I recently went to a trans support meeting in Orlando, Fl. There, I met some wonderful girls who also post on here. I've been lurking this site for a couple months, but have decided to take the plunge and start posting.
It's hard to put into words about my experiences being trans. Truthfully, I've spent most of my life running away from the fact that I am female. I knew something was different for about as far as I can remember. I even told my mom, at age seven, that I wanted to dress like other little girls. The amazing part, was that she was completely fine with it. I did a couple of times, but then some time passed and when she brought it up, I quickly dismissed it as a "phase". For whatever reason, shame had crept into my life and made me hide my true feels. Naturally, I was still dressing as a girl, but behind closed doors.
And it got worse. I wanted to be like my older brothers very, very badly. I started lifting weights in junior high, and played football in high school. When i was 15, I was 6'2, 215lbs, and could leg press over 800lbs multiple times. Looking back at all of that, I know that I was trying so hard to be a man. I wanted to be one so badly. And all for the simple reason that i was assigned one at birth. It didn't matter that I thought and felt like most of the other girls.
At the end of high school, it hit me hard that I was transgender. It was a sudden, and powerful epiphany. But it was terrifying. So much so, that I eventually forced myself to believe that I was simply a transvestite with a well defined feminine side. And this continued. It continued despite being constantly depressed, insecure, and not knowing what I wanted out of life, my future, or anything. School suffered, and relationships never worked. Well, one did, and I married her a little over a year ago. We also have a daughter who just turned two, yesterday. When we met, it was when I had lied to myself about who I really was. And so, she thought my crossdressing was the extent to my "quirks". It also looks like she is leaving me after only a year of marriage.
I have to thank the birth of my wonderful daughter for finally correcting the direction of my life. I couldn't imagine telling her to be herself, or to live up to her potential if I couldn't do that the same. I couldn't face being that kind of hypocrite. I love her so much, and I want to be a complete person for her. Of course, most people just tend to tell me that I am the one being selfish, and that this is unfair to her. Thankfully, I'm not dumb enough to fall for it, but it still hurts. And it really hurts that I really don't have the support of the one person that matters the most to me, besides my daughter.
But I have made some progress. Over the course of the last 5 years, I ballooned up to 300lbs. Over the last 6 months, I have dropped to 235. And I continue to loose weight. I also started letting my hair grow out. Ironically, it was very long during the time in which I was the most closeted. But thankfully, I have some trans friends in my area. And I have the Orlando group. Hopefully, I will start therapy in the next month or two. I will be 26 in June, and I desperately want to start HRT before I am 27. Actually, I desperately wish I had started HRT 10 or more years ago. But I can't keep letting myself look back.
I'll be honest, I am not all right. I almost killed myself a few months back, and while things have really improved over the last month, I am depressed more times than I am not. There are times where I just want someone to hold me. And usually, the one person I want to hold me is lying next to me, asleep, while I crying myself to sleep. I don't mean to come across as this morose, but I will not pretend that something is right when it is not. I've spent too many years do the opposite, and it nearly killed me.
I will say this, too; I am here for any one that needs it. I truly believe that we have to be there for one another. I may be broken, but it doesn't mean that I always will be, and it doesn't mean that I can't help those who want to mend themselves.
With that in mind, I want to end this with a quote that I live by now: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." -Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
