Messing up pronouns of other transfolk...

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

Has anyone ever done this before. Today it happened to me. I referred to someone as "she" when it should have been "They". I was aware that I made the mistake almost right away and was quick to apologize to them, but I really feel bad that I made the mistake, since I know how it feels when someone messes up my gender pronouns. I'm just wondering if anyone else makes this mistake from time to time or if I should hide my head in shame.

[Melody Maia]

I've done it and felt absolutely terrible. It tends to happen more with our brothers and sisters who are not presenting yet, but I have done it with folks who are presenting. I apologize and resolve myself to be more careful in the future.

[Arch]

Ooh, ouch, I've done this in public once that I know of...and I must confess that there was one truly idiotic guy I knew whom I privately referred to as "she," primarily because I had no respect for him. By privately, I mean with a couple of friends and my therapist. But I stopped because it doesn't matter whether I respect him as a person; I must still show respect for his gender identity.

I still feel a bit guilty when I look back...

[Devlyn]

<hiding head in shame> I mis-pronouned MYSELF in the mirror once, it happens. Sometimes people just make the wrong call or the wrong words come out of their mouths. Just make your apologies and move on.

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

Glad to know it's not just me. I felt like I had committed an offense that transpeople should be above doing, but I guess it just made an innocent mistake. I think what's important is that I felt empathy for the person when I made the mistake and was able to apologize as soon as possible.

<hiding head in shame> I mis-pronouned MYSELF in the mirror once, it happens. Sometimes people just make the wrong call or the wrong words come out of their mouths. Just make your apologies and move on.

Haha! I referred to myself as a boy by mistake before, and even put down my old name on an assignment, when it was already legally changed. Early on it caused me doubts and made me wonder if I was really trans, but now I realize that it's because I lived for so many years in that role that It's almost impossible not to slip up from time to time,  atleast at the beginning of transitioning.

[Arch]

Haha! I referred to myself as a boy by mistake before, and even put down my old name on an assignment, when it was already legally changed.

I got tongue-tied and confused once when introducing myself on the telephone six or seven years after I changed my name. That's the only time, but I really wonder what was going on inside my brain.

[Laurry]

Guilty

While I do my best, sometimes the wrong one just slips out.  I think part of the problem is because he/she/they are all so interchangeable when I think about myself, that sometimes the pronouns get jumbled up when relating to others.

.......Laurry

[rejennyrated]

See - the reality is only a trans person would really notice.

As someone who has undergone SRS, but so long ago that I now describe myself as a post corrected cis, I do it to everyone from time to time, and I get the impression from the reaction, or rather in most cases non reaction, of other cis friends that they do too... and it's no biggie either way.

If I notice I have done it I will apologise, if I know that the person is trans, because I know that for most transitioners it is important. Speaking personally I have to say that whilst it is nice if people don't make a habit of getting it wrong I honestly wouldn't notice the occasional slip.

[Yakshini]

I've done it, and always feel incredibly guilty for it. It's kinda wierd that I should feel so guilty considering these are people I know online and are never around to actually hear me mis-gender them. It happens most often when the person is not passing or if they introduce themselves as trans as oppose to their gender (for some reason I am less likely to misgender if they tell me their gender and include the fact they are trans as a sort of after note).
But for the most part I avoid using pronouns while referring to anyone, just in case they are a closeted trans person. I wouldn't want to increase their discomfort by unknowingly misgendering them. It's kinda funny, because this behaviour has rubbed off on quite a few close friends and family of mine. They have all gotten so use to avoiding gender terms that it doesn't even sound awkward

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

I've done it, and always feel incredibly guilty for it. It's kinda wierd that I should feel so guilty considering these are people I know online and are never around to actually hear me mis-gender them. It happens most often when the person is not passing or if they introduce themselves as trans as oppose to their gender (for some reason I am less likely to misgender if they tell me their gender and include the fact they are trans as a sort of after note).
But for the most part I avoid using pronouns while referring to anyone, just in case they are a closeted trans person. I wouldn't want to increase their discomfort by unknowingly misgendering them. It's kinda funny, because this behaviour has rubbed off on quite a few close friends and family of mine. They have all gotten so use to avoiding gender terms that it doesn't even sound awkward

I've misgendered a few people in private before, usually because they where not yet presenting as their actual gender, or wore very androgynous clothing. I felt bad about these instances as well, but not nearly as bad as misgendering someone right to their face. I think in this case it was because they wore feminine clothing, and went by a female name, and I'm still pretty new to encountering non gendered individuals. I try not to use pronouns either. It's easier that way. Sometimes they just slip out though.

[Blythe_Fate]

Yeah, I've slipped up once or twice.. felt terrible about it and apologized right away. Though they were not angry or anything, I still felt kinda bad.
Even though I'm not completely 'out' to all my friends, I still get that slight internal cringe when I hear someone refer to me as she/her. Though I don't hold it against them, I do love my friends dearly and know that in time they will all adjust.

Besides...we are only human, after all.

[Miss_Anthropic]

I've done it and felt absolutely terrible. It tends to happen more with our brothers and sisters who are not presenting yet, but I have done it with folks who are presenting. I apologize and resolve myself to be more careful in the future.

I'm glad you were the first to reply Mel! lol 😀

As someone who has been misgendered by another trans person (I think you can guess who 😉 ) I can tell you it's not much fun....but you really have to take it with a grain of salt because for a lot of people, esp. those who were stuck in very fixed gender roles for a long time, it's hard to adjust, even when in comes to their trans bretheren.

I think I was referred as "he" or "him" a total of four times, the first time I was shocked...but let it slide....the second time I was dissapointed....but let is slide.... the third time I scowled....but let it slide,.... the fourth time....I said something! lol

She hadn't even realized she had done it, so it was a no big deal really, but just sorta bummed me out, especially since I was presenting as female and in a very public place. One thing that kept me from flipping out was the fact she misgendered herself a few times as well.......which I have to admit was funny, especially when she realized it after she said it. Kind of like seeing someone swear in front of a kid and suddenly realized what they've done, lol

Like I said, I cut other trans folks a little more slack, even though we should all know better. It also helps when you love someone.... somehow that prevents you from smacking them upside the head

~Sara 🙂

[Amy1177]

Yeah sometimes it happens and it sucks when it does.  But we should all remember that we are human and that it happens.  We all have things going on in our lives that distract us from being perfect.  Only GOD is perfect.  If you had no bad intentions towards a person then you shouldn't feel guilty.  And for those of us that it has happened to if it was a simple mistake we need to be forgiving enough with each other because we have all experienced it and probably have done it.

If on the other hand it was done with bad intent and ill will I also believe in righteous anger and justice and that God is not going to have any trouble with my adjusting someone's attitude for being an ->-bleeped-<- to me.  Every once in a while the ->-bleeped-<- needs to get theirs too.