owen]

Wow you were on HRT for this long and did'nt tell. I'm glad to here it is sucsseful and that the HRT has you looking so great. I too am a late bloomer 47 years old but not to late as I was told. I'm not on HRT yet and have yet to find a good gender therepist. I saw a therepist for a few months but she was not specalized for gender issues and I stopped after I got laid off. Soon as I can find a decent paying job I will seek out a gender therepist again. I can't wait to get started. But I know I'll have to come to terms as far as coming out to my family. My mom especially.   Good luck Bev.


Linda Ann

Love being female

[KarenLyn]

OMG, you did HRT for two years without ever telling your wife until now?  That's amazing!

And I am really glad it went well for you.

Peace,
Kristi

Not so amazing. Prior to my coming out, my wife hadn't seen me naked for years. (Obviously, ours wasn't a particularly good marriage.)


Karen Lyn      

[SusanK]

Sorry to add my voice to the choir. I hope it continues to go better, and hopefully with better communication now(?), however, I still feel she may feel betrayed by your lack of honesty with your transistion. At the later stages in life and marriages, it's a bigger gamble to hide something, and it's unfair to the spouse, as they have a right to have choices. What choices have you given her now?  I don't want to be harsh, and I only ask you to step inside her shoes for awhile and think how you would react. What would you do and say? What would you expect in your life with a different person?

I learned the hard way in my only marriage the one thing you have between you isn't love but trust, and once broken, it won't go back into the bottle. Everything is forever changed, and all the love won't repair the hurt and pain to the heart and mind. You can only go on and build a new trust, but it's never as strong or durable.

Just my thoughts and opinions too. And I hope yours works out.

--Susan--