here to learn and get help for/with my trans son and self

[MarinaM]

I also read through your other posts, and I will relate this:

I have always had tremendous difficulty with my sexuality, and I eventually gave up on trying to understand it. If someone wants an easy answer, I tell people now that if I think they're worth a shot, I'll give it a try. Sexuality was the single hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around when it came to all of this, and my life became incredibly easier when I learned to separate the two issues.

Sexual identity has nothing to do with gender identity. I know that mine don't have anything to do with each other. Has Travis ever I.D.'d solidly as a homosexual man? If so, I can understand his recent struggle. Having any form of success in any particular "identity role" complicates addressing your gender identity in certain ways immensely (I have a S.O. and child, for instance).

[justmeinoz]

Hi Travsmom.  Being a trans-parent of a trans-child  (FtM) myself, I can only say you are doing a brilliant job.
Sometimes it is hard to stand back and let them work out the next step, but if they know you are there and supportive, they will eventually open up.  Bit like when they are first learning to walk.
If you would like to PM me at any time please feel free to do so.
All the best , Karen.

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the site ma'am 

I always found it disrespectful to call my friends moms "so and so's mom" so I was wondering what to call you? I think you are doing an incredible job as a parent and it is clear you love your kid. My mom has been my rock through all of this and because of that I am always so glad to see accepting parents. I never went to prom by choice but it's great that you are giving him that opportunity and even buying the dress and shoes! I look forward to reading your future posts and seeing you around the forum.

Keep your chin up
-Andrew

[Joelene9]

Travsmom,
  I did read a story given to me by my therapist back in the 70's that had a transsexual that took hormones at age 18 and she developed properly into a woman with no male shape.  She dated and her fiance proposed to her and she then told him of her boyhood.  He said that it didn't matter and that she was the most feminine woman that he'd met.  There are a lot of stories like this but the vast majority of these couples lived in anonymity, their trans-spouses real pasts never disclosed.  Some of those couples do have children through adoptions and/or the saved sperm with surrogates. 
  Joelene

[travsmom]

thank you. i had just decided to remove the question, as i hadn't gotten any answers, and i guess you were answering as i was removing! lol thank you.  that makes sense to me. that, i think, is going to be the situation with my son as he completes the transition over to female and hopes someday to have surgery.  on the other hand, i am acquainted with a couple who were a married straight couple, then the husband came out as transgender, had surgery, became female, and they remain married to this day, nearly 10 years. Though the wife does not consider herself lesbian, she married for life and has accepted that this is what makes her mate happy, so together they make it work in spite of the obstacles.  while i guess it did seem weird to me before, now as i learn more, it seems very sweet.  lol  their adopted son, however, does have a lot of trouble in school with two mommies.  it shouldn't happen, and i am an advocate for safe schools for ALL children. this child knows this and has come to me on a couple of occasions because he was called gay.  at least he knows he can come to me, i suppose, but i wish i could stop the bullies.
     sorry, i'm straying off topic.....
  thanks again for the answer.

[travsmom]

Thank you so much, Karen, and Andrew, Jolene, Zoe, and Emma. Hope I didn't leave anyone out! Thank you all so much. Emma, I think it was, in answer to your question, according to Trav, he has had sexual relations with men, and has come out as gay openly.  he has always been very effeminate, but only this year, at 18, he has come out to me, and more recently to a select few others, that he is transgender.  We attended a huge conference where he met others and I think it was after talking with them it was easier for him to come out as trans.  I believe he is still going through a lot of self questioning and is not fully sure of himself.  I know he has made some contacts for his questions, so that is good.  I hope he is considering the longterm effects before goes too far with his decision.  But, once that is done,  and he is sure, I am fully ready to help him and have already spoken with a contact of mine who knows a doctor he can see for the hrt.  though this is all new to me, it doesn't matter. he is my child, and i love him. i can love her just as easily. it will just take some time to get used to. 
  meanwhile, as you probably read earlier, he is very angry at the world, i think, and most especially at me.  i really don't know why.  his father practically disowned him when he came out and is still hoping he will go back in.  i don't believe he will ever accept him as a girl.  unfortunately, his brother has told him he will not accept him as a girl and does not ever want to see him in a dress.  he doesn't know that i have bought Trav  a dress for prom. i don't think i'll tell him either. this won't be an easy transition for Trav.  yet right now, with this anger issue going on, i have learned not to dwell on it.  i don't talk to trav about it.  i'm waiting for him to come back to me to talk.  meanwhile, i'm learning what i can so i will be better prepared and will be waiting here for him when he is ready. 
  i do hope he'll send me pictures from his prom though. he's such a pretty boy, he really is. :-) he'll make a pretty girl too. i know he will. he looks like liza minelli. i'm rambling, aren't i? sorry, i'll go now....
  thank you

[travsmom]

Oh, my God, Emma! You just made a light bulb go on for me.  THAT'S why Trav has been so upset with me lately.  Even though I think I'm helping, I'm so accepting, etc.  pat me on the back for that one, but by doing so, I'm constantly reminding him that he is GAY, he came out as GAY, he is "the GAY boy," that's his label, it has been his label.  But, NOW, he's not gay; he's transgender.  So, to everybody that has accepted him as GAY, he's now got to explain the whole transgender thing, when he's not even sure himself!!! Oh, my goodness, how I wish he would listen to me just long enough for me to point him in this direction.  I have tried. 
  He has said to me, some days he doesn't feel that he's either sex, he's neither male nor female. other days he's definitely more male than female, and vice versa more often.  though his body gets sexually aroused, and he does enjoy sex, it's not something that is predominant for him.  he and i have, up to this point, been very open about anything.
   but, suddenly, this makes such perfect sense.  as he's struggling to find himself, the world, including ME, is trying to make him fit into a mold and put a label on him, when he doesn't think there is a label that fits him in the first place!!!!
    oh, now how do i tell him i understand without p***ing him off again. (i didn't know if i could say that on here or not) sorry
   oh, emma, thank you!
Dee

[MarinaM]

Dee, you had quite an epiphany there! Unfortunately I have no experience with you and Trav's relationship dynamic, so I am unable to advise you on how not to p*** her off. Kids are nuts.

I have gone through two episodes like hers, but I didn't push through my first one. I call it the clinical threshold, it will persist until she finally settles on her path to peace. All you can do is love her and try to talk about it in a sensible manner, on her terms, at her pace.

[kyril]

All I can say is that some day, your child is going to look back at this period in his/her life and think "I'm so lucky to have a mom who was there for me even when I was being completely impossible to deal with."

The pronoun switch thing can be very embarrassing. It's taken me the better part of a year and a lot of progress in physical transition to get comfortable asking for people to switch - until now it's been my friends going to bat for me, while I just blushed and cringed and said "you can call me whatever you want." There was a time when I actually looked at people strangely when they called me "he" or by my preferred name, especially my dad. But I appreciated the effort, and when pressed, I'd say I preferred to be referred to as male. I don't know how Trav feels about it - there's a chance she might be like me, and there's a chance he might prefer male pronouns until he starts to look/feel physically more female. Just try to get some clear guidance. (I don't know how you feel about alcohol, but it can be easier to get honest answers after a couple of drinks.)

[travsmom]

Oh, Emma, yes, and thank you for it!
Kyril, I really believe you may be right about that.  That would also explain why even though he put "she/her" on his facebook, he asked me NOT to refer to him as her.  Until he makes the transition, he is going to look like a he and that will just draw more attention to the fact that HE is not a SHE and not what he wants and needs to be. it makes so much more sense to me now.
  I wrote him a note so he'd have it in writing, that i'm sorry for not understanding better before. I'm sorry i didn't buy the pretty top he wanted  because "it's too girly."  I'm sorry I just didn't know.  I don't expect an answer right away, but I think once he re-reads it a few times and thinks about it, he'll come around. I know he loves me. he knows i love him.  we have been too close to lose all that. he just needs time. i'll give it to him.  and kyril, i sure hope you're right about him thinking that later!
  Emma, youre' right, kids are nuts. but, then, aren't we all?  takes all kinds.   i wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure this out.  i wish it wouldn't take others even longer.  i have said some bad things about people just like my son. i have added to the hate.  now it's time to help fix a bad world. 
  thank you both.

[travsmom]

oh, and about the alcohol, i'm not opposed to the idea, but i don't want to go to jail for it either! i know he drinks some, but not often, and so do i, but until he's 21, i hadn't "planned" on us doing it together.  he has told me about the times he has drank.  like i said, we have a very open and honest relationship. but that's also why this distance he's put between us now is so hard. :-(

[travsmom]

Hi Sarah,
  Yes, you are right, and most of the time, it brings me to tears (could give him plenty of hormones myself right now) and i tell him to stop being so rude, disrespectful, and mean, and he usually comes back with either and Oh, my god, what the hell, are you crying, or a whatever, sometimes he laughs at me, or once in a blue moon, a now i feel bad, but never an i'm sorry.  he is a rude, disrespectful child, and has been for at least a couple of years, but now that he's a legal adult, he's much worse.  my husband, his stepfather, cannot stand the way he treats me, so it's nothing new, just worse. 
   i've tried strict, easy, talked till i'm blue in the face and nothing does much good.  about a month ago, when we were together, and he was really mean and upset me really bad, and the tears would not stop, he apologized in his way, still didn't say "sorry" but he was, and he did a retreat and felt badly, we talked, and things were better for a time. but that didn't last long.  HE doesn't see himself as disrespectful or rude, he sees himself as opinionated, blunt, and honest.  other adults agree with me, and basically he has no respect for authority. it's not just me.
  i just don't know what to do about it. thank  you for asking.

[Joelene9]

Travsmom,
  You must be tough with him!  That kind of behavior should no be tolerated.  Nor should you let your son be a wedge between you and your husband.  I seen the bad results of the latter way too much with my friends and relatives!  I know that you love your son by your posts, but you got to be tough with him.  Tell him that he needs to get help and his "opinionated rudeness" will not be tolerated in your house.   The ball is in his court and he needs to acknowlege that he does have a problem or it's the highway.  Get a relative, preferrably a beefy one,  to help if needed.  If he goes to counseling, you may help there, but alcohol and money will not help him.  Be tough mommy!  If your son settles down and live life normally from your acts of tough love, the end rewards are huge! 
  My mother (may she rest) did such a thing to my brother and won the tug-of-war with one of the bad crowd he was with.  My brother rewarded her with 2 granddaughters, one is close to getting her PhD.  The power of Mom!  Use it! 
  Joelene

[travsmom]

   will try. thank you.