here to learn and get help for/with my trans son and self

[travsmom]

Hello,  I am the mother of four, the third of the four being born a son, who is 18 years old.  He and I have always been very close, even after he came out to me as gay about three years ago.  He has only recently came out to me as thinking he is transgender male to female, or genderqueer, as he bounces back and forth between the two, and even asexual, and doesn't feel any of the labels fit him accurately.  I am from a very southern baptist background and community. It has been  very difficult journey for the both of us, he in coming to terms with himself and coming out, and for me in accepting it, learning about it, and coming to terms with these issues.
   Now that I have accepted that my son is gay, I must accept that he is transgender.  I will manage to accept it because I love my son more than anything.  But, that doesn't mean that it is easy to change everything you have been taught and believed, even when you learn and realize it is wrong.  I have watched my son grow up. I know this was a not a choice.  I knew before he did that he was different.
  My problem is not really in my acceptance of him.  I am reading, asking, talking, trying to learn as much as I can. I truly believe knowledge and education is key in understanding, and also in getting others in our family and community to understand and accept.  My problem is in his attitude with me.  He and both recently attended an education related legislative summit with GLSEN, which is an organization I LOVE and strongly support. I feel that we grew so much while there, not just me in my understanding, but my son and I grew closer together.  Or so I thought. This summit also fueled a flame in me. I want to advocate for LGBTQ kids, teens, adults, PEOPLE.  I want effect change.  I am also an elementary teacher. I see the things that happen in our schools. I see the bullying that begins in third, fourth, and fifth grades.  I want to change it.  I never really saw myself as an advocate, just as Travis' mom, but now I realize I AM an advocate. I want kids to know they have  SAFE SPACE with me. I want to stop bullying for ANY reason, and I don't want others to suffer like my son has. 
  He is finishing his senior year in another state, 800 miles away from me, because when I made the decision to move back to my homestate, we thought it best for him to stay there. He is accepted there, finally, but not before he was bullied all through middle school in Kentucky and the first year of high school in Florida. I homeschooled him for a year before he was accepted into an arts high school, where he is now.    It has been a very difficult year for us both, but we have managed to grow closer. We talked every night on the phone. We facebook all the time.  We are best friends.  Or we were....
   But, suddenly, nothing I do is right. My son is always mad at me.  If I say or ask anything about "gay" or "transgender," he gets upset with me.  I think he gets upset that other people are proud of me for taking a stand WITH him or something.  I am his mom. This is HIS story. I'm just trying to help make changes for him and others like him. But, that is drawing attention to his status and our lives.  I ask him before I DO anything, though, because this isn't MY story. It's his. And, hes says he's ok with it.  At the same time, I am taking heat from the other end of the spectrum, being blamed for "encouraging" him to be the way he is.  I have been blamed for him having the opportunity to meet other LGBT youth and to come out more, to "wanting" to dress like a girl.  I am buying his prom dress and shoes. I will take heat for that as well.  I am stuck in the middle and all I really want to do is love and support my son. I want him/her (He has just decided she prefers the feminine pronouns--I am still adjusting to that also) to be happy.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy at whatever personal cost.  I don't think she realizes that. Instead she is disrespectful and just downright MEAN to me at every turn.  I can't win for losing.
   I sometimes think maybe it's just that he's 18 (see what I mean---I go back and forth between he and she...but so does my son..it's still new and transitioning) and all teens go through a rebellious period.  Trav hasn't done that until lately. Maybe it's just the normal thing, plus the anxiety I know he must be feeling trying to figure out himself "what" he is. I think he is just taking his anger out on me for what he is feeling, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I cry on a nearly daily basis because of something he has said that hurts deeply.  He sometimes just laughs at me.  I feel like the harder I try the worse I make it. He even said that to me, that when I try to help, it only makes things worse.
  So, what do I do? Just back out of his life and allow him time to figure out what he wants and be there when/if he comes back to me?  I just want him to know I love him. I'm here for him. I'll do whatever I need to do to help him. But, I do need for him to respect me and stop being so mean and rude to me.  His friends think I'm great. He used to, but now he just stays mad at me.  When I noticed "he" change his pronoun to "she" on facebook, I tried to start calling him her, but then he got mad at me for that too!  I'm  trying to hard to do things right, but then he gets mad at me for talking about it and making a big deal out of it. I'm in his corner trying to help on this end. I'm trying to understand. I want him to talk to me. He gets mad, says I don't understand, and hangs up on me or something like that.  I'm TRYING. Sometimes, he says to me that he's just angry at everything, not me, but that he takes it out on me.  But, that doesn't stop him from doing it again the next day. How can I help my son?
   Have any of you been through similar experiences with your parents, or with your children?  Do you have any advice for me?   

[MarinaM]

It took me a full 14 years to finally decide to transition, I was probably a bit like Trav. I knew what I was trying to do, and I simply had to make sense of myself in my own way, on my own time. Once you realize you're transgender, life becomes a bit more complicated.

I came out to my mother at 13/14, she told me she was supportive, but I ended up shoving MYSELF back into the closet because of my environment, and I had to make some things absolutely certain before I did what I guess I always knew I was going to do. You seem to be doing the best you can, and I can tell that you are a loving person, sometimes a trans person has as much difficulty with themselves as they do with the world around them.

My family was raised Southern Baptist as well, it seems to have made them very accepting, rather than judgmental- which is not supposed to be normal. I assume it's because they're comfortable in their faith.

In any case, welcome to Susan's! You can really learn a lot here

[travsmom]

Thank you both. At least I can hope.

[MarinaM]

There is hope! 

Just don't be afraid to ask any very personal questions of us (well, me anyway), that you think will help you understand.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Travsmom,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another parent.

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Let Trav, take the lead.  Find out how he wish this to be handled.  And you are doing the best you can do.  Love and accept him.  It does sound like he is still searching. 

I never had the chance to tell my folks, but knowing my Dad I don't think it would have went well.

Hugs and Love,
Janet 

[Nero]

Welcome Travsmom!

First of all, your child is very lucky to have such a loving mom! I think that your child's attitude likely has little to do with your approach to things (which sounds awesome!) It sounds like she (tell me please if you'd prefer I not refer to her this way) is just coming to terms with this herself, something that even much older folks often have a hard time with. One thing that struck me is the possibility of embarrassment or discomfort talking about trans issues or even being referred to with the correct pronouns. I know I used to cringe when discussing these things with anyone. She could be ecstatic about the acceptance yet still deeply uncomfortable. This discomfort could come out as anger and frustration. That's just a guess based on how I felt whenever the topic was brought up. She may not feel that way at all.

It's great that you're helping her with prom. That's something she'll probably appreciate even more as she looks back on it in years to come.

[soulfairer]

It is amazing, keep up! But she may be in need of time. Just let her know you are really supportive. That alone is one of the reasons a parent is a parent. Then you might even ask if she is comfortable talking about it now or when she comes back to you.

I'm coming into terms with myself and still no one close to me knows. God knows when I gather enough courage to speak with my parents (and I am 30)

(Edit: may in need -> may be in need)

[LordKAT]

Just a thought. You may be speaking openly around or seemingly around other people when your child isn't ready to come out to them or not understanding themself yet. That may well push them into a box that don't fit. Let your kid lead on who you speak to when it involves their name or self.

Sorry for bad grammar.

[V M]

Hi Travsmom 

I think you are an awesome mom and I wish you an early...
Happy Mother's Day

You've come to the right place... Best wishes for you and your child 

Hugs

- Virginia

[Devlyn]

Hi Travsmom, welcome to Susans! You're in the right place, and it sounds like you're doing a great job! Hugs, Tracey

[travsmom]

  Thanks so much, all of you. You've made me feel so much better already. I'm reading through some of the posts also.  It helps me to understand Trav.

[AVI]

I don't think it's at all necessary to back out of her life, but when you're 18, you're trying to be more independent and develop a public face for yourself. It's not about rebelling, you're trying to be an adult. It must be hard for you, but maybe she just needs a little more space to be herself apart from her mom.

[Starshadow]

I'm just a mom and grandmom, not trans, just supportive of all my trans friends and acquaintances, but my feeling is it's less to do with your child's transitioning state and more to do with the fact that she's 18. There comes a time in every parent/child relationship, pretty much, when all the parent has to do is breathe in the general vicinity of the child, and the child resents it or is angry about it or embarrassed by it.

I'd just step back half a tick, if it t'was me, and give her some space. She'll come around. And patience. Eventually they grow up. Sometimes they have children. Then you get grandparents' revenge.   

Although honestly, my grandkids are wonderful people. But it's fun saying that.

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Travsmom.

First off, you are awesome!!!!!!

Trav is at a difficult time in their (instead of she/he/him/her) life.  I recall being very torn at that age. I pretty much knew who i was but struggled with what to do with it.  Their anger towards you could just be because of the situation fate has given, and since you are closest you wear it.  Don't take it personally.  Ensure they know you are there for them when they need you, but maybe some space to allow Trav to work out who they are and the direction they will take.

As a result of my situation my SO is becoming something of an advocate.  She will be studying to gain qualifications so she can work directly with LGBTQ kids and teens.  I am very supportive of this career move.  In you case just maybe be sure Trav is ok with your advocacy.

Anyway, welcome to Susans and good luck on your and Trav's journey.  Not always easy but often interesting.

Hugs
Shelly x

[JasonG86]

HEY Travsmom!

I was reading through posts and came to this one. I must first say you are an amazing mother for even being willing to go out and explore to find your own answers while Trav searches for his/hers. It is not an easy place to be in. Many of us went through our own battles on our journey to find ourselves and many of us are still going throught that journey. I can say as a transgendered person that I am lucky to have a supportive mother, but have been disowned by some members of my family through my transition. The moment that changed my life forever was when my Grandmother who is a very religious person looked at me and said "I know you were born this way, and I still love you"...it def. is not a phase, or a choice for many if not most. I pray for strength and understand for both you and Trav. Trav is lucky to have you along for this journey, because it's a long one. thank you for being who you are!!!

~J~

[kyril]

Hi!

Any kid would be lucky to have a mother as supportive as you are. Trav's just going through a very difficult time - she probably finds everything incredibly embarrassing, and doesn't quite know how to deal with everything she's feeling. Especially around a parent. I remember feeling like that - confiding in my parents, at that age, was just embarrassing, and it was even worse when they were supportive, because I felt like I ought to be able to handle stuff on my own.

It might be easier to communicate in writing, because you can't yell, fight, argue with, or interrupt each other in letters, and you can read over what you said instead of impulsively saying things from emotion. Write her something that says...well, pretty much what you've written here. Try to explain what problems you're having and ask what you can do to support her better/what it is that's upsetting her about the kind of support you've been trying to give. Invite her to write you back.

[travsmom]

I really can't thank you enough for all the responses. Everything each of you has said makes so much sense and helps me to feel better about the situation.
  I have backed off a great deal from Trav, and according to him, "he" prefers that I just continue with the male pronouns for now, for the time being that's what I'll do.
   After an embarrassing moment on facebook, where he basically told me to go away and stay out of his life, he finally answered the phone after three days. even then he was mad at me, and i still don't know exactly why.  the best i could get out of him seemed to me to be a double standard.   sometimes it seems like he almost flaunts that he's gay or transgender or whatever he's decided that day, but if i mention it, i'm making a big deal out of it."  so ok, i've decided, you know, it's his life, not mine. i'll just back off and support him and be here when he needs me.  so i've not called, have tried to limit my comments on facebook, etc.
  i found a dress i thought he'd like for prom. he finally answered the phone again, and yes, he did, and shoes, and i ordered them. i also sent him a debit card with enough money on it to buy his prom ticket and a bit more.  i only asked that he call me from the number where he's staying so i'd have an emergency contact number.  he still hasn't done that.  the dress and shoes arrived.  he loves them.  i only know this because he posted it on facebook.
  he also posted a note there, which i commented on, he was "smart" with his reponse back to me on that.  so..again..i sit here and think ok.....
  i'm just going on with my life, trying to be here, but less in his business, but i'm beginning to worry. he graduates the end of may and will be coming to live with me.  i don't think he wants to but feels he doesn't have a choice.  he has no job, no license, i really don't think he's realistically "able" to make it on his own yet.  i want him to go to college, but he says he's taking a year off, coming here, getting a job, buying a car, then going back to florida to go to college.  i'm hoping it works out, but with the attitude he has toward me lately, i don't see how it's going to.
   even though i don't like it, i can deal with the fact that he's distancing himself from me, but i cannot accept the disrespect and i don't deserve it!
   i'm really not asking for advice because you all have given so much, and i'm listening.  this is more of a rant session for me.
    i gave him this web address, thinking perhaps it might be helpful to him, and tried to tell him how muc i was learning, and that some of the posts i read sounded so much like some of the little he's told me about what he's feeling, but i can't even get him to go look at it.  i guess because "I" suggested it.
   anyway, i also asked him, via facebook in a private message, if when i fly down for his graduation, which is the weekend of prom, if he would come to my place that day and let me and his cousin/best friend help him get ready for prom. he's the first of 4 to even go to prom. i'd really love to have that mother/daughter experience with him, take pictures, do the whole makeup and hair bit.  but he didn't answer me. i'm assuming that's probably a no.  i won't ask him again. i'll just wait and see.
    i guess sooner or later he'll come back to me in some way. i am trying to be patient.  but he sure is disrespectful and mean.  it's really hard to take when i've done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder. 
  again, just venting.
thanks one and all for your help.

[travsmom]

jaysond86, i'm so sorry to hear that some of your family has disowned you. i just can't imagine how that would feel. i fear that will happen with travis when the rest of the family finds out.  right now, they just know that he's gay.
  i know it's not easy but i don't know how hard it must be.  i'm still  learning and accepting myself. i'll be honest. it takes some adjustment to my way of thinking.
  i'll be thinking of you and hoping things go well for you. thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my situation.

[MarinaM]

i guess this probably sounds stupid, but i really don't know.  if a person was self proclaimed to be "gay" as a male, but then changes his position and thinks he/she is transgendered male to female, since she still likes men, does that make her now straight?

just curious

oh, and, wouldn't that make it even harder to find your soulmate, as many straight men might not want to be with a former male, but gay men would want a man. but, you'd have to tell them or they'd think you were hiding something.   i dont' mean to sound offensive. i really am curious about this.

That's a great question:

In that case she is a straight woman, and it could make it conceivably harder for her soulmate to be found. However, there are ways to achieve happiness and relationship success that a trans woman can utilize. We simply have to be more cautious and take time to build a meaningful relationship before disclosure, unless the straight man is a total sweetheart and fine with it from the start.

[JungianZoe]

i guess this probably sounds stupid, but i really don't know.  if a person was self proclaimed to be "gay" as a male, but then changes his position and thinks he/she is transgendered male to female, since she still likes men, does that make her now straight?

just curious

oh, and, wouldn't that make it even harder to find your soulmate, as many straight men might not want to be with a former male, but gay men would want a man. but, you'd have to tell them or they'd think you were hiding something.   i dont' mean to sound offensive. i really am curious about this.

Not offensive at all!    It's fantastic that you're curious enough to know what your child might face should they decide that this is their path.

First of all, as a woman who likes men, she would most definitely be straight now.  Your second question is a bit trickier to answer (and I'm probably totally unqualified given that I've had maybe three or four dates in the past 15 years).  What makes sexual matters difficult is that there are many straight men who have problems dating an MTF, even after she's undergone all the surgeries and finished physical transition.  Straight men who prefer transsexuals may have a fetish for the very part of an MTF's body that she wishes was never there, so these guys will be uninterested once transition is complete.  Same with gay men--they like MEN, and post-op transsexuals don't fit that bill any longer.  They're missing the most interesting piece of the puzzle, so to speak.

Again, you'll probably want other opinions on that (and I'm sure you'll get some).    Me giving dating advice is like asking a zebra to explain string theory.  Or even asking me to explain string theory.  In either case, it's kind of pointless.