I think I'm having a quarter life crisis.

[Konnor]

So I will try to sum this up so you don't all have to read a ton of over dramatic stuff about me. Basically, I'm 21 years old. I graduate from college in 2 weeks. I start my life as an adult soon and it's hit me that I have no idea who I am. I've been going back and forth about "am I really FTM? Can I live my life happily as a butch female? How do I go about figuring this out?" for a while now, probably atleast 2 years. I really have no idea how to figure this out, and while I was in college it seemed okay to take my time and go with the flow. I didn't feel like I had to make any decisions right then.

But now that I'll be getting my first job, eventually move out, etc. I feel like I need to decide ASAP. I feel like I can't start the rest of my life in this in-between state. I either need to live as a girl or as a guy, and I don't know which one I am. I've been living half my life as Konnor and the other half as *girl name* for so long that they're kind of intertwined and I don't know which one I truly am. I realize that it would be stupid to rush such a monumental decision just because I'm at a new point in my life, but I just don't know what to do or how to figure this out. I have a therapist but she's just been telling me to live my life and my identity will sort itself out. I dunno if there's really anything I can physically do to figure out who I am or which gender is really me. I hope this makes sense...if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar spot, I would love to hear from you. I'm really struggling right now. Thanks everyone!!!

[bcv]

hey konnor,
if its any consolation, i'm 26 and have been out of college for like 5 years and i'm still coming to terms with the same sort of issues... living in the "in-between state," as you put it. i didn't even know that the option to transition successfully actually existed when i graduated from college, so at least you're way ahead of me on the time scale. one thing that has helped me in thinking about it is that, at least in my mind, is to think that there are no real standards and there are no real rules when it comes to gender and, especially, identity. you are you, and you will and should change throughout your life, but you get to choose how you want to be in the world. looking at examples of people who identify (or are identified) as trans or butch females can provide insight and guidance, for sure, but ultimately you have to decide how you feel best about yourself and how you want to be in the world. good news: realistically, you don't have to decide ASAP. and putting a bunch of pressure on yourself at a point when everything else in your life is about to change a lot will probably just stress you out and make you more confused. maybe check out life after college and see how you feel about "the real world" and if the same ->-bleeped-<- is still irking you down the road then maybe you should seriously consider transitioning. anyway, best of luck to you.

[Lee]

That's pretty much word for word what I've been thinking lately.  I'm about to graduate and start applying to pharmacy schools.  Right now I'm stuck between wanting to push through transition to apply as male and wanting to make absolutely sure that this is right.  As you said, it feels like now's a crucial time to make a life long decision.  My main consolation has been viewing things how bcv put it; you are you.  I've tried to focus on who I am separate from a gender-focused perspective.  I know that I'd like to be more masculine, but rather than pushing myself towards male, I've been working out trying to get a more muscular/angular frame.  This is my current way of testing the waters, as it's possible I'll find a point where I could be comfortable being masculine without being male.  Would it be possible for you to do something similar and rather than working towards transitioning fully at the moment, concentrate on one aspect with which you are uncomfortable?  After all, if there's something that bothers you, it will be an issue no matter what gender you end up identifying as.  I'm starting to ramble, but here's hoping it makes sense.  Feel free to message me anytime.  It'd be nice to have someone to share frustrations with.

[lexnotluthor]

Hi Konnor. New here, and I want to say I totally identified with what you were saying. I went through the exact same thing about a year ago, actually. I was doing a real life experience voluntarily, and during it I had an awful experience with being treated poorly by someone close to me. It shook my entire foundation, and I ended up leaving a great job and moving back to my family home to just hide for a while. I totally doubted my every move, and even my original decision to transition. However, I eventually went back stronger than ever. I do not recommend this at all, but I consider this the key to my having bounced back: I actually went back into the closet for a while. Cold turkey. Tossed the binders, grew my hair out, applied makeup, and did my darnedest to fit in as a female. I thought I could just live that way and being safe and having connections with others would become more important than transitioning. Needless to say, no more than 2 months out in public and I could have cared less about the connections I had forged because they were all false and I was miserable. I went back to my therapist and after sorting that out in my mind I made the final jump to taking T. I've now been on T for a while and I haven't had a single regret. I don't have quite as many friends as I once did, but everything I have I know is because I was honest with myself and those around me. I no longer feel like I'm jumping from one constricting box into another. I do, wear, and say whatever it pleases me to. Overall, life is good. It gets better. Hang in there, it sounds like you're very close to having your own epiphany if you've come to the point where you're questioning it.

[Konnor]

Thanks so much guys!! I thought no one was going to reply to this lol.

That's a great point bkv. I am definitely stressing about this, among many other things in my life. Maybe you're right and I should just let it be for now, get everything else sorted out, then come back to this. Good luck to you too man!

Lee, I really like your approach to this. That's a very good idea about masculine vs. male. I've started working out recently so I will try to focus on that rather than transitioning and see if that helps! "I've tried to focus on who I am seperate from a gender focused perspective." This sounds like a great idea. I've never really looked at myself this way I guess. I'll have to try your suggestions. Thanks man and hope you get things sorted out too!

Lex, good to hear someone else is going through this. That sucks that you had to go back in the closet to come to your realization, but I guess it's all worked out so that's what matters! I don't think I could do that honestly, try to go back to being totally girl. I was never girly to start lol. I love my binder and I love the way I dress. So eh. I think I'm just going to keep on being me and try not to sweat the gender stuff right now. Easier said than done...

[Aussie Jay]

There's no shame in not knowing! No one says once you turn 21 or graduate college you have to know who you are or where you're going and act like a grown up! Jeeze mate, I didn't know anything when I left school! Didn't even have any idea of a vague direction I wanted to go - let alone who I was! Now I'm almost 30 dude and although I'm figuring stuff out and yes I have chosen to and began transition - I still don't know a whole bunch nor do I feel like a grown up!

There's no hurry. Enjoy your graduation. Enjoy moving out. Enjoy your first grown up job and the rest of it will just fall into place as it does. And at one point everything will just fall into place and you'll know exactly what you need and want to do. You may not know exactly how or when and it most definitely will not be easy - but at least you'll know. Stay strong mate and in the meantime - enjoy.

It's only life - you can't take it too seriously